Long, and probably boring and disjointed post alert ahead. :eek:
I hope this will help in the months to come so if I think everything was sunshine and flowers when I smoked, this will *prove* that it's c**p and if anyone is thinking of falling, jumping or sliding off the wagon it might help them too - bonus!!
Anyway, here I am gearing up for what will be my final, forever quit and I've got a whole heap of different feelings going on here!!
Am anxious - I've been a smoker for a long time - too b.loody long - so learning how to cope with stuff without a crutch is a bit scary even though I've had quits in the past. But hell, most of the population cope so why shouldn't I?
I know what to expect and that makes me nervous too, the cough, the moods, the tiredness, the tears - but that's a healing process, right?
I'm also p'ed off - how the hell can I have been so stupid? Got my card statement the other day, and it's heaving with "Co Op £16.51" all down the page, all that money buying things i don't like, to make me ill and smell nasty, to make me stand outside, sucking on a burning dummy, making my hair stink, my clothes stink, my hands stink. It is (especially for you Max) MINGING!!
It makes me moody, turns me into a person I frankly don't like (could slap actually) - a petulant, grumpy, narky cow who can only think of getting her next fix. I hate that, it is *not* me, I'm better than that.
It makes me ashamed, especially the amount I'm smoking and what it's doing to me - and if I "have" to have 2 I realise exactly how bad that makes me look. :mad: A pathetic drug addict.
Never got the loss of self esteem thing before but now I do, oh wow i get it.
So that's all the bad stuff - sounds grim eh?
Here's the nice bits!!
Am excited, in a bizarre way maybe, to have a fight with the nicotine monster. Something in me has snapped and my brain is finally properly accepting what a load of c**p smoking is and how minging it is.
Will be healthier, no more coughing (especially in the mornings) no more achy legs, no more dodgy sinuses, no more feeling like my top is too tight - all of that will be gone!!
Will be richer, way richer so I can get back to buying too many clothes which will never stink of smoke and shoes that won't get burns on their soles.
Am looking forward to be able to curl up in the evenings without having to go outside, not having to drop everything when Nic comes, hell being normal!! Not worrying about when and where i can get my next fix, have I got enough, blah blah
Finally I'm determined, smoking gives me nothing and only takes away - have got my 30th coming up in just over a month and I *will* be a non-smoker by then if it kills me.
So my quit date is ASAP. It has to be done, and soon!!
Wish me luck please, I'm going to need you guys!!