Just not how it should be...

[lulul]

When I imagined my life I didn't really have any great ambitions or expectations. I didn't set anything in stone or have a particular path I should follow. Things just happened in a natural order. Left school, went to university, trained for a career, met hubby, got married had kids etc etc. All the while my wonderful parents were in the background quietly supporting and encouraging me and I always thought that in time I would be able to repay the 'debt' by supporting them in their old age. I imagined being there to get groceries, take care of the garden, ferry them to hospital appointments. etc

The reality is that my elderly (although remarkably fit) mum and dad at 75 and 80 years old are still helping me. They are still worrying about me. They are still there as they have always been.

And it is the worst feeling in the world.

When do I get to do MY bit? When do I get to repay them for all those years already spent helping and worrying?

My mum's response to my tears and guilt is typical of her.

No bitterness, no blame. Just concern and love.

Mum and Dad leave to return home tommorrow where I know they will worry 100 miles away. My only comfort is knowing that my dad will be straight off for 18 holes and Mum will be rounding up friends to go to her aqua-aerobics class. Health, as my mum would say, is a blessing and one which she wishes could be bestowed on me. Whilst mum wishes she could trade places with me , I am only glad that they are blessed with active and fulfilled lives and long may that continue x

[Sharon56]

Oh you are so right Lulu we always think life will follow a "normal path" you know children wont die before their parents and as Mum and Dad get older you get to care for them. Unfortunately it doesnt alway go as it should. My Mum who died recently still worried about me and what would happen to me when she was gone. I had to remind her sometimes that I am a 56 year old woman with grown up children and a grandson. Her answer your still my little girl. I love the idea of your parents being so well and happy and playing sport long may it continue. Take care

[lulul in reply to Sharon56]

Thank you Sharon..this disease brings alot of guilt with it doesn't it!! I suppose God forbid my kids get anything like this I would be the same as my mum is with me though. Difficult not to feel guilty though .

Jane x

[Sharon56]

Yes you are so right Guilt is a terrible feeling and one we could well do without.

[Hidden]

my parents nearly 70 doing the same..

[Hidden]

Hi Jane.

It must be difficult for you not to feel guilt, I know. I was so lucky that I didn't have any real problems until after both my parents passed away. Feeling guilty is a big problem for me. I moved away from them when I was 44 to come to Devon and it felt like I abandoned them, even though they didn't need looking after, Luckily both were very active and fit until the very end especially mum. I still live with the guilt that I was not there when Dad died,he went so suddenly. Parents always worry about you, we do about our kids don't we? In sickness or health parents worry any way.

Take care, Julie x

[sylvi]

I can understand what your saying, When i married my husband who is 12yrs older than me i always thought that i would look after him. Sadly its not happening that way. He's the one takiong care of me. I feel so guilty because he has to do my work round the house. He does it because i know he loves me,which without him i don't know where i'd be. He still holds down a job even though he is past retirement age. He works because he still enjoys it. I do what i can, but i do get told off as i tend to do too much, which i know in the long term doesn't do me or him any good, but thats just the way i am. Love your parents for what they do for you, because you will miss them terribly when they are gone. My parents haven't seen any of what i'm going through. I miss ringing my mum every day. They are so precious. Try to look on the bright side.. take care, sylvi.xx

[emandedmum]

You have no need to feel guilty, it's what, as parents we sign up for - to always worry and fret and care and support and love our children. Only as adults do we truly appreciate how much our parents do for us and it's very hard when you can't give anything back to clear the debt (not that they'd expect it though I'm sure). My Mum isn't well and although she says I've been her rock I really don't feel that way - over the last few years she has done so much for me and my little family and now I see her struggling I try as much as I can to help but I feel it is all too little too late. Still we just don't know how our lives will pan out, this isn't how I thought mine would be, maybe if I'd had a grand plan instead of bumbling along it wouldn't have happened - who knows?! Take comfort from knowing that you are not alone xx

[Hidden]

Hi Lulu, we feel guilty no matter what we do, guilt for having the disease and our loved ones looking after us,housework, shopping etc.But if you turn it all around and it was your loved one, husband mom/dad children even that had this dreadful illness you would do just the same without a second thought. You would look after them just as they are looking after you and you wouldn't want them to feel guilty, we do it because we love them.

Life can be so cruel to us at times, but we have to make the most of what we do have .

My mom and dad had four children and out of us all I did the most for them, my dad passed away about 11 years ago, still miss him so much. Did everything for my mom took her shopping hospital appointments was with her every step of the way through breast cancer. Now, she doesn't even speak to me, all over something silly.My dad did warn me what she would be like but I just never thought it would happen but sadly it did.She never supported me through any of my problems so I should have seen it coming really.

Never mind, done and dusted now as they say!!

mand xx

[Gina_K]

My mum is 83 and still there for me, she lives independantly, drives and looks after herself with minimum help. Nothing makes me feel worse than seeing her worrying about me, or saying that she wishes she could do more to HELP ME!

[lulul]

Seems alot of are in the same boat then.Thanks for the responses everyone

[Andrea_Shapiro]

It cuts me to the quick that I feel so dependent on my wonderful mum, who happens to be disabled by her ulcerative colitis (she has diabetes as well). Yet, she wants to know everything there is about RA. My mum has been my rock (although a bit of an embarrassment at times, as she kicks off about disability spaces, waiting times etc), and I love her to bits. However, I've cried my eyes out that it's the wrong way round.