The weird bumps which are very tender are apparently fatty deposits, not Synovial fluid, so the ultrasound this morning was inconclusive for RD. He saw two tiny areas of inflammation but he said because of the tiny amount, he could not confirm RD based on that.
The team there were amazing. very thorough, kind, and the nurse saw me get upset and pre-empted tears before they started. I apologised and I felt like such an idiot. I never, ever used to cry and now I cry all the time.
So my bloods are all negative. My X rays showed nothing and my ultrasound showed nothing.
The nurse told me not to worry, Dr K (my rheumy) would get me sorted. I went into the toilets and sobbed before leaving the hospital. I walked to my car and sobbed in my car before pulling myself together enough to drive to work.
I think it has to be time to leave this community and admit the fact to myself, that I must be somehow making this all up. I feel like I am insane. I must be! There is nothing medically wrong with me! I feel like i'm a liar. Like i'm weak and have no right to complain or feel so much pain. Another blind alleyway that I was so, so certain would this time lead me somewhere.
There is nothing wrong with me, I must be insane, because it sure feels like there is a hell of a lot wrong with me.