As I have said in previous blogs I am waiting to go back to the hospital to get scored for anti tnf, which is 11 days away.
My steroids are being reduced but when I dropped to 10mg this week in was stuck in bed, from bed i rang my consultant who said I could go back up to 20mg and drop to nothing before I see her. Next Saturday is the day all steroids, pain relief, sleeping tablets, brutans patches will stop so by the tuesday of my appointment I will be a crippled crying nightmare with a high score hopefully.
But today I realised whilst explaining all this to my grandad who is 86 and very concerned that next Saturday will b my last day of mobility, sleep and reletivly pain free on score of 1to10 I'm a steady 4 with all the stuff and I've come to terms 4 is my best.
What am I gunna do... Having little cry even now whilst typing. We all no the pain of a flare/ RA and I no it's coming but for the first time ever I'm gunna admit this....... I'm scared! Scared stiff of what the next two weeks have instore for me.
If it's not good at the hospital means more time off work and I'm still on probation so in my heart of hearts I think I know that every day off means a day closer to losing my job in the city which I worked so hard for. they have said my job is safe but how safe can it be, I was there a month before being taken off sulpazasine so I've been off sick longer than at work!
Speaking about it today has just opened a can of worms in my head and nowi can't stop thinking about everything!
As grandad said in his chuckly old way if I was a race horse they would of shot me by now