I am new here. Struggling with depression

[gsakT]

Hi. I am new here. I am a caregiver for my husband who is receiving dialysis at home. I’m going through a really rough patch right now with depression and fatigue

[RoxanneKidney]

You can be a care giver but you don't have to be co dependent. If he is able to do any of those chores then he should be. He should nor be relying on you for EVERYTHING. Even my termally ill mother did things for herself until she was actually no longer able. People live longer and are themselves mentally tougher when rhey are in charge of their own selves. DO not create a monster by doing everything. Have that conversation now and get your own life back.

[Adriennebirder in reply to RoxanneKidney]

Hi Roxanne, This is a big lifestyle change for you and maybe will create anger towards him. If you warned him about his diet, etc and he didn’t listen, and now you feel stuck. You are entering a new phase of life and maybe leaving another prematurely.

Just because he is in this phase of life doesn’t mean you have to be in it too 100%.

Take time for your passions and interests and get out of the house. Try to plan at least one thing a week to look forward to for your own sanity. Good luck and hugs!

P.s. A good caregiver also cares for themselves. Remember we put the oxygen mask on ourselves to save our children on a plane.

[JEanes55]

Take care of yourself! Find something that interest you and work on it! I am a caregiver too! My husband is wheelchair bound and can’t walk at all. I don’t do it all! I refuse to and I make it clear. I don’t go out much, but find time to do things I like and enjoy times with him too! He told me he depends on me and I help him, but I encourage him to call some of his friends and talk to them and I leave the room. You’ve got to make time for yourself! Even if you just go outside and sit and read. It’s not your fault he’s in the shape he’s in. You can only do but so much. Enjoy your time together, but take some time off for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

[skmc619]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The demands of a caregiver can be exhausting and depending on the circumstance, overwhelming. I am glad you reached out - you do not have to go through this alone! Reaching out to a community like this for a lifeline is a good first step - I do encourage you to talk to someone you trust about this so you are not suffering in isolation - could be a friend, therapist, pastor etc., In speaking your pain out loud, you won't necessarily find easy answers, but you will find support, encouragement and empowerment over your life.

Sending good thoughts and care your way.

[KidneyCoach NKF Ambassador]

Many in ESRD community try not using the word care giver, rather care partner or my favorite, teammate! It really helps mentally to remember responsibilities are not all or none. You cannot help someone drowning unless you know how to swim. You must, teammate or not put yourself first. I have a very old book called The art of SELFISHNESS. Yep selfishness, not selflessness. I recommend this to all òn your summer reading list. It's a quick read but most helpful. Sending you comforting hugz. Blessings

[Lavender1012]

Hi gsakT

So sorry to read your post, it must be very hard and unless you've done it then it's hard to know what to say.

I'm new to this site as well, and everyone has been amazing with their help and advice.

Please, just remember to take care of yourself as well ! Its easy to forget yourself in this situation. And I'm sure people on this site in a similar situation with have some good advice.

Wishing you both all the best .xx

[Highgfr]

Hi.... so glad you reached out. Being a caregiver, teammate, care partner, etc. is demanding, yet very rewarding. I have been a caregiver many times in my life and now after losing one kidney to cancer 30 years ago and gradually over the years going to stage 5 CKD, i may be the one that will need a caregiver.

As a caregiver, there came a time that I had to find a balance. I would try to include my parent in things I'd do but also found the need to let them know that there were things that had to get done through the week. I had a few friends or other family members come and visit to allow me time to run errands or other things. Even some church members, We found board games, cards, tv shows, movies, music, reading, puzzle, that we could share together. I would pace myself and did lots of praying to the Lord, read and used encouraging scriptures to lift me up and my parents. They were ill at different times and for lengthy years. We were very careful to be honest with one another and open. Not to hurt one another's feelings, it was never about love or caring, it was about not becoming resentful or changing into keeping a bad attitude. At the beginning I felt so alone but then finding a balance and depending on the Lord helped it all work out. It wasn't perfect but was so much BETTER!

Try to find your balance. Have an open and loving talk and come up with a plan that meets his needs and your own. A caregivers life does not have to end while taking care of someone. Know that everything you are doing IS worthwhile, a blessing to him and satisfying for yourself. Strive for a positive outlook even in the middle of the storms and reach out to others that may have a couple of hours during the week to give you time for yourself.

There are other groups that may have volunteers that will stand in. They can wear masks and take precautions so you can get some time away. You are the one that can decide who you would like to have help from or not. I was very selective when I asked for help from others and knew who I could trust. And you know the best times to get those breaks and time away so his needs are still met.

And of all things.... know that you are not alone. This site has amazing people that really care and there are so many others trying to figure out the same thing as caregivers. Please be encouraged, hold in there and reach out to the Lord for HIS strength and purpose.

We will be praying for you and that the time you need, your husband to be understanding and the depression you are feeling to be lifted. Be good to yourself and try to find the best of everyday. Find some favorite uplifting music to listen to, place some positive phrases or scriptures around the house and remember how important YOU are....everyday.... you matter too!

PS: Be patient...Your sweet husband may need some adjustment time to some changes, but Lord willing they will be healthy and positive for both of you. Hoping all works out the way both you and your husband need and the decisions the two of you make to be blessed. 💖

[Darlenia]

There are wonderful comments on this thread. I often saw myself as a caregiver - a person who did everything as my hubby's health collapsed; but when the path smoothed out I became a team player. The mental and physical workload can be overwhelming. I've been to the darkest of places and I've also made my out of those dark places. Please don't be afraid to discuss matters with others - with your own doctor, with a social worker at the dialysis center or elsewhere, with family and friends. Depression and anxiety by themselves make for extreme fatigue. Then sleep issues can follow. I found that simply getting a good nights rest can make a world of difference. I had a great primary care doctor who listened to me and gave me a short prescription for a nonaddictive sleep aid to help for a short time. He also gave me a list of therapists. I also began to realize that many of my dark clouds were manufactured by me! I was imaging various dire outcome - and they didn't happen! I was compounding my own misery. So I learned to carefully sort out what was real and not real. Making goals and plans for my hubby also kept me focused. I turned to exercise and meditation too. And then I also took additional steps mentioned by many in this thread - reaching out to others and more. Eventually, I found my way forward. You, too, will find your way. Please stay in touch and let us know how it goes. We care - we're here for you.