So called 'friends'...

[nsd_user663_18143]

Have just seen a post from Trandem and thought i'd share my own 'friends' experience....

Went to see my oldest friend at the end of last week - we've known each other since we were 4 and have both smoked since we were 11 (her even right through her pregnancy :mad:). She was very supportive and even moved her ashtray and cigs knowning i had quit. However....

...She started talking about why she wasn't ready to quit and her main reason was that she enjoys it too much. I tried to be non-judgemental and asked if she wanted me to explain that, even though i still enjoyed it right up until my quit, what the actual enjoyment was? (i.e. the addiction). We had quite a frank discussion about it all and she agreed that she probably didn't enjoy it, but would only quit when her little girl showed signs of immitation or was aware of it. All this time her little girl (2 years old and my god-child) was having an almighty coughing fit - she has severe asthma, brought on by smoking when she was in the womb. Hard not to say anything!!

I did very well not to get angry as this is a complete no-no for me. But i realised that all the excuses and reasons she gave for not quitting were exactly the same as mine were, and it made me sad how sad she sounded.

The icing on the cake though was a comment as i was leaving: "it's great that you've quit Jen, but don't turn into one of those ex-smokers who preaches and wafts smoke away all the time, they're so annoying and i don't want to be friends with someone like that!". I get her point, i used to hate being preached to, but it made me feel like if i mention it or choose to go in to another room when people are smoking that i'll be judged.

My core group of friends are all smokers and so nights out over Christmas should be interesting - even in the coldest weather we would sit in the beer garden, coats and gloves on, just so we could smoke. I know they will still want to do this so am very worried that i will become the 'party pooper' - i have always been the life and soul and the last one standing, which is something i am working very hard to break - my alcohol intake has massively decreased in the last 6 months as a conscious decision to look after myself more now i'm nearing 30.

Hmmmm anyway, sorry for the semi-rant. Have just read it back and am aware that it is very rambley!! 1.30pm is 'fag time' for the smokers at work, so typing is a good distraction at the mo!!

Anyway, i will still continue to be friends with this girl, as i love her and her family like they are my own, but am just hoping that the comment was a tongue-in-cheek one and nowhere near serious as that would be really upsetting

Does anyone else have any similar expereinces that they might wanna share?

Jen xxx

[nsd_user663_15147]

I think it's when you see yourself in smokers that you really become determined to not go back.

You saw how her excuses were just the same as yours, and at a certain point in time, they were just as valid to you. Now they sound like an addict's rationalisations.

I spoke to a v good friend of mine this weekend... she was saying how now she realised that smoking MUST be just habit and not addiction if I've done it so easily!!! Now... while I'm flattered that she's proud of me in some way (because she always says so) I corrected her and told her the first few weeks were hell! It's not easy... but it's satisfying... Then I tried to explain how I've come to realise that I THOUGHT I enjoyed smoking.. when really, not smoking is just as great. I'm afraid I might have sounded preachy but eitherway she was lovely about it.

Well done on not picking a fight with your friend over your visit to her. I find it most difficult to not preach to my closest loved ones so it must have been hard for you to not want to preach her into seeing sense!

You never know, you might inspire her and I'm sure she didn't mean that she couldn't be friends with a preachy ex-smoker

[nsd_user663_8770]

Hi Jen

To me (and this is just my opinion) it sounds like your friends is jealous of your success in quitting. I have had that a lot - people saying well done but they dont WANT to quit. But in actual fact you know they wish it was them who wasnt a slave to the weed anymore. She sounds as if she was being defensive - justifying why she smoked...

well done for not picking a fight and keep up the EXCELLENT work and keep looking out for your (very gorgeous i am sure) god-child.

Lxxx

[nsd_user663_5920]

Your best friends and as such both should be able to say what you feel, as you've pointed out

She is being defensive, but weren't most of us? I know I was for a long time

I have friends who have quit for 3 plus years, some even 20 years!! I have friends and family who still smoke for enjoyment/habit.

You've seen the way forward ... hopefully she will too, esp with a youngster around.

Make contact with her as the friend you are and point out that smoking/not smoking is a part of both of you ..... not what defines either of you

[nsd_user663_5972]

Hi Jen - like you most of the people around me are smokers. Yes I have had comments like that. Yes they did initially get very defensive and if I looked at someone the wrong way they would blame it on me not smoking. I've persisted with my quit and now several of them are talking about giving it a go. There attitude is 'if Tinks can do it then we can' and if one just one of the people close to me in my life quit and me quitting was the inspiration then I would be so happy.

However, I make a conscious decision not to preach. When I was a smoker I hated ex or non smokers preaching, in fact it would make me dig my heels in more and wave the flag for smoking :o. When I think back now, I was jelous that I smoked. When they ask me what is it like now I've quit, I always tell them how bad it smells.

I did have a comment the other day as since I've quit I seem to be getting colds, sore throats and all sorts of bugs. A colleague said' 'you never got all this when you smoked' this colleague is a smoker. I said 'yeah you're right but I'd rather have a cold then lung cancer' it made the person stand up and think. I think just little comments like I make back plants seeds and makes people think IMO.

It's great you didn't fall out over it and well done for staying strong xx

[nsd_user663_18143]

Thanks for all the comments, think you all got what i was rambling on about!!

I think part of her is jealous, as we've always been the 'gruesome twosome' and having a 'crafty fag' together since we were kids. Hopefully she'll come round to it in her own time and make the decision to get rid

In the meantime i'm still not preaching, as i used to hate it (and like Tink says, would make me more determined to smoke if anything!), but a bit of private smugness is allowed, right?!!