Don't know what to do

Me and my partner found out I was pregnant last week, (unplanned), I am feeling excited, and happy. Where as he isn't, and won't really talk about it. He had a massive cry to him last weekend and he told me it will all be okay, but not spoke about it since. Apart of me feels really guilty for wanting to keep the baby because I know deep down he doesn't want a child yet, but I can't bring myself to have a termination. I feel as though he's pushing me away since. I find it really really difficult to speak and express my emotions beevausr we will probably fall out. I really don't know what to do, but I don't want to keep crying and blaming myself. We both had a part to play but am I in the wrong for wanting to keep this baby when he clearly isn't ready. I really don't know what to do 😫

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6 Replies

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  • You shouldn't feel bad at all.

    Having a baby is a beautiful thing. And maybe he just needs some time to think and get use to it. It can be a shock to the system

    Also it's your choice what to do don't let anyone change your mind

    Maybe write him a letter of sorts explaining how you feel about the pregnancy about him and what you want to do and have him read it. Might be easier to get your words onto paper and have your partner fully understand your feelings. And then he could do the same

    Hope all goes well xx

  • Hi Meganlilly, I met my partner sixteen years ago and within a month she was pregnant! We are still together and have a wonderful fifteen year old son! At the time I went from being elated I'm going to be a Dad to terrified oh no I'm going to be a Dad, I'm not ready, I won't be good enough, I don't know what to do! Turns out I seem to have done a pretty good job despite being ill the last five years. My son still thinks I'm the best dad ever and I get lots of hugs still. I never got one of my Dad,

    I'm not feeling sorry for myself but It helps explain why I had doubts and was shell shocked at the beggining. My partner was over the moon and thrilled, I wasn't sure tbh. But from the second he popped out and I was the first to hold him and cut the cord I was smitten for life! lol he's my pride and joy then and still is now. Blokes process things in different ways, he might be worrying about being a good dad or will,he be able to provide plus he's going to have to grow up a bit! Lol

    You really have to learn how to communicate properly with each other, if you can't do it yourselves then how about a family member you both trust talking to you both. It may be worth getting some counciling on the matter chat to your GP. No matter what good communication skills are necessary for any relationship to work, without it, it will fail baby or no baby.

    I don't know if you live together or if you have support from family and friends? If you've decide to keep the baby then make it clear to him that your going to go ahead with or without him. In my opinion he needs a wake up call and go man up. A bit of tough love. I'm sorry I don't know how old you guys are even. This is a big wonderful adventure and in my opinion it's what life is about!

    You need to find a way to talk and soon. You have nothing to feel guilty about! He has said everything is going to be ok, believe him! It will be whatever happens. I'm going to follow your post and wait for good news to roll in. Men HUH!! Lol

    Congratulations and the best of luck 🍀🍀🍀

    Patrick x

  • Sorry to hear this.

    I'm in a very similar position, completely unplanned and although I was not delighted immediately I couldn't consider the possibility of terminating.

    Now at 12 weeks I'm growing in excitement, but am riddled with guilt that I have railroaded him in to a life that he doesn't want. He is reacting g similarly to your partner in that he will not open up and I have fears that I will be doing this alone and hence am secretly planning for the event that I will be doing this alone.

    I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you here, just take care of yourself and your wee one and I'm sure the men folk will come round eventually.

    X

  • Thank you to everyone so far. - came to work today and ended up having a little break down to our cook. We are 23/22, and do have our own place, and been together just over a year and a half so still quite new to the relationship!!

    I'm going to break the news to my mum tonight, which I'm anxious about as I'm not very good with words (so fingers crossed).

    I need to be strict, and my usual stubborn self, and let him know, but also support him, which isn't going to be easy as he's a bloke that holds things in and doesn't open up! (Great aye).

    I guess I'm worried I'll be doing this crazy journey alone if he pushes me away, but I can do this, and I will, my and my little bean. (And support from my family)

  • Long story but hope you'll read it!

    I was in the same situation few months ago. We found out I was pregnant, totally unplanned too! At first I was super scared and angry, and my boyfriend's first reaction was to ask whether I would consider an abortion. We booked an appointment with GP, dating scan and midwife. Before we went to see any of them we kept talking what to do and he would suggest abortion every time. I am ashamed to admit that but I was hoping I'd miscarry as I was so confused however any time he would mention abortion I cried as I couldn't imagine killing the baby (I swear I was going crazy). His reasoning was we are young, none of us has driving license, we won't be able to go for holidays freely, no more night outs or freedom, we aren't ready, don't own a house etc. Standard worries people get while finding out. The truth is we are still quite young 24/25, but we aren't teenagers, both educated and got decent jobs, and full support from both families and we love each other. But even if we were worse off financially etc it still wouldn't explain taking someone's chance to live (not religious and accept anyone's decision on terminating however to me we all started as two cells getting together, just my view). Anyway, he kept suggesting abortion but said he'd support me anyway.

    A lot changed when we actually went to see the health professionals. My boyfriend started warming up to the idea of having a baby. Especially when midvife checked baby's heart beat with doppler, we could hear it and he was close to the tears hearing his son heartbeat. It became real. Then we had a scan and saw our baby for the first time and it was amazing. Worries persisted but we never talked about terminating again. We are now parents of a little boy, he's almost 2 months old, and we can't imagine world without him. Things have changed and even though we are clueless and sleep less, it's another adventure we are taking together. Keep in mind you're in charge of your live - if you decide that you are sad tired mother with no social life you will become one. I prefer to be my old self and do as much as I can from before I was a mum, but have so many new adventures with my son :) and it's amazing!

    Felt very similar to you though. Felt like a failure that I dared to get pregnant. That I'm not modern and brave enough to have an abortion. Felt like I was ruining my boyfriend's life, that I tricked him and other absurd thoughts. I looked at him while he was sleeping and I cried because I felt like I'm not giving him a choice to have a life he wants. Totally untrue as I did not plan to get pregnant any time soon and I would never stoop so low to try use someone to have a baby.

    The truth is though - you made a baby together and you both responsible for this pregnancy. Pregnancy whether planned or planned always bring all sorts of emotions. And many many people came to this world as 'unplanned'. You have sex- you always need to take this into consideration. Your boyfriend needs to understand that, if he loves you he will stick around and jump on board, if not screw him. There are lots of mums doing great job without dad being around. And having a baby doesn't mean your love life is over!

    Anyway, let's not assume your boyfriend will turn out to be a bad guy. My word of advice is to get him involved in your pregancy- go to appointments together he may end up like my bf after hearing his baby's heartbeat etc. Try to talk about future not about very far away future but step by step, show him it's manageable to have a kid! Tell him how you feel exactly. I told my boyfriend about everything and he told me I was being silly with my thoughts.

    Good luck! Baby is pure joy :) feel free to talk to me if need any advice!

  • Thank you! We've spoken a bit more, and I think he's realised now that this baby is staying. We're early twenties and both have full time jobs, both have cars and we're in rented. - I don't think anyone will ever be financially ready for a baby and that's what I keep saying to him.

    I have my first midwife on the 31st, which he may not be able to get off work, but he will be coming to the 12 weeks scan, because I feel that's a part of reality he may need to see and it may then become real to him. - as I've not had any sickness just feeling sick constantly, so he isn't seeing any really big changes with me yet!

    I'm only looking forward towards the future, and I know I will give my baby the world and more, and I'm sure he will stick by me, if he doesn't then I know I can do this.

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