Today was a slow day so I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I thought back to the first time I realised I was a food addict. That was in 2007. I remember eating both my lunch and supper at one go and feeling sick afterwards. I realised that what was happening was not normal. Yes, I've always known that I have a 'healthy' appetite but to eat myself to physical pain??? Well the alarm bells started ringing. I remember thinking 2 things. The first was, my behaviour is not normal and 2, the general feeling of disgust. i remember thinking there must be something fundamentally wrong with me with not being able to stop eating even though my tummy was full.
I got married that year. Went through severe post natal depression after the birth of my son. And things just went down hill from there. Food definitely was my comfort (and it still is). Even though my husband didn't really understand was in was going through he saw some of the signs.
When I realised I couldn't indulge in my addiction in peace I started stashing the food. All over the house so he wouldn't find me and judge me. I would lie about how some of the 'treats' disappeared and get very defensive when he'd confront me.
My best times would be when he was away. when I could eat myself to oblivion! I would plan a trip to the shop's right after he leaves and just eat and eat. Eat until my tummy got sore. Then let it settle, then eat again when I was half full but still able to fit in a bit more.
I've come a long way since then. Those memories just popped into me head this evening when my husband bought pizza for supper. I had one slice (because the smell!) And I was ok. Like I really was. Before I'd kind of feel cheated or feel something was missing by not stuffing myself.
Im a long way from healed but Iam enjoying the journey. Of creating this new person. I have hope and I know that He who started a great work in me with remain faithful to find it. I am a work in progress