Feeling a little blue

The front room sofas have seen better days, they are tired looking and getting a little frayed here and there, especially one arm of the sofa nearest the bow window where Alfie ( my little Jack Russell) insists on sitting so he can vocally inform any passer-by or person who has the temerity to step on the front path that he is watching them- he barks at them,behave or else.. The sofas have bore witness to many of our families ups and downs, and have the scars to prove it. They helped my children learn to walk, became caves, mountains, trampolines and dens. They have enveloped and comforted the sad or poorly, been a bed when all the bedrooms have been full to capacity, bounced when people have fallen about laughing on them and so much more. Though tatty, they remain plump and full of boing, in parts the springs may creak a little at times but never fail to bounce back. They are now adorned with throws and cushions to pep them up visually, but I just can't part with them. I have tried, last year I bought a very beautiful, very expensive new suite of softest leather. It resides in the back room. The day of delivery the daughter and I cried at the thought of a quarter of a century of family loyalty having to be cut in half ( they came in through the windows when we moved to our present house) to get out of the house and to be dumped at the tip. No, we couldn't do it.

So one year later I am sat snuggled into the corner of one of the sofas reading, the dog is curled up next to me. I can't concentrate, my mind keeps wandering. The memories are invading my brain and I am feeling choked. It dawned on me that I have been like these sofas for many years. My body has also given me good service on the whole, it has comforted me and mine, through ill health, sad times and happy times. My body is plump and worn in parts too, but unlike the sofas that I have lovingly cared for and tried my best to keep in good shape, my body has been left neglected inside and out for too long. I have a sadness deep inside me that is making me feel unbelievably blue. How is it that I can take such good care of possesions, some hundreds of years old. Get so much joy out of the memories attached to many of them, yet I have let the most important, dearest thing go to rack and ruin - ME.

I don't want to be like the new soft leather suite in the back room, stunningly beautiful, very firm with glossy legs. Noone bothers to sit on it, it will stay pristine for a long time I have no doubt, but it is a lonely sight. BUT, I don't want to be the tatty anf faithful sofas anymore either. I want to lose my stuffing. I want to not creak. I want the inside and outside to look good. I have clung on to some things as a comfort blanket for too many years and I am incredibly sad that I have wasted so much of my life. I am feeling a kind of despair that hasn't been about me for quite a while. Even my 'turn a negative into a positive' mantra and ' things to be grateful for' aren't working. I don't like feeling this way, it has snuck up on me and Caught me off guard.

Trying to be rational and positive, I know I am doing ok with losing the 'plump' and I am very good at saying what has gone, has gone - can't change it so don't beat yourself up about it. Today has floored me. I can't explain why, I was fine this morning. Right this minute I just can't stop crying. I feel like a blethering idiot. 😰


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26 Replies

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  • Hi Shellie,

    What's up honey, here's a big {{{{{hug}}}}}.

    Sometimes it does not do us any favours to look back at what we can't change, unlike your new sofa( couch say coooch in Geordie speak lol).

    Yes your old one is comfy, it may be a bit worn and saggy in places but if you wanted it can be fixed.

    Bit like yourself, not that I'm saying your worn and saggy, but during your life you have lived all the highs and lows of raising a family, working, being a mum, a wife/partner, a friend ,a sister/ daughter maybe even a grandma??. Is it so surprising you have been at the back of the queue ? This is now time for you to shine, yes you may rue missed opportunities but as you and the dog sit on your sofa think of all the good you have brought to not just your life but others, and like your comfy sofa you can be fixed( was going to say re-stuffed but do not want to make you cry more xxxx).

    Sometimes quiet moments lead to reflection good and bad and a good cry I think can work wonders, I hope you feel that once your tears have dried.

    In your posts your positivity and good nature shines, not to mention the cooking skills, this is who you are and I've never met you.

    Hope the blues pass was go mention hormones but won't

    Take care Honeybun and woof to the dog.

    Do something nice for yourself tonight and I hope the sun shines tomorrow, inside and out.


  • Thankyou hun, the hug is much appreciated. I'm not usually one to wallow, don't know what has gotten into me today. I've been upside down and trying to catch my tail all day. I got my backside off the blinkin' sofa and took the dog out, kept him on his lead and just walked. I didn't even noticed how dark it had got until I tripped over a kerb! Came to the conclusion that I was being a silly mare and to get over myself, I don't wear 'drama queen' too well, lol. 😊

  • Shellie, you are like a shining beacon in this forum, you support, build us up with such commitment and devotion....you are you! You will always be you!

    Could relate to so much here. We could buy a new dining room table, but the scars of homework on the old pine farmhouse table are too prescious...and don't get my husband onto stretch marks...still calls them baby pearls...love him

    So never change! Just fight to be a healthy you and I'll be with you all the way!πŸ˜„

  • Bless you, your post has just made me smile. I took myself out and walked the dog for a few hours to shake off this miserable black cloud. 😊

  • Hey Shellie, we all have our ups and downs..helps us to appreciate the wonders in our lives...sounds like the walk was just lovely ..with your trusty friend. I'd love a dog!

  • Alfie truly is my best friend, at 6 years old he has seen me through the dark days of my divorce and serious illness, amongst other things. He has licked many tears away, I really don't know what I would do without my little pocket rocket, even when he is naughty ( daily!) he never fails to bring a smile to my face. 😊

  • Give him a hug from me!

  • lol, will do. He has been more spoilt than usual today, I bought him a new toybox. His old toy basket was too small and a bit chewed on the edges. The little monkey is worse than any toddler, I'm forever tripping up over the toys he scatters around the house. He'll be the death of someone one day with his strategically placed rubber ball on the stairs!! As fast as I pick them up and put them in the basket, he follows behind dropping more. Wouldn't want him any other way though. 🐢

  • I typed out a reply earlier, but it made no sense. (I think it must be something in the air today, as I'm not having the best day either - but my excuse is those darn hormones).

    The main point of it was that all those lovely memories that you mentioned in relation to the sofa just go to demonstrate that it sounds like you haven't wasted your life at all - sounds like you have filled it with lots of love and happiness. The weight loss that you will achieve over the coming months will just be the icing on the cake :-)

    Hope you feel less blue soon :-)

  • Thankyou lucca, after removing my bottom from the sofa and walking the dog for the last couple of hours, I'm feeling a bit more myself. The silly mare of a few hours ago has taken herself in hand and told misery to sling it's hook elsewhere. It's dragging its feet slowly, but is going. 😊

  • See a health professional ShellieL, just to make sure.

    Following an eating plan for extended lengths of time can lead to deficiencies; you could try upping your intake (not sufficient to gain weight) for a while, and get some variety with foods you don't usually eat for instance, to see if it helps.

    Sometimes we need to cut ourselves a bit of slack, take a step back, and recognise that we have achieved.

    Is there anything we can do to support you?

    I hope you feel better soon; a lot of people rely on your inspiration here too.

    All the best ShellieL.

  • Thankyou hun, I'm feeling a little more myself now. I have walked the dog for a couple of hours and blown away the cobwebs. 😊

  • Hi Shelliell my lovely -wish I had seen the post sooner as you need an e-hug. πŸ’πŸ’I can totally relate to your sofa, your melancholy and your enviable memories. Don't forget that you are making more memories right now, these months right now could well be one of your great times. I won't mention hormones or mood swings but I hope you are feeling better by now. πŸ™πŸΌ

  • Thanks for the hug Gonti, much appreciated. I don't think drama queen suits me, so have shook myself up and told myself to quit moping and get on with it. Been for a long walk, the dog certainly wasn't feeling blue and thoroughly enjoyed his expedition to unknown territory. His antics never fail to cheer me. 😊

  • I'm surrounded by things with memories too. I live in temporary housing but everywhere I move I take the same rugs, throws, big hand-sewn quilt, cushions and curtains with me and make each place look like my own home again. Lots of these things were my Grandma's, in fact the curtains were hand-made by my Great Grandma. These things that stay with you for years and years during your life do hold memories, and when you're feeling sad they do comfort you. But the important thing to bear in mind is that all memories get made at some point, and that you're making memories now for the future. It sounds like your house is excellently set up for a party with all that furniture not to mention your ace hosting skills, maybe time to put all those sofas to good use :) Also, old furniture doesn't have to go to the skip if it can still be repaired, re-upholstering is not as difficult as you might think.

    Think of where you are now as being part of all these memories that you hold so dear, you're adding to them all the time. You haven't let yourself down, you've just delayed certain decisions while different priorities were in place. I think you're thinking of loads of positives right now, as you're reminding yourself how much all this means to you, which is a very positive, life-affirming thing to do, even if it feels sad while you're doing it. Sending lots of cheering up vibes and big {{{{{hug}}}}} too xx

  • Thankyou for the hug Ruth, I left the sofa, clipped the dogs lead on and walked away most of my miserable negative mood. So strange how things creep up on you sometimes, seemingly without reason. The last couple of hours has seen me smiling and laughing at the dogs antics and feeling fresh air blowing away the cobwebs. I am pooped, but in a good way. I have racked up a good few kilometres on the pedometer too, so that's a positive. My toe is aching like hell, but I don't mind that really. I feel alive again, if not quite restored. 😊

  • Loads of positives. Maybe be a bit easier on yourself tomorrow, have lots of rest, and keep willing that toe to heal asap :)

  • When you reach your health goals, reward yourself with a new book and reapolster your couch") Same you, same couch, just fresh new looks to make many more memories with....") Change can be very rewarding too, make it a fun day and bring your daughter to pick out the new pattern")

    Hope this helps!!

  • Thankyou Hun, your post and private message are very much appreciated. I have had a long walk with the dog and shaken off most of my miserable mood. Tomorrow I am thinking of phoning to see if the hairdresser has a free slot and getting my hair chopped off, I've been growing it out for the last year and hate it. Then it's work tomorrow night for my long weekend, 42 hours by Monday morning, so hopefully won't have time to be a silly moo and dwell on stuff I ought to know better than to dwell on. 😊

  • 48 hours! My goodness Shellie! Hope you get your hair appointment...and had a think about what concerned wrote...just incase? Will be making the sausages later...I fell of the wagon a bit last night with choc peanuts and vodka! Silly me. Back in the zone now...I know the trigger thigh. It's being at my lovely mums surrounded with hundreds of pics of my family! With mums sayin...can I ger you anything?☺️

  • Lol, Mums!! Drive you crackers but love 'em just the same. Feeding is what they do best, when you are happy, sad, poorly or celebrating, your Mum will have just the food to make it good ( that's what my kids tell me anyway ). Couldn't get in at the hairdressers today, but have booked for Tuesday. Took daughter to college this morning and then scoured bookshops with her Reading lists for English, History and Psychology. Cost me Β£50 for her 2 main psychology books two weeks ago, so thought I would try out the charity bookshops for others. Hit the jackpot, all her english books for the year were in one hospice bookshop and cost me under Β£10 for all of them, the history books ( bar one which I will get off amazon) were under a fiver and the psychology ( not necessary but a bonus to have) were under a fiver too. So that has cheered me up greatly. Got home at midday and son told me to turn around as he was taking me out for lunch. The thought and food was lovely. My mood is fully restored to positive. ☺️

  • Yeah! Really real needed bargains....now that's a wonder of the world.....feeling like a hunter gatherer?

  • Dear Shellie, I was very touched by your post. The line stating "My body has also given me good service on the whole, it has comforted me and mine, through ill health, sad times and happy times" is particularly beautiful. Your body is amazing, not least for bringing new life into the world. Be kind to it and yourself. Everyone has dark moments (I experienced something similar today) but they pass. I wish you all the best on your journey.

  • Thankyou hun, your very kind. I hope you too are feeling a little more upbeat today. Have a lovely weekend 😊

  • I'm away for a day or two and the whole place falls apart! :)

    Gee the feelings of could've, should've, didn't can take us over can't they?

    Thats been one of the main problems I have battled for the last few years - if only I had....

    But I know for you this just a little bump in the road and you will bounce back like bouncy springs in your beloved couch.

    Because when we get stuck in looking back we can't look forward and that's when we lose our way.

    I am quite sure by the time you read this you will have done a full cycle and be back to your usual self.

    And if not then reminiscing is perfectly fine and lamenting over what could have been will pass....and when you are ready?

    Turn to look at the future and run towards it.

    P.S. DOn't forget to long those exercise calories your burned running towards it! ;)

  • Thanks Dave, as you say I am back to my usual self. Wallowing and drama queen really aren't my forte, too down to earth and bloody-minded usually. Nostalgia has a way of biting your backside sometimes, usually for the better, but every blue moon nostalgia gets pushed roughly aside for 'woe is me'. Anyway, I have kicked woe back in it's place, given it a good telling off and told it to keep it's miserable thoughts to itself!! Hope your inner voices are behaving themselves, lol. 😊

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