I'm just going to say sorry before I start as an attempt to alleviate my guilt at the Un censored whine that is to follow.
I was diagnosed three years ago, was initially managed on methotrexate but gradually deteriorated to the point where that didn't hold it so moved on to embral which worked fantastically for the next two years but I have now become tolerant to that and have to start all over again with something else. I'm in the horrible period of stopping all meds whilst waiting to start the next load of meds so I'm in full flare up and feeling totally Crap, particularly my mood as I'm fed up with the whole thing!
The thing that really gets to me is dealing with other people. I took two weeks leave from work as I had had a steroid jab which always makes me feel terrible initially - I get dizzy and nauseous. I made it back this week feeling like death only to go straight into a sickness review meeting as I have had 5 lots of sick over the past year. I know managers are just doing their job but when you've dragged yourself into work even when feeling atrocious, having to sit there and be told you need to reduce your sickness or they will consider whether you are capable of your job is too much. Logically, I know perfectly well they couldn't sack me on the low level of leave I've had (there are some advantages of working for the nhs, one of which is decent protection in the job contacts) but that's not the point. It makes me feel like a flake, like I'm failing when I'm doing my best. I hate my job anyway as they've taken away a lot of the things I used to do because I'm apparently too unreliable so I often feel like I have little point there anyway. Sadly, I can't afford to leave and the job market has shut down totally. I also have a little spark of pride let which feels they won't drive me out but it's definitely getting smaller!
I'm also struggling with feeling very alone with all of this (hence my need to vent). I feel like people around me are bored with hearing me whine all the time so I don't feel I can just offload at them - they have stuff going on in their lives too - and I struggle with it anyway. I always feel like I need to downplay everything as I don't want to be a drama queen and I'm so British I feel I need to constantly apologise for moaning anyway. I don't cope well with pity anyway so I'm not really sure what I want from people but some days I just feel like I'm going to burst with all the emotions and sense of desperation and feel the need to vent.
I can't figure out if I'm so down because of my situation or because of the illness itself -out of interest do other people find their mood crashes when they are having a flare up?
Anyway sorry for only posting when needing to vent but I didn't know where else to go.