For those who've been wondering where I am, I apologize. In January my gp increased my anti-depressant (doubled it) in an attempt to get better pain control. Not a good idea. I became actively suicidal, I had a plan, a time, and I only barely managed to tell my beloveds . I spent six weeks in the psych unit. The psychiatrist there tut-tutted about my meds, and changed them all. I saw my own psychiatrist this week, and he was appalled at the hospital doctor's med choices. That means that today, the day after methotrexate is also the second day of new psych meds. I've been on Enbrel for about 3 months now, and it's worked so well for me that my crp is normal. I'm still sore if I don't take my nabilone, but I can live with that!
Anyway, I'm trying to be back. Perhaps I ought to be front, too? xxx
Bats
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I expect it to be a bit of a journey, because we're very slowly weaning me off several meds and simultaneously on to others. My pharmacy is awesome.
Hey bats
Yes I have been wondering about you. Sorry I havnt messaged you.
Wonderful to hear that at last a treatment is working for you! About time too! You have had such a tough journey and the RA train. Long may your remission continue. I too have suffered mental health issues, you are not alone.
Oh Bats, you have had a hard time of it, but so pleased things seem to be turning round for you now. I trust you gave the hospital Psychiatrist a good slap? x
Welcome back!!! I know that awful black hole, and the plan. Thank goodness someone was there to help you in time. It's such hard work to get back, you've done really well. I'm still hovering on the brink, my grandchildren are the pegs that stop me disappearing into the abyss. Hope you can find your own supports. Best wishes, Mavis xx
Welcome back, I was just thinking about you a few days ago and wondering if you were ok. Hope things continue to improve for you. Back to front, upside down it doesn't matter as long as you are improving and out of that dark place.
"Down the hospital for a wee while" was my letting people know I was in Grancha, the local psyc hospital and that is why no one had seen me for a while. I've been going to Grancha every now and then since I was in my 20's and married to a psychopath. I'm very happy to say that I haven't lived at that address now for what must be nearly 8 years. Last time I was in I wrote a three act play about 'The Irish question and WW1'!
Anyhow, once my new meds kicked in it has turned my life around. I have been on the same anti depressant I was put on when I was last 'in the hospital' but the dosages have changed from time to time. I had years of " let's try this one to see what happens"........so I know what finding the right one and the journey towards it can do to you. The thing is you are out at the other end now. It's all about the journey...for me my depression was always described as a black plastic bag descending slowly over my heard......taking light and oxygen from me and so life with it. My meds do a great job now, the job they are meant to do, by not allowing me to get to the point where that black plastic bag is even above my head, yes, I know, I'm very lucky but for me it was a very long road and back in the 70's anti depressants were only in the beginning of their life outside sleeping the day away or not being able to tell the shrink my own birthday.....
When RD was diagnoised and almost every aspect of my life came to a crushing and sudden end I almost went off the deep end but for some reason I wasn't aware of much of it at the time and it was only afterward that friend and neighbours told me of some 'peculiar' goings on.......seems I tried to give my beloved Barney (my rescued Lhasa Apso) away as I thought he would be happier with someone healthy......I had no recolation of it at all.....but I never had to 'go down to the hospital' once throughout it all.
Im away off on a tangent......the thing is girl, remember that you are much, much stronger that you think. Coming through all that you have recently is proof of that. I remember a shrink telling me that once and I never forgot it. He said that the very fact that I survived all that I went through is testament to your personal strength......like you and some others on this site have bravely shared their own journey from planning our own deaths to sharing how we came out the end to light and oxygen.
I say well done to you, you are a brave and strong women and you will be grand......bits of ups and down but strong none the less. XX
Thank you so much Jeanabelle. I was 'down to the hospital' twenty years ago, and it was a completely different experience. This time people treated me like I was ill, not malingering. Thank you for sharing your story, too. It keeps me hopeful. xx
Oh Bats, you've been to Hell and back!!! I'm soo sorry.... I'm so happy that you crawled out of that dark place and talked to your love one about your thoughts of suicide...You hit rock bottom and you made a choice to live, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom inorder to find and love yourself.
Thanks, Sue. It wasn't an easy thing, to pull back from the edge, but I'm a stubborn woman, and I am very well loved. Between the two, well...here I still am.
No, it isn't an easy thing to pull back from the edge. I was in a dark place a few years back, not a nice place to be....Sometimes just posting your feelings to complete strangers on this forum is just so liberating. I'm glad you are as stuborn as me
I sometimes wonder if depression isn't partly cause, as well as effect. I suffered from bouts of depression well before I got RA, and I'm sure it under mind my immune system. But the important thing is that you are on your way up, and that you will become stronger than ever.
I'm on hols in Cornwall, feeling very blessed at the moment, despite the pain and side effects. Love, hope, nature, humour. And I wish you huge dollops of those, and other good things. Jo xx
I've wondered the same, but honestly we understand so little about our brains and our immune system. I know that my brain was physically changed by childhood trauma, but I don't know what that *means* exactly. Did it make me more susceptible to stroke, or depression, or RA? My poor brain must be about scrambled now.
Sorry I'm so slow responding, it's taking me a while to get back into the swing of things. I'll accept all your gifts and send the same back to you, with a great big squishy hug (e-hugs aren't allowed to hurt) xxx
I did wonder what had happened to you, i'm sorry that you have had such a bad time lately, but glad you are on the road to recovery. I hope you continue to feel better, all the best.
Your bravery is truly humbling. Hope you continue to feel the support from this site and it helps you along your path to recovery. Good times to come for sure x
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