called out in a group setting : I was out for a friends... - NRAS


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called out in a group setting

Whezziewhoozie profile image
41 Replies

I was out for a friends birthday dinner on Saturday and staying at another friends house as it was quite far away. We had all met at 6pm and by 22.30 I was done…. Getting sore and feeling tired. My friends were probably going to keep going until midnight /1am but I defo could not participate to that extent. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t all depending.

I discreetly asked my friend who I was staying with for the keys and then was going to proceed to book an Uber - once on its was I was going to thank everyone and say goodbye.

However my friend who I was staying with and I had just got the keys off, decided to announce that as we were all friends (and we are all friends) I should be able to talk to them all about how I am feeling, and that I was in pain and trying to leave. She went on to say that if one of our friends can share a story about her liposuction I should be able to speak with them about my RA.

I am wrong to be incredibly upset by this? I felt flawed and shocked. It was not information I wanted shared. Everyone at the table knows I have RA, but it was the end of the meal and I just wanted to leave without a fuss or drama go home and get some sleep.

it made me well up …. And now that’s the end of the night … I was ushered out upset and put in an Uber with another friend telling me how the first friend had not done anything wrong ….. and I shouldn’t be upset. My husband is also in agreement with my friends

I do talk about having RA but feel there is a time and a place and also for me I don’t want to end the meal on a low, but on a high…. Yes I am going home early but that’s ok for me. It’s taken me a long time to realise that I can’t always do everything and by no means do I leave early all the time.

I am left feeling so upset and angry, and I just wanted to know other peoples thoughts. As my husband doesn’t understand I am starting to think it’s me that’s being unreasonable.


41 Replies
helixhelix profile image

Had they perhaps been drinking? Sounds like they had lost their sensitivity.

I would have been furious. And that is not something a friend should do, which I would probably tell her. It’s your business, and yours alone as to haw much you want to say.

Fruitandnutcase profile image

To be honest I don’t think it would have bothered me. I can see your friend’s point, it is ok for people to talk about other conditions yet so many people still feel ‘Oh my granny had a touch of arthritis’ and don’t really understand what living with RA is really like.

I’m assuming your friend’s reasons for bring this up were well meaning. Maybe they find it difficult to understand why our bodies feel as they do or why we feel so tired etc. People often don’t *really* understand, I remember that from when I had Graves’ disease some years ago, they all knew I had it and were all sympathetic and paid lip service to it but they didn’t really understand how bl**dy awful and weak I felt and it’s the same with my inflammatory arthritis and osteoporosis.

I can also understand why you felt you wanted to leave the evening on a high. Did you tell your friends that? I think you’ve just got to chalk it up as a well meaning gesture made at the wrong time for you.

TaylorPlayer profile image
TaylorPlayer in reply to Fruitandnutcase

yes friends can be concerned but they should honour and respect when someone who is in pain and fatigued needs to leave a social situation

That was confrontation without due care to FruitandNutcase. Not that I would ever call you that

You have everyright to be hurt and angry. Perhaps there is someone in thatgroup of friends you can explain it to and they could share what was going on with you to save more energy of having to explain to folks.

All the best to you Do what you know makes you feel better. No apologies 🌹

Fruitandnutcase profile image
Fruitandnutcase in reply to TaylorPlayer

Think you’ve replied to me Fruitandnutcase instead of to Wheeziewhoozie the OP - I’m sure she’ll see it though.

JenniferW profile image

It sounds to me like your friends feel like you aren't telling them much about your RA. Perhaps you are telling them about it in a technical sense, but they feel you aren't sharing how you really feel and you saying you had to leave because of the pain and tiredness meant they grabbed the opportunity to bring the subject up.

Obviously that's a stupid time to demand you give them chapter and verse on the subject, but when people have been drinking they aren't very sensible.

Maybe you could try to concentrate on the fact that you have friends who care about you and want to know more about your condition. That's a really good thing, there's lot of posts on these boards from people whose friends and family are completely unsympathetic and have no interest in understanding what they are going through.

Whezziewhoozie profile image
Whezziewhoozie in reply to JenniferW

while I understand that… I do talk to them about it… not everytime we see each other but most times. Especially if something has happened or changed….. so I am not sure it’s that. But I do agree I am lucky to have friends that care…. I just never want to end a night like that

JenniferW profile image
JenniferW in reply to Whezziewhoozie

No, there's a time and a place for these things and late night when you are shattered isn't it!

Mmrr profile image
Mmrr in reply to Whezziewhoozie

It is up to you to decide when and where you choose to discuss your RA. For me, a dining room table in the evening would not be that place. Completely out of order to call you out in public like that.

I would have said something about it not being the time or place, but perhaps another time.

TaylorPlayer profile image
TaylorPlayer in reply to Whezziewhoozie

sorry I replied to FruitandNutcase in error. Thinking it was you. Oops. But the message remains 🌹🙄

Gnarli profile image

In your position I'd have been furious. There's a time and place for the discussion of our maladies and this was neither. Outing another friend's liposuction at the same time compounds the offense. Yes, they had probably had some alcohol but, come on, sensitivity to another's feelings should not be so blunted. Sending hugs

KittyJ profile image

To be honest I wouldn’t be so upset about it, they’re obviously very good friends as you’ve travelled a long way to go out for a birthday meal with them, maybe it’s the way you discreetly asked your friend rather than explaining to them, briefly, why you were going ? Did you not feel able to say you would talk to them about it but not at a birthday meal when you were tired? I would also look at why you got so upset too, yes your friend probably could have chosen another time to ask ( I agree it sounds like maybe drink fuelled it) but they obviously care about you very much and want to know how you are really doing, look on that as a positive, so many people don’t bother beyond the ‘how are you’ without really wanting to know how things really are. Have you ever spoken to a counsellor about your RA? I don’t know how long you’ve been diagnosed but talking things through might give you the tools to answer questions like this without getting so upset. I hope you had a nice time before this and you feel able to talk to your friends in the very near future because I’m sure they’re now very worried about you. 🤗

CripLady profile image

It’s up to you what you say about yourself and when.

People making assumptions or speaking for you isn’t ok.

tyncwmmarchhywel profile image

Hi, have they got R A or one of their family / if not they have not got a clue as to how this incedent could upset you, so say nothing if its of no help and just jog on and every body M T B . Hubby may also like to think about backing you a bit mor, the wheel in life turns in a flash. best wishes for better times..

cyprusmum profile image

I do get your point. You wanted to enjoy what you could and not have a fuss made. It's hard enough on a daily basis just dealing with stuff. Most folk are not as tuned in as we RA sufferers are to the nuances of how our bodies can feel different at any given time.... I have a family wedding next month and will do my best, but won't push it if I'm tired . Sending hugs!

Feelingpoorly profile image

Hmmm……..honestly I feel you’ve been treated a bit harshly. I often leave an event early due to tiredness or pain (sometimes both!) I certainly don’t want a fuss or have to make an announcement as it embarrassing and some people who don’t know me might think I’m attention seeking.

For me it’s taken a while to feel ok about leaving events early (as you say it’s not all the time) I tend to lean on my husband to field any awkward questions after I’ve left (although like you I’m always careful to thank my hosts) and he just says I need to rest and doesn’t engage any further although it has taken him a while to fully understand not only my condition but also my need for rest!

I think it’s ok for you to feel upset and sad the way things ended, after all everyone is entitled to their feelings however try not to dwell too long on this as it’s clear you have some lovely friends who perhaps didn’t express themselves too well - your friendships are worth preserving.

Sending a huge hug to you ♥️

Madmusiclover profile image

I’d be beeping furious. Your issue; your body; your life; your terms. Big hug my lovely.

smilelines profile image

honestly, when a person is feeling tired and unwell and has to leave early of course they don’t want a fuss made or to talk about it. I would have been upset too. I don’t like it when this disease makes me need to skip or leave fun events.

Sheila_G profile image

I would have been hugely grateful if a friend of mine had done that. We have all talked for years about the message of RA not getting out there and people not understanding the disease. I would look at this as a very positive thing. The more people who know the better. Of course, it is your choice. It isn't clear how you told your friend. Did you just tell her you were leaving or did you specifically ask her not to tell the others? This would make a huge difference.

Bakerannie profile image

There have been many good points brought both for and against getting upset, but I know for myself that once I get to the sore/overtired/overextended stage my emotions are a bag of jelly, and I can't manage to cope with the slightest misunderstanding, confusion or conflict, however small. I just want to go home, take my meds and lie down at that point. I don't know how many times my husband has had to step in and manage situations, as I'll be a blubbering mess if forced to explain or communicate my feelings. Perhaps it was a combination of all of these - well-meaning friend, bit of alcohol, and proof that you were past your point of being able to cope and needed to go home. It took quite a while for my husband to learn how to run interference for me, but it now works brilliantly. Now if I could only learn to monitor my emotions and extricate myself from situations before I've reached my breaking point....😊

Trees17 profile image

I sympathise with you. Completely the wrong time to be challenged. I can’t do late nights any more and just feel like I reach a brick wall sometimes. I would have hated to have attention drawn to me when I just wanted to go home.

wilbertjellyfish profile image

Obviously your friends should have respected the fact that you didn't, at that particular time, want to talk. I suspect there was a bit of ""when the drinks in, the wit is out""..lack of empathy and awareness on their part.However, perhaps, because you were being discreet,they felt that you didn't need to leave quietly and that they would have been ok if you had announced to the group. Night all I'm away. They may have been mistakenly trying to make you feel more comfortable.

It's entirely your perogative! To manage these situations in your own way. Liposuction is not the same as a chronic debilitating disease.. furthermore I know when I'm tired and ready for home I have zero tolerance to drunk people. (Recently, hubby wouldn't leave a party at 1am, we argued, and didn't speak for a week)

Nana246 profile image

To be honest I’m coming to the conclusion that if you haven’t got RA it’s very difficult to understand. With some friends I say I’ve hit the wall and because I look ok at the time they don’t get it. Sometimes I’m asked about my RA and I try to explain but find it difficult and generally give up. At exercise classes I have to be my own boss and don’t always do all the instructors ask even though they say they understand and that they are tailoring it to me. I try to explain if it’s hurting and how I will suffer later. I just have to be my own boss.

I think 10.30 at night after a lovely party and a few drinks is no time to explain about RA and why you need to go home.

On a lighter note Im thinking I’d rather have had liposuction than RA🤣🤣

Hope you are ok now 😊

HappykindaGal profile image

I like that she said you should be able to talk about how you’re feeling as that pretty rare. So many friends don’t want to know and end up not inviting you to anything. I think it was meant with good intentions. But sometimes we’d rather they kept their good intentions to themselves.

Timing was off for you though and a little bit of alcohol can easily take away rational thought and it seems it may have done for your friend. Is there a particular reason why this upset you?

I hope you and your friends are all ok as they do sound lovely 🥰

KASHMIRI1 profile image

I think they are lucky that you could attend the event and very unreasonable in what was said to you. My family don't get it really regarding my illness. I don't even attempt to attend those sort of gatherings as l would be so ill the next day. Also always in bed between eight thirty and nine.

Hippo1234567 profile image

I’d have been upset too - maybe more annoyed and angry than hurt. I’m sounds to me like alcohol was involved. Your friend probably regrets it and would admit it wasn’t the best idea, but I wouldn’t rub it in by mentioning it, just try to forget about it.

Runrig01 profile image

I would have been furious. I agree completely there is a time and a place, and at the end of a lovely night out when tired, isn’t it. It’s touching that they obviously care about you, but why they felt you wanted to elaborate at the point when you were exhausted, beggars belief. To liken it to liposuction is just absurd, I’m sure you’d happily put up with short term discomfort of liposuction instead of the unrelenting pain you live with.

I’m sorry your husband can’t see why this is upsetting, my hubby has so much empathy for situations like that. You are not overreacting, it is your story to own, and others need to respect you’ll tell it when you’re ready. 🤗

it’s your condition and your choice to share or not and a friend should respect that. But it’s done and not worth you worrying about it or losing a friend over it. I would tell my friend off and move on as soon as you can to the next outing where you can stay late or leave as you please.

Green230461 profile image

I would have been crestfallen! If they only knew half of the effort it takes to go out on a “normal “ evening they would not have said anything. For me to go out is like planning a commando raid!

I agree with you.I would have been very hurt and would think twice about being in their company. Chin up RA WARRIOR. 🌺👍

cyberbarn profile image

Maybe their are not the friends you thought they were. Including your husband. That sounds more like bullying to me. A lovely elderly and wise lady once told me that a friend who makes you cry is no friend at all.

However, I once at a luncheon party was asked about my other condition, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. So I gave them a lecture. I am an academic after all, and my PhD mentor was there. I also went through each and every joint that had pain in it at that moment. My adult son was there and he suffers a lot more from the same condition and is a wheelchair user.

They were very quiet when I was finished. And they never asked me again about it, and treated me with more respect when I said I had to leave early or I couldn't meet up.

So seeing your reaction should have been a sign to them that they overstepped the mark. Did they really want to know about RA, or were they just trying to stop you from leaving early?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to be angry and disappointed with your friends. And I think they owe you an apology for upsetting you. Not that shallow 'I am sorry you were upset by us' but a proper 'We are sorry we upset you and we will be more sensitive in the future'

And they own you a bloody huge bunch of flowers too!

Plumcrumble profile image

Hi, yes it's a very difficult situation, maybe get your friends together on your terms venue etc and explain to them about RA and how it effects you, sending best wishes Sarah 💕

Evie3 profile image

Cannot answer your question, but I must admit, when I was younger I wanted to b like everyone else so hid my pain, didnt leave early like I should have but boy did I suffer that night and for the next few days.

Retirednhs profile image

Hi, Everyone is different some people like to go out and about sharing personal and health problems others like to keep it closer to themselves. Your friend appears to have thought it would help you to cope with your problems you were experiencing at that time before leaving so the others would understand your reasons for going. This probably to avoid a long discussion on why you had left early for no apparent reason and if they already knew you had RA as you said a simple goodbye as you were having a bad day would have sufficed, not a long discussion on everyone's ailments when you felt already so unwell and unable to cope any longer. Do try took at it as another curve on your life as a person with RA people may know you have it but like all long term conditions we live it and know about it and its effect on ourselves, some others know what RA is but not what we with have to live with and its impact on our lives and those closest to us.

A chance to talk about RA casually and freely can sometimes help and perhaps that is what your friend was thinking but chose the wrong time for you to do it, not

meaning to make you angry and upset.

I hope you will soon feel better about it all

nomoreheels profile image

I'm in the not bothered by it group, although it somewhat depends on her intonation & everybody's reaction. We're always banging on about getting the word out there so when the opportunity arises run with it (not literally). What makes another difference is the timing, you weren't in any state to discuss your condition, the evening was at an end for you & you wanted sleep. It's an odd one, partly positive & partly poor timing.

rmros profile image

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is your personal experience to share with whom you please, on your terms. I would have been really angry.

I don't talk to most of my friends about my condition because they don't understand and I'd rather they remained ignorant than had a little information and presumed to understand. Only my closest friend, who listened through the whole diagnosis process, knows everything. I prefer it this way as it means I have someone to listen, who really gets it.

GrannyCarson profile image

No one gets RA until they get it.

tyncwmmarchhywel profile image
tyncwmmarchhywel in reply to GrannyCarson

Very wise words indeed Granny, no better way to put it.

strongmouse profile image

It is understandable to want to leave on a high. Your friend probably meant well, but as others have said it wasn't really the time for a discussion on your health. Allow yourself to feel furious and then forgive your dear friend. It is important not to let this upset affect your relationship. She cares about you, acknowledged your need to leave and gave you her key, so don't let the rights and wrongs of her comments get in the way of enjoying having such a good friend. Maybe when feelings have cooled off just say to her that you would like to choose what you say about your RA and when. Good friendships are so very important.

MerielPB profile image

You are definitely not wrong for being upset. Your friend should've sensed from the fact that you spoke to her quietly aside from everyone else, that you did not want to make a fuss. Everyone knowing you have RA is different to everyone knowing how you feel at any precise moment in time.

Gen89 profile image

I think you have every right to be upset. Your friend sounds well meaning but it’s entirely up to you when and where you talk about your health problems. I would have felt my privacy was being invaded and as you say you didn’t want to make a fuss.

seabreezegirl profile image

Yes I do think the whole thing is very odd. Have you told your friends your feelings how it made you feel uneasy and upset ?

I feel you should . And yes you DO have a right to your feelings . What ever your friends or husband thinks .

Ritaritis profile image

Hi pet, to me liposuction is vanity, RA is awkward, perhaps in many cases life changing and as we all know at times tiring and very painful. You have a right to be angry and your friend(s) should be more understanding and patient. 🐈🐈🐈

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