Second baby and c-section tips please

[PenguinBlue]

Hi all,

I have a little boy, 18 months old and currently expecting our second child in September and just looking to pick the brains of any parents of more than 1… 

In the first few weeks in particular, how do you ensure that the older one is included and feels secure? So far, I’m planning to get a gift for him from the baby, make sure I’m not holding baby when they meet for the first time and also want a few days just us 4 so that other family members aren’t coming over and giving the new baby lots of attention initially. what else can I do to make it as smooth as possible? (whilst also being v aware it’s not going to be perfect all the time!) 

My little boy is sweet but also sensitive and can be v clingy to me. He’s also not afraid to show his emotions e.g. anger / upset. - the newborn stage is so very intense so I worry I won’t be able to show him all the attention he needs (and deserves) and feel v guilty already about it. He will be just turning 2 when the new arrival comes along so I don’t think he will fully grasp what is going on and that our attention will now be split.

I am also having a planned c section this time but would also appreciate tips from mums who had a c section for their second / third and how they coped with recovery plus a demanding toddler - just worried he’s going to want to be carried or be climbing over me once I’m home

Thank you for reading this far and for any advice you can give xxx

[Jess1981]

I can't comment on C section as I've never had one but can definitely relate to the concerns you have with your older child as I had them when we were expecting another baby . My daughter was 2 years and 8 months old when we had her sister. She was older but she has speech delay and is autistic and can also be prone to huge meltdowns too. She took to her little sister very very well ( with her speech delay we couldn't explain what was happening) It was tough as her sister was in neo natal ward for a few days afterwards following a difficult and assisted birth ( had I known it would've been like that and with her being 9 lbs 15oz I would've definitely had a planned c section)if we arr lucky to have another one I would definitely have a c section next time) I had terrible mum guilt for being away from my eldest daughter. We didn't push her little sister on her and allowed her to come to her. She was very curious by her newborn sister! She never showed any signs of malice towards her younger sister. Kids are can be more adaptable than we think. It is pretty normal for children to have younger siblings. He's not so old that he's so used to just having you all to himself and having to adjust more so. I do think closer in age is better I know it's harder work but closer in age they will be closer. I guess I was lucky my daughter reacted well to her sister and tbh most people I speak with the toddler accepts the baby pretty well every mum of corse worries how toddler will be with the new arrival. . Both my girls aged 3 years 10 months and 13 months are now incredibly close and really interact with each other they have such a bond that is totally separate to me! It is lovely to see and I'm so glad they have each other. The only suggestion I have is when you eventually have visitors let them make more of a fuss with your older child. Most the things you said we did and I'm sure you have got this 😍wishing you the best with the rest of your pregnancy and birth Xx

[PenguinBlue in reply to Jess1981]

hi Jess, thanks so much for your reply! I’m really glad to hear you had such a great experience with your two girls, it definitely puts my mind at ease!! Gosh 9lbs15oz - what a little chunk 😍 but totally feel you! My son was 8lbs 5oz and my birth was traumatic in itself so can’t bear the thought of going through it again this time round. It must have been really tough being away from y your eldest daughter whilst also being in the Neo natal for your youngest (and straight after giving birth too) I’m trying to plan being away from my boy for 3-4 days (at a max hopefully!!) but it really is soo unknown isn’tit?

Will definitely note about asking visitors to make a fuss about our eldest. He will love it haha

Thank you so much again and hope both your girls are doing brilliantly xxx

[Seb9]

My little girl was 2 years and 1 month old when her little sister was born. The newborn stage was actually the easiest part for me, she was excited by her little sister and keen to hold her and cuddle with her.

While newborn didn't do much and slept a lot, I could give the toddler lots of attention and have cuddles in the sofa while I fed baby.

Dad did the all bath and bed routines in the run up to baby coming so it was normal by the time baby came, toddler would give me a kiss goodnight and off she'd go with Daddy, so it was really nice for him too to have time with her.

We also sent the toddler to preschool for a few sessions a week, so had lots of fun with her friends there and that gave me time with the newborn to do baby sensory classes, so neither missed out having lots of attention.

Now they're 18months and nearly 4, they want the toy the other one has, the food the other one has and they can both run in different directions, it's hectic, but for the most part wonderful good luck and congratulations xx

[PenguinBlue in reply to Seb9]

aww thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me Seb! I’m so glad to hear you had a wonderful experience with your youngest in the newborn stage; it gives me some hope!

My husband does do bath times and we alternate the bedtime but it will be handy if he slowly does more of those too in the run up.

My son is in nursery at the moment -3.5 days per week which I might extend in September for a few weeks just to help recovery and remembering what to do with a newborn lol and he has the best time, so definitely will keep that going to help with all the changes at home

Lol we are finding it pretty hectic with just one at the moment, I’m sure it’ll be an eye opener with two soon!! 🤪 thank you for your advice!

Also v random but at what age did you potty train your eldest, we were thinking of seeing how it goes come Xmas (husband will be off work so around more, son will be 2y3m) but not sure if it’s too close to so many new things happening to be worth it. He already tells us before he poos (‘poo coming mummy’ lol) so I think he may be ready on the slightly earlier side but again, just a bit aware it’ll be close to his sibling being born which might take him back a few steps! Xxx

[Seb9]

Potty training might have been a bit different for us then what a lot of people do and I'd say my daughters character was the main factor over my skill level as a parent.

We used cloth nappies from about 8 weeks, which some claim make potty training easier because babies can feel wetter, than with disposables, but whether this helped I've no idea.

We started sitting our daughter on the potty as soon as she could sit up and sometimes would catch a wee or poo, it didn't really matter, just getting her used to it. Her grandparents did the same when they looked after her.

She was dry in the day by her second birthday and overnight by 2.5, we just used to put her on the potty for a dream wee when we went to bed.

I'm hoping her little sister copies her as she's 2 in September, she'll already take herself to the potty if she's naked, but not if she's got clothes on, we've done pretty much the same with her, but didn't start till a bit later as it's harder with two to take the time to sit hey on the potty as much.

If he can already tell you when he's got a poo coming that's amazing, you could start trying him on the potty and see if you catch anything! I found washing a potty is so much easier than a wriggly bum 😂

[PenguinBlue in reply to Seb9]

wow that is incredible 👏🏽 I think we need to get a potty to just see how he gets on with zero pressure as it will definitely make things easier come September for us! Thank you so much for the tips!

And also yes!!! Washing a potty is much easier than trying to restrain my son so he doesn’t get poo everywhere or run away in the middle of a nappy change 🤪🤪 xx

[DancingFrog]

prior to me giving birth to my second, my son would only let me do bedtimes with him so I was a bit worried about that as I was having a planned c-section. The first thing I did when I got home from hospital was show my son my ‘baddie’ and ‘plaster’ and explained that I wouldn’t be able to pick him up and he has to be careful until I was better. He was super understanding and would let dad do all of the things that normally he would only want me to do. He was 2 years and 8 months when I gave birth to my second.

He was quite loving of my bump before I gave birth, so for example would always want to give it a cuddle and kiss at bedtime and thankfully has continued to be like that since his little brother has been born. Do you get him to talk to his little brother/sister etc, I think it helps to start that bond before they are born. He loved the attention when they baby was born as almost everyone got him a little something when they came to visit the new arrival. He also liked opening all the new baby’s presents (he saw it as helping as the baby was too little to do it himself). He also liked getting involved, for example grabbing a nappy to help when changing the baby etc.

Don’t get me wrong there were times when my oldest wanted me and would be crying and then baby would be crying because he also wanted me but sometimes you just have to prioritise the oldest for a few minutes so they know they don’t get pushed aside every time the baby cries. I would then just explain, baby needs milk now and he would be happy(ish) to give me up again. Obviously it wasn’t easy for my husband to try and deal with the crying baby but it helped him try and get that bond with the baby and if he absolutely wouldn’t settle then we would just have to swap over again. Even now my oldest will let me know when his brother is crying and tells me he wants milk, or he wants a cuddle etc.

whatever happens, you’ll all find way to adjust to the new way of life and there’s nothing lovelier than watching the bond grow. My son loves that he can make his little brother smile and laugh and often tells me what his brother is saying (when he’s having a little babble).

Good luck and hope all goes well with the c-section xx

[PenguinBlue in reply to DancingFrog]

Hi dancingfrog, thank you so much for your response. That’s a great idea to talk about my plaster etc and explain he can’t be too rough. I feel like my son is still too young to understand, we have been explaining there’s a baby so he looks at my belly and then calls it his cousin (who is only a few months old) and then asks to ‘open’ to see his cousin 😂😂 but I’m hoping once he’s over 20 months, he will start taking more of an interest. He’s not too keen to cuddle or kiss the bump just yet.

Thank you so much for your tips - that’s really helpful and good to know I can give my eldest some special time with him too.

Do you mind me asking how your recovery went with your c section? Did it heal well / when did you feel ‘normal’? Xxx

[DancingFrog in reply to PenguinBlue]

I think it went as well as can be. I found it a bit more difficult as with my first c-section my baby ended up in NICU for 3-4 days so I had a lot of recovery on the ward by myself without having to do the ‘heavy lifting’ of a newborn so by the time I did get to do that I’d already had a bit of recovery time and found it manageable. This time I was discharged from hospital after 24 hours so I really struggled for the first couple of days, not so much with the baby but getting up and down the stairs, getting in and out of bed around the next2me, showering etc.

I’d say after a week things felt so much better, when the dressing comes off is such a massive relief. But what I would say is that even when you do feel a bit more recovered just take it easy and don’t lift your oldest too soon. I think I did and then had terrible pain from my scar to my bellybutton for about 2 weeks so set myself back a little bit. X

[SMBailey1999]

Sorry it’s not much help but a friend of mine made sure to have lots of gifts to give to her eldest especially when family/friends came to see the new baby. She also reminded those that came to see the new baby that her eldest would be at home and to make sure she felt included (eg if someone bought a gift etc for baby she asked them to bring a gift for the eldest to make her feel included)

[PenguinBlue in reply to SMBailey1999]

thanks so much Bailey! Will definitely be asking for any visitors to make a big fuss over my eldest so he doesn’t feel excluded - thank you xxx

[Abs1403]

Hi. I was in this exact position last year, eldest son turned 2 middle of August, baby brother born 2nd Sept by planned c-section.

The things we did before included daddy doing more bedtimes than me so that he got used to it. We'd always shared them prior but I knew I wouldn't be able to. We also transitioned him to need big boy bedroom and bed in the June so it was within plenty of time of baby arriving.

We kept his childcare routine exactly the same (involved lots of saving for nursery for while I'm on maternity) nursery is 2 days a week but we also have 2 days a week help from grandparents which still happens even now, 7 months later and whilst I'm still on maternity. Gives him some 121 attention and me time with baby for groups etc.

We'd arranged his care in advance for being in hospital but then made sure my husband went to collect him rather than being bought home by grandparents so that he was the first to meet baby and could have his own introduction in his own time. The grandparents followed a few hours later but my eldest adores them so was more than happy at getting to see them again, and then just made sure they gave him just as much attention as normal and baby was secondary.

We gave lots of praise for being kind to his brother, sharing his things (even things you wouldn't want them to share like sweets and toys.... we were careful to balance praise for being kind but explaining there are some things baby can't have and are special just for him as the big brother)

I read that when the eldest wants your attention but you can't give it to them, as you're feeding/changing baby then not to say you can't cos of baby as they will resent baby as a result. We try to say things like, I can't wait to come and do x with you in 5 minutes, or I can do that in just a few moments and not mention baby in the scenario. Ill then praise him for bekng patient. Sometimes I slip up, but I try to balance it out then when I'm playing with eldest, if baby starts to cry or make noises as long as I know they're safe ill say 'okay baby I'm just playing with your brother ill be with you in just a second'.

Whatever happens, be kind to yourself. Its such aadjustment it took me til baby was 4 months to even feel comfortable looking after both of them together on my own. We definitely still have moments where the 2.5 yo will be aggressive and unkind to baby now 7 months, but on the whole he's very loving, wants to cuddle him constantly and play with him.

Best of luck x

[PenguinBlue in reply to Abs1403]

Hi Abs, thank you so much for your response and tips - these are all super useful! We do share bedtime at the moment but even now at 17 weeks I am really struggling even rocking my son and putting him in the crib now 🙈 so I think things will be changing soon - luckily my son adores his dad so I’m sure he will love having a bit more time with him too!

Definitely with you on him meeting baby first without anyone else there - feels v important to me. He’s at nursery 3.5 days a week which will definitely be continuing during my maternity as he has a great routine, loves it there and will also help me in having some time with the newborn once they’re here too. I’m hoping to have my section during the week and be home by the Friday so that my husband can just collect him from nursery at the end of the day and there’s no real change in his routine.

I love that about not mentioning the baby when talking to the eldest and telling baby I’ll come after I finish xyz with the elder one - that’s so nice and I know my eldest will definitely love that

Really glad to hear it’s normal and okay for it to take a while to adjust - it feels like everyone makes it look so easy which terrifies me slightly!

Could I ask how long you spent in the hospital after your section and how your recovery was? Thanks so much!! Xxx

[Abs1403 in reply to PenguinBlue]

I was in hospital 24 hours after baby was born.Went in at 7am Friday, had him at 11.30, was given the green light to go home at midday on Saturday.

So, my recovery was quite good although I did get a little infection around 6 weeks post op. I'm my own worst enemy in some ways cos I like to be busy and out doing stuff. I walked to soft play with both kids 5 days after the op... obviously couldn't run round with the big one but just getting out of the house makes me feel so much better and I found the big one needed to let off some steam. It's not for everyone but I def found a little walk helped most days but also plenty of rest the rest of the time. My first section was emergency, second planned and I def recovered faster second time round.

Good luck xx

[PenguinBlue in reply to Abs1403]

wow that’s great to hear 😍 I hope I’ll be able to be discharged as quickly as that too! Can’t bear the thought of being away from my eldest for too long! Will definitely try and take it easy when I can but know I’ll be itching to get out too! Thank you so much xx

[DancingFrog in reply to Abs1403]

thought I would just jump on the part about saving for nursery fees whilst on maternity leave. When my eldest started nursery, when using the government childcare account I would always put the full amount of the nursery fees in there each month and so have been banking the government top-ups. By the time I started maternity for my second child I had enough in my funds to cover the nursery fees for the whole of my maternity leave (and probably a bit longer for when the second lot of nursery fees start) so haven’t had to worry about that side of things. Would highly recommend doing that to people who can afford to do so (I know not everyone can and they rely on the government top-up every month) x

[Abs1403 in reply to DancingFrog]

This is exactly what we did too, it's been so useful!

[PenguinBlue in reply to DancingFrog]

this is really helpful, thank you!