I feel like being healthy got surgically removed, and I ache where it ought to be. I just had to step down from the board of an organization I really love. They take people with disabilities of all sorts and all levels (including me) outdoors. We're not just talking little walks here, but up mountains and cycling and kayaking, and hiking...hell, I've even gone rock-climbing. I've been their speaker and publicist, but between the RA and my last brain injury, my stamina and mental acuity (not to mention the pain) have made all of that more difficult. I'll be joining a participant committee instead, and I'm going to remain a participant, but I miss the feeling of being *competent* so desperately. My hands and my wrists and my elbows and my knees are all complaining as I type this, and my poor foggy brain hunts down words and pins them to my screen. They don't just come, any more. I keep waiting for my do-over, for something to go 'ha-ha, just kidding' and give me back myself. It was still a blind self, still an ageing self, but how can I possibly become content with this new self? I ache today, I miss my health so much. I feel like I'll crumble at a touch.