SINGLE AND FED UP

hi . i`m so fed up with this illness and being single . is this how my life is going to be ,? grow old fast and alone , I've become obsessed that I don't have a partner, its really starting to make me feel sad and just fed up .

does anybody else ,after juggle single life with this illness ?

i`ve done all the internet dating sites . this gives me a understanding how normal people live there lifes ,, everybody is looking for someone , who likes country walks , mountian climbing , sky diving , running , or even going to the gym 4 times a week ,, i dont want or cant do these things .. saying that , i find making contact and talking to others ok , the problem is when we arrange a meet , the date normally ends very quickly ,, with , oh !!! is that the time , i will after get going , i will be in touch , then out the nearest door ..

what confidence i did have before this illness as taken the rest away and left me with very low self esteem ..

talk about how depressed this illness makes me feel at times , if i ever find a partner will she ever understand this illness ? will she understand the fatigue , the lack of energy .. i`m only 42 i shouldnt be like this ,

how on earth will i find a nice g/f ,, soon as she sees me hobble in the room and groan and moan when ever i move , she`ll just think , he`s no good .. "hopeless"

. when speaking to the last lady i met on the dating site , she went into detail , how good sex and high passion makes a good relationship work , hence to say when she met me , she never made contact again , did she see , no high passion and sparks in the bedroom with me , i think so .. .

i will just after face facts , , nobody will want a life with someone with this illness ..

rant over steve

45 Replies

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  • I know exactly how you feel. One look at the word "disabled" and they are off like a cat on hot bricks. Keep smiling. :)

  • Surely there are sites for disabled people. Put into your computer Dating sites for the disabled and see what you get. sylvi.

  • HOW WILL WE FEEL FINDING SOMEONE WITH LIKE MINDED ILLNESSES. I COUNT NOT COPE WITH A DISABLED PARTNER WITH MY COMPLEX DISABILITIES. I CAN'T COPE WITH MINE. I AM TERRORFIED OF MEETING A MAN AS WHEN HE GETS TO KNOW ME HE WILL RUN FOR THE DOOR NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. MY FAMILY CAN'T COPE SO WHY SHOULD WE EXPECT OTHERS TO. I DO FEEL LIKE GIVING UP. I AM SO LONELY AND FEEL ALL ALONE. ITS MY LAPTOP THAT'S MY SOCIAL NETWORK. NOT SEEING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FOR DAYS. WELL THAT'S ME FOR NOW. THANKS FOR YOUR VIEWS.

  • Viking,don't you dare give up. There is someone out there for you. The more you look the harder it gets,but don't ever give up. Love sylvi.xx

  • Given that 3 times as many women get RA than men, and often in their 40's, I think you may find more friendly faces if you joined a local arthritis group? But I sympathise, as facing this alone must be horrid - I find that my partner is a huge support and would hate to be without him. Good luck.

  • 3 times ?? trust me to get AS .. :(

  • this is very true . been a member of two groups i have seen this myself . this scale does even itself out , when it comes to the single ones though .. because men do stay with their wifes who suffer with RA , where woman on the other hand , tend to clear off and leave the husband to suffer .. harsh but this is true .

  • Hi creekybones, you're right that is harsh, that's a very judgemental comment to make. Perhaps it's your attitude towards women that needs to change first.

    sorry !!

  • im sorry , when i wrote it and read it back i thought , that sounds bad . honestly it wasnt meaning to be judgemental . it just sounds worse then it is .. i will delete it

  • Hi Creakybones - sorry you are feeling so down. I was in you position a couple of years ago. I had been on my own for ten years after being divorced.

    I had a knee replacement at 50 but was still dodgy on me pins and thought no-one would be interested in an old bat like me.

    I too had tried some dating sites but did not particularly enjoy the process so gave up for a time. My daughter persuaded me to have one last go and she said to go onto E-harmony as they had a good reputation.

    I duly did as I was told and to cut a long story short I met a wonderful man to whom I am now married to.

    You don't have to have the sex and high passion to make relationships work, its about mutual respect and trust.

    My husband has dodgy pins too, although he doesn't suffer with RA - he needs a hip replacement, but it doesn't stop us enjoying a good laugh together as we hobble along, not sure who is holding who up.

    There is someone out there for you, sometimes you have to go through the dross to get to the gold so don't give up and think positive.

    There are too many shallow people out there, but there are also some lovely ones too, so don't let past experience put you off. There is a special person out there for you but you just haven't found her yet and I am sure you have some wonderful qualities that you will be able to share with her - so please try not to focus on the bad :-)

    Think positive and go and find that special lady that is waiting for you.

    Take care and good luck

    Grannyshiraz x

  • thank you ,your words have given me encouragement .

    good luck to you both aswell ..

    steve x

  • hi steve my friend is physicly fit and has had 70 internet dates, out of those there have been 3 follow up dates, a lot of people just want a night out ,

    others are looking for something that does not exist (perfection ), it is harder for us with this disease, we need a very caring partner , i find the only people that truly under stand our predicament are people in our boat,

    my friend was in a no sex relation ship for 16 years and when he separated and started internet dating he thought no woman was keen on sex. not true some like lots some like a little, most just need cuddles. i get angry that my partner does not want to walk ,sky, boat, train trips etc. she is happy not doing much, there is someone out there for you. don't take to much notice of dating profiles my friend said he finds thet most could not do what they say they want he went out with a 20 stone woman who likes horse riding and sailing lol , good luck

  • hi roger . i wouldnt like to be the that horse . like you i thought woman were not keen on sex , since a friend introduced me to the internet dating site , i see it differently now . my friend is physically fit and i wouldnt like to guess how many dates he goes on , it seems every single weekend hes on a date lots end to nothing so i hear what your saying .

  • you seem such a loveley person,i saw the post earlier and knew he was depressed, it gets you like that especially on bad days,you gave him really good advice and u sound really kind and understanding,your hubby is a lucky man and your children xxx sally

  • she is soooo wrong ,, good sex passion dont make a good relationship , a good relationship , makes passion and great sex .

    been single isnt the end of the world .

    keep smiling steve :)

  • Hi there, Reading your story made me think of my brother, He has had RA for 20 years and i was diagnosed at the being of september by my doctor, He hadn't had a partner for at least 18 years and lives alone, Its sad because I think he has come to term With the fact he will never find someone, He is only 52, I believe that love and companionship is more important than what you can do phyically not all women are the same, as far as I am aware my brother hadn't tried any dating site, he just doesn't speak about it, but I'm sure he must think about it sometimes, I'm lucky I have someone there for me, but if I didn't i would def take the advice you have been given( try other sites) It can't be easy sometimes trying to stay possitive, but don't let this rotten disease take over your love life to..........

    You sound a lovely man and you deserve to be loved

    Take care x

  • Keep your chin up and remember that some people are narrow minded and are clearly not looking beyond your RA. It is really sad for them as they do not appreciate the good qualities you have.The RA tests our resolve and ability to cope in very difficult circumstances. I am a nurse and have looked after many people with RA, it is widely known in my profession that the people with this disease have some of the strongest personality traits. They do not tend to complain, have a strong sense of resolve and wonderful sense of humour. Any woman should be honoured to be with a gentleman with these qualities. Good luck in your future endeavours to find a g/f and dont search too hard as when you stop looking is when you find.

    cris xx

  • hi creekybones, tell me about it , my am 50, just as well be 80, some times, as i am on me own, i try and get out , to meet people , but after trying to fit in and stand with the crowd, i am stuffing for a week of pain , so if i meet some one can go out all week , so have give up on dating , lol , all i wish for is a little bit of company some times, you take care .jo xx

  • thanks girls

  • thats ok

  • Hi Steve,

    sounds like you've got something that women want & that's honesty and self-knowledge (well, I do anyway & it took me ages to find someone with these qualities).

    I know beautiful, charming young people who find are having a hell of a job finding the right person. I think that meeting someone who is right for you just is a difficult thing & is possibly getting more difficult these days.

    Having said that, it does happen again and again & I don't see why it shouldn't happen to you. It just doesn't happen to order! Do you belong to an arthritis group like Polly suggested? You might or might not find Ms Right there but female companionship might be fun & good for your confidence.

    The truth is that RA doesn't stop someone being attractive but low-self esteem does get in the way I think. I've had periods of loneliness in the past which possibly lasted longer than they needed to because I stubbornly refused to admit the bleeding obvious! And in your case it looks like the obvious thing to do is to work on your self-esteem, not for some woman, but for you. You don't have to be fighting fit physically to be a man, you really don't & you are young enough to make changes in your life despite your RA.

    Sorry you feel sad & low, it's just human to feel like that but don't let such feelings defeat you. I think Andy's message above said it all really, but I've just blathered on anyway!

    Good luck,

    Christina x

  • i know your right . but its easier said then done .

  • oh it`s so good to hear someone talk about this,i thought it was just me,being all full of self pity,i`v had RA for 12 years,but up until 2 years ago i managed to keep it under control,had the flare ups,but had a good social life,although i was divorced,i had been with someone for 7 years and just got engaged,now,i`m in a wheelchair,just had spinal surgery,having problems taking mtx or anything because of my liver,so not to good at min,i have no boyfriend now!,and although i have wonderful kids and gorgeous grandson i do miss the closeness,just a cuddle would be nice,someone to talk to,i still try to take care of myself,do my nails,haircuts,makeup,and stuff,still try to look as good as i can,but all i can see is years and years of being alone,who is going to want me? i even had a mssg couple nights ago from an ex from long time ago,i used to see him around,he said he` seen me on fb selling page,and how was i,had couple chats,then he asked me out,i then had to explain i was in chair,the end,,get so lonely sometimes you just think why me,and what`s the point,i know that sounds bit over the top,but when your having a bad time,(at the min i`v got infected tonsilitis so feeling bit rubbish) you do just wonder is this it,forever,,and yes you do think who is going to want me like this,i to have lost any confidence,i might have had i don`t even try now to do anything,,i just think what`s the point,i`m no good to anyone,theres a lot of fit healthy women out there,who on earth is going to want me,with all the problems that come with this disease,it`s a lonely disease i think x

  • hi bunny

    i agree its a lonely disease , your experience with an ex on fb , is toally the same that happen to me .. a few years back , i got chatting to an ex g/f from years back , once i made it clear i was struggling with this illness , i just got a sudden silence .

    nice of you to reply .

    you sound a lovely person . bunny , i see your other post ,,i hope you find some right meds for you ..

    steve x

  • i will leave ya with an old lancashire saying

    JUST BECAUSE THEIR IS SNOW ON THE ROOF DOSN,T MEAN THE FIRE HAS GONE OUT

  • i will leave ya with an old lancashire saying

    JUST BECAUSE THEIR IS SNOW ON THE ROOF DOSN,T MEAN THE FIRE HAS GONE OUT

  • Hi creekybnes,

    im sorry to that you are having a tough time,and understand what you mean. RA causes many other problems in our lives and has a way of eating away at our self esteem.

    I'm 41 and i've been single for nearly 6 years, and i'm starting to feel that i would like someone in my life.

    but i think we put up our own barriers thinking what other people might think about us and RA.

    I used to be very active, and have a fab social life, i dont go out like i used to and quite often decline invites to date as i worry about when do i mention RA and what if i cant do the normal things on dates, even going for a meal can give me the woolies, as sometimes i cant cut my food without looking clumsy, not very attractive on a date.

    but as someone mentioned, we do need to focus on ourselves and find things that we enjoy and can do, because the minute we look happy we become attractive to other people, maybes not for a relationship but even as friends.

    I do think and hope that there is someone out there for us all. jenny.xx

  • Maybe the best thing for you to do would be to look out for like minded people (others with RA for instance?) rather than people who are only looking for a partner for sex or conventional/ halthy person relationships. There are plenty of mind absorbing hobbies and activities that don't require you to be too fit - especially now with the internet.

    Also from a woman's perspective - it's important to listen to what the other person has to say and not talk about yourself too much - both sexes love being listened too and having RA shouldn't mean that you can't listen. In fact you might be really good at listening and empathising and many women find this a more attractive trait than being a smooth operator.

    But if they think they are going to have to look after you emotionally and physically from the outset then I agree this may make them want to run away - especially in the early stages such as a first date. Stephen Hawkins has women fighting over him so I really don't think RA is the deterrent you imagine - but self pity and wanting to be looked after and listened to will be off putting to most men and women so try if possible to avoid any of these and just compensate for your physical disabilities by being the best at listening and showing insight. I'm sure if you do this for a while then you will start to feel your self esteem picking up as women start to respond more favorably. Good luck and don't give up! Tilda

  • Stephen Hawkins will have a healthy bank balance , thats why woman are fighting over him

  • Stephen Hawkins will have a healthy bank balance , thats why woman are fighting over him

  • Yes I know - I thought of that too but actually a lot of people like to have a passive audience so they can talk about themselves - this is more attractive to many people than looks and signs of obvious good health. Me I like humour and kindness - I don't really notice people's looks as such. Just trying to give you some pointers for ways to get some romance despite having RA.

  • i know - i appreciate your pointers .

  • Perhaps you should stop concentrating on looking for someone to love/marry. If you just get on with doing things you enjoy and perhaps joining groups of like-minded people who enjoy doing the same things (hobby groups etc), you will make friends and have a good social life. Who knows who you will meet, People will get to know you without having to make any snap judgements as to whether they want to spend the rest of their life with you! Quite often, love grows.

    I am convinced that when you go out deliberately `looking for love' you will not find it. Instead concentrate on enjoying life with a great group of friends.

    I know `join a group' is something magazines tell you to do. But it doesn't have to be a hobby group. Think about what you really enjoy doing and then find out how you can do this more often and perhaps join in with others.

    I love the theatre and through membership of my local theatre I have got a great social life and a terrific group of friends. I am never lonely although I live on my own.

    Having a busy social life stops me concentrating on how rotten I feel. This year I have had a spinal operation, a total hysterectomy and am due to have a knee replacement very soon. I hurt like h*** in the mornings, am on 2 lots of opiate painkillers, but just having something to look forward to later in the day helps me cope with it. In fact, when my friends realised how `ill' I was they were amazed - quote `but you always seems so full of life'.

    Nothing is going to be more offputting than someone who is always thinking about their illness. Going out and being with others is the best way to `forget' RA.

    I do hope that you will meet someone soon but in the meantime just concentrate on enjoying your life as best you can.

  • I know how you feel and i get really down about being alone and not being able to do what normal people do :( I have had RA for 21 yrs now, and 4 yrs ago my husband left me with 2 kids, a house and animals, and i had just given up my job due to advancing RA. I was devastated and felt so alone. I managed to get my daughter off to college and take of my youngest and the house, wood fires and all. It has been extremely difficult and i couldn't understand how someone could do that to someone else . Especially because i got RA from pregnancy. I am dating some but he does not want a relationship and i worry if it is because of my RA and i don't let him see all my limitations. It is really lonely to deal with this by ourselves and the future looks bleek sometimes but we have to keep hoping someone is out there for us :) Good luck and may we all find someone to share our lives with and feel better with less pain and limitations. Fatigue is huge for me so i can't go for walks, like you said and how does someone understand that ???? Take care !!

  • hi nancy . only someone with ra can understand . i do try to explain to some people , when i do all i get is , yes my dads got that in his thumb or yes my feet ache abit at times , wonder if ive got it ??. trust me . you would know if you did .

    my wife walked out on me shortly after i had a really bad flare up . it only made the flare return 10 times worse .

    i hear you , when you say the future looks bleek . all i see is growing old fast and life becoming harder and harder , with pain and stiffness .

    being on your own makes you think like that .

    good luck with your relationship or non relationship , with time he will maybe see the person you are and not the illness , then fall head over heels in love with you .

  • wouldn't you love to have RA in one joint...what a joke, that would be awesome, so to speak LOL. Yes being alone is very hard and challenges us mentally, as we already have the physical challenge of everyday life. what do you take for your RA. I only do sulfasalazine, as i was poisoned by methotrexate 8 yrs ago and afraid to try something else. But i am trying to get the courage to try Enbrel and hoping that will bring me new life and new hope, as long as don't get bad side effects. I also wish you lots of luck in finding a companion :) and a more importantly a good life !!!!! I don't even know if the illness is an issue with him, it is more he is not ready because of last break up and raising kids, which i understand, but we automatically thinks it's because of our disease, Don't We ??? Take care, Nancy

  • a sore thumb , one joint would do me . i think i could live with that ok . LOL

    on methotrexate since 2006 with the odd steriod jab , if i can get one . what is enbrel ? it sounds bad if you need courage , is it side effects ??

    automatically you will think its because of ra , your abit unsure on his feelings , you should try talking to him about it ..

    take care steve

  • Biologic drugs that you inject yourself, called anti-tnf, supposed to be wonder drug if you can tolerate it. Most people do fine, hoping i will. You should talk to your rheumatologist about it. Thanks for the advice, all the best to you !!

  • my gp , said something . about a new drug . tnf rings a bell. i cant remember the name , golly something . is that tge one ?..

  • i remember now . he said .. its new and abit of a unknown , but first signs are good .

  • Someone who has it themselves will understand - as Sylvi suggested it might be good to look out for a group of fellow RAers?

  • thank you all for your kind words and support

  • creekybones, hi,i know what you mean about the arthritis in thumb thing,i had proper rant about it on fb the other day,don`t usually do stuff like that, but, i`d be out,in wheelchair,and i`v not long had spine surgery,i had a few nice people smile and ask what was wrong,i made the massive mistake of saying i had RA and every single one of them said `ooh yeah,i`v got bit of arthritis in thumb,knee,flaming elbow,and looking at me as if to say well i`m in pain to why you in wheelchair,despite the fact that at the time my feet,, ankles, and legs were like 10 times there normal size,and my hands looked like a 90 yr olds,and ruddy great scar on my neck,i just felt like screaming you have no flaming idea what its like! but what`s the point,they don`t listen,to them all arthritis is the same! sooooooooo annoying,lol x

  • it gets to me to , i dont like saying anything . i just say , i have got problems , stops people asking then . others dont see what arthritis is really like , because half the country are going rou.d saying theyve got it . i sent you a private message . did you get it ? .

  • I thought just the same.. it has its limitations but the right person wont mind that, join some social groups and make some friends and go from there I tried internet dating without success and by chance met some one this july I tried it on and off for a couple of years and just be careful is my advice it is a mine field. Probably best not mention it on a first date I didnt but it is something that needs discussing at some point.

    Good luck dont give up xx

    Alison

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