I think I may have OCD

[Fisoka]

A quick edit: Sorry, I don't know why this is tagged as domestic violence. I have no idea how to remove it and I don't want to post this in the wrong section so I sincerely apologise. I removed the tag in my settings and it's not showing up anymore for me but if this is still tagged wrongly I'm not sure of how to fix it.

Hello there. I'm new to this site so forgive me if this is in the wrong forum or if I'm doing anything wrong.

I'm quite worried about myself because I think I may have OCD and I'm genuinely concerned for my mental health.

So around two years ago I moved to a new house. I started developing weird ritualistic routines. It's hard to explain; but I'll try my best. Excuse me if what I say sounds confusing or you don't understand.

I would get these intrusive thoughts that someone or something would be behind me. It was a graphic image; and it scared me because it made me think something was actually there. I would look behind me to satisfy the concerns; and it was enough at first. But then it got worse. I began having to do a routine in order to feel safe because if I didn't then I was completely convinced something would creep up behind me and hurt me in some way. I would get an uncomfortable feeling and my hairs would stand up as well as getting continuous shivers on my spine. (Does that make sense?) I developed a routine for where I would have to look in order to feel safe. The order was to: Turn my chair so I was facing my door. Look at the wall behind me, look at the curtain, look at my bed, back at the curtain, the ceiling then the door. This would give me satisfactory relief; however the feeling would return literally seconds later. As of writing this I have probably done the routine 20 times. It's really starting to worry me. On top of that; I can't just do this ritual once. I have to do it several times until it feels right or else it just feels pointless to do it at all. I have this for every room in my house and every environment I get familiarised with.

This has gotten a lot worse recently; and it's really starting to become bad for my social life and appearance. Every time I walk down the street I check behind me several times within a minute and even check the sky to make sure nothings there - even though I know it's impossible for something to creep up above me.

I also have a need to touch some things. One of the biggest things for me to do this with is necks. I've been doing it since I was around 9 perhaps. I used to have an impulse to grab my barbie dolls and push down on their necks - not to hurt them but because I felt like I had to. There was this feeling in my own neck that could only be satisfied by putting pressure on that of the dolls. This has since changed and I know have the need to move my head violently at times in order to satisfy the feeling.

Finally, I'm very obsessed with words, in a sense. I have some words that cannot be said around me or else they badly bring on my rituals - even worse so than they already are. These phrases/words are things like "early hours of the morning", "there's nothing out there" and the number "3". They make me feel extremely strange and bring on my behaviour.

I have no idea if this is OCD or just something everyone does. I would like to speak to a mental health specialist however I have two problems.

1. I have no idea where I would even go to get a diagnosis

2. I would have to have my mother take me as I am a minor. I want to tell her about my concerns, however I know that she will dismiss it as she thinks that OCD is about cleaning. I did at first, too, but then researched it and found out it was about ritualistic behaviour. That is what led me to having my concerns; as I realised that I too displayed this behaviour. It's true that I am not overly obsessed with health or contamination; however I do organise things in a 'special way'. My desk is where I keep everything and I know exactly where it all is. Ask me to grab the KS3 textbook my dad gave me when I was 8 years old and I'll give it to you within seconds - that's how organised the 'mess' is to me. When someone moves a single thing it upsets me a lot because I must know where everything is or I feel like I'm not in control.

Another point I forgot to mention is that I also check things frequently. For example; when I go out with a friend and have my phone in my pocket I must check it every five minutes throughout the day or else I feel anxious that I'll lose it. This also comes with checking that my door is locked when I leave the house, making sure my bag is zipped up by checking it every few minutes/seconds (I don't know why, but it depends on the day) and things like that.

I am really sorry about the length of this post; but I'm genuinely concerned about myself. This has gone on for too long and has gone too far. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you.