I just need some reassurance really. I try to do one activity a day with my little one - baby sensory, library storytime, playgroups, swimming etc. Then when he is awake and alert at home I try to do stories, singing, black and white cards, lots of talking to him etc. I am exclusively breastfeeding and it has been going well apart from the last couple of days he has become very distracted and distressed. In the end, feeding standing up and swaying has helped.
I am just constantly worrying I'm not doing enough for him / with him. Sometimes I manage to do life admin or read or watch something when feeding but then feel so guilty about this. I try to do bath time every other day at the same time to get into a routine but often doesn't work as he is feeding or sleeping instead.
I'm really struggling with the mental load of continually wondering whether he is okay mentally and physically. And still pretty exhausted but he is now generally sleeping from 11pm to 3am then feeding then sleeping till 5am.
My husband is sleeping in the spare room. He tries to finish work at 5pm to give me a break for an hour so I can go sea swimming, which really helps. He is also doing most of the cooking. I'm really grateful and know I'm so lucky to have him when others are alone but I still find myself annoyed that all the baby worry or feeling responsible is on me. Like, do we have enough nappies, do we have enough right size clothes etc. It is like I'm 24/7 and he can just do the odd nappy change or holding him when asleep. We have a good relationship and I do talk to him about this but it is still hard.
Any advice or reassurance welcome.
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Seabird55
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In terms of ‘doing enough’, before I had my little boy the best piece of advice I got from a friend was just keep the child alive, everything else is extra. It’s tongue in cheek advice but it’s actually pretty true-the only thing we should really worry about is whether the child is fed, safe, and healthy. Of course we want to do all the things-read to them, baby groups etc. But they aren’t things we should worry about, they are just things to do to fill our day and enjoy with our child. Every experience a baby gets at that age is new and educational so they are learning no matter what.
The mental load is a hard one as unfortunately biologically we’re just programmed to do it. If there are certain things you can ask your partner to be responsible for that might help? Like can he be in charge of laundry so you always have clean baby clothes? It might help to write your mental load down so can talk to him and maybe give him some things on it to carry.
The first couple of months are tough but it does get better 😊 xx
Gosh, you are doing loads! I didn't do any of this (well, I showed my baby the black and white cards but then she tried to eat them so...) and she's absolutely fine. I think at that age they can find anything interesting or stimulating, just being around you or other people, hearing you talk and watching what you're up to, going for a walk... Don't forget about your happiness and wellbeing as it's probably a cliché but once you've done the basics, I do think happy mum = happy baby. But if you're getting the occasional sea swin in that's awsome - I managed to have a shower on my own sometimes and counted that as a win. I'm not sure I can help on the worrying about 'supplies' though - it drove me mad that I was the only one who ever packed the baby bag or who ordered the wipes, or knew where her vests were. That hasn't really changed tbh but me and my husband have come to an uneasy division of responsibilities and although I sometimes I blow the whole system and rebel, it works as well as it can.
I had my baby at the start of the first lock down. No groups or activities for the most of mat leave. He is very social with zero separation anxiety or stranger danger and bright as a button despite spending most of his first year of life stuck in the living room with me. All the lockdown babies I know have just done fine. If you are tired rest. The pressure you are putting in yourself is unnecessary.
I recommend every new mum and dad read 'how not to hate your husband after having kids'. It explains a lot. He's not doing things intentionally men and women are just wired different.
Wow that feels like you are doing so much, with my first I did one activity out a week and with my 2nd we were in lockdown so there wasn't anything. I used to love our days when the most I expected of myself was maybe a short walk out with the pram. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself babies at that age mostly just need cuddles and talking to. I used to just talk to them about the housework as I did it. They are now both social and excellent at communicating. They also do a lot of independent imaginative play which I tried to allow some independent stuff from a young age so they got used to me not always entertaining them. Obviously not leaving them to get upset and supervised them but they would lay on a mat with some toys etc. The best piece of advice I got was everything is a phase, what works at one point wont keep working and when things are tough it will pass.Your doing great, your only 10 weeks and it sounds like your all healthy.
I have the same worries all the time. My brother who has two kids of his own visited me and told me that I am doing a great job and am an amazing mother. Sometimes it just makes a massive difference to hear someone actually say it, no shame in that need for reassurance. Two bits of advice that helped me - #1 Babies cry. #2 If you are worried about whether you are a good Mum, then you are x
Have a look at ‘mental load’ - it’s something I was struggling with too and once I realised what was happening and showed my husband some resources I felt a lot better. I wouldn’t say much changed but at least we’re both aware of it. Unfortunately it’s something you’ll probably continue to shoulder if you’re the primary caregiver, but both of you acknowledging it can help and give him a push to take more on or at least understand how you feel.
You are doing plenty!! Honestly I think you’re possibly doing a little too much and putting too much pressure on yourself. You don’t need to take him to a formal activity every single day, just spend time with him. Most of his early development comes from interacting with you - your face, expressions, voice etc. Smile and sing and play, it’s more than enough. Yes an activity once or twice a week is brilliant, but don’t feel like you have to break your back doing it every single day.
You’re doing a brilliant job. Just make sure you’re looking after yourself too, you need breaks. Sea swimming sounds great! Is there anyone who can come and give you a break for a little longer than an hour, are grandparents or trusted friends nearby? Just an afternoon where you don’t have to think can be really helpful.
Feeding - will your baby take a bottle of expressed milk? Then your husband can do a night feed now and then maybe you can have a night in the spare room to get a solid nights sleep. I’ve also heard that sitting on a gym ball with baby can calm them, could maybe save your legs when feeding.
Never feel guilty for squeezing in some you time! I play Zelda when my boy naps on me!
Sorry this got long!
You’re doing a brilliant job and don’t ever forget it. Look at your healthy happy little guy and be proud of yourself x
oh my goodness you are smashing life!! 🙌🏼💪🏼 at 10 weeks old I was really proud if I got out to a baby class once a week never mind every day and sea swimming etc for yourself is amazing! Honestly the main thing is to meet their immediate needs at that age, eat, sleep, nappies repeat anything else you do is mainly for you at that age and to get them socialised they learn just as much from a wee song from you while they are finding their hand to their mouth as they do at a ‘class’ but I found them great for my own well being and by 6 months the social aspect for the wee one was great too but defo not needed every day if you have ‘life admin’ to deal with so I wouldn’t worry about that, you are already over exceeding by my book 💜🤗 Instagram etc paints a very dangerous picture of what it’s ‘meant’ to be like and what we are supposed to be doing. I can tell you for example not once have I cut breakfast into the shape of a hedgehog with organic home grown fruits and my 2 year old is eating just fine 😂. In terms of being the one to always think about the nappies etc I made with peace with this even when I went back to work full time it’s still the same but there are things my other half notices and does that I don’t (when the hedge needs cut, when the dog foods running out etc) so it’s just easier this way as I can forgot about those things and they can forget about nappies and wipes lol but if you need help with that or anything at all I found it easier when I (eventually) just spoke about it and asked for the help in very specific terms as I was hoping they would work it out. I also found letting my family help and not trying to do everything myself all the time useful too if you have anyone close by defo never feel guilty for asking for or accepting help as it takes a village as they say 💜🤗 you are doing brilliant xx
you are doing more than enough.. I did one class a week… i spent too much time watching all the tiktok mums do so much with their little ones I felt I needed to do the same but soon realised I couldn’t.. I had to slowdown as my wee one had complete sensory overload which impacted eating and sleeping.. I also forgot the basics for the shopping! baby and mum need peace at home that’s what I’ve realised now. Do what you feel is right.. if you and baby are eating, dad can look after himself.. (sorry but that were it got to in my house!) maybe ask if dad can cook during the week and you do it on the weekends ?. And if it makes you feel better, get a stock of nappies, wipes, cotton pads etc in for emergencies.. but maybe a few in the next size up..! I ended up with 3 bundles of 0 size that I couldn’t use ☺️ you are doing amazingly well.. don’t forget that.. x
I cannot agree enough with everyone that's commented! You're doing amazing.I considered it a good day at 10 weeks if I managed to get out of the house and remembered to put my outdoor shoes on and not go out in my slippers.
I know it's really hard not to worry about everything, but I did find somethings like whether I had enough clothes, nappies etc. I would go through what of I didn't have enough?
Asda is open 24/7 local to me and Amazon prime deliver next day? So they were my back ups! I did quite a few Prime orders at stupid o'clock while breastfeeding and some came as quite a surprise when they turned up as I had no recollection of what I'd ordered 🤣
You are doing an amazing job, your little one needs to feel loved, safe and secure. He needs parents who love it and his basic care needs met so he can develop a secure attachment. He needs you to talk to him and sing to him. That is really all he needs, these are the foundations for the rest of his life.
The groups, classes, black and white cards etc are lovely and the advertising is good but kids who don’t have all of those things also thrive. Unfortunately I think there is added pressure on parents to feel their babies need all these things but I am not sure they do. I think there is a certain type of parent who take their children to these things and those parents are the parents who give their children a rich, nurturing experience anyway. So statistically these kids do achieve more (as per the advertising claims) but they probably would have without baby sensory or whatever. With my first, I felt exactly the same as you and tried to make every day developmentally enriched - which was a challenge because he was a lockdown baby. My second didn’t do as much but he is still thriving (didn’t have time to worry about things). Groups and classes are brilliant, I really enjoyed them but I would say, do them for you. It won’t make a huge difference to baby.
There is a huge mental load of mothers and much a huge market for baby products/classes etc, views about how best to feed/wean/toilet train etc. I have two boys, 2 1/2 and 14 months and I would honestly say, the best thing you can do is switch off from all the ‘should do’ advice and do what feels right for you and baby. It is exhausting, there is so much to work out and figure out but I genuinely believed that you can’t go to far wrong if you meet those basic needs.
I am a social worker and remember doing a course on child development and they said if you meet a babies needs 40% of the time, they will be okay. Obviously we want to achieve more for our babies but I guess it shows that if they cry for a little while, that is okay. If you need to take 5 to finish washing your hair, baby will be fine.
My husband is amazing but things felt strained for the first year with both of mine. He also slept upstairs and I felt overwhelmed with the mental load. I felt frustrated that he didn’t think like me or just do the things that needed done. I promise it does get easier, the hormones settle, you adapt to having a small person and you will both get into a rhythm and you will start to direct him to do what you need him to do. If your other half is anything like mine, we will probably feel a bit useless and want to help and appreciate being told what to do. It just takes time. And you will forget how hard it is right now and maybe even do it all over again.
Look after yourself, do whatever you need and the rest will fall into place. Happy mum, happy baby xxx
feels like I’m reading about myself. I have a 6 weeks old here and 9 years old. I absolutely love them and love being a mum. But sometimes it’s so overwhelming I just want to run away. Constantly worried about baby, dunno why I keep looking for something that might be wrong with him. My husband is pretty much the same - does the shopping and cooking, takes the baby off me so I can take a shower or when baby is happy and he wants a cuddle. My hubby does a lot and I know that but sometimes, and I dunno why, it just seems not enough.
My baby is breastfed as well. Last few days have been hard, he struggles with one boob - just gets frustrated and screams his head off. Which has made me question the whole breastfeeding thing. 😭
Anyway I think you’re doing great, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Just be with the baby and enjoy baby as much as you can.
Wow that is a full schedule for such a young baby. Well done! In the first few months they mainly need cuddles from mum and dad, food and taken care of. Really.. talking to them and maybe the black an white book. Most important is to take care of yourself during this time so that you can be there. I was a zombie surviving on 3 hrs sleep for the first 7 months. Went out to see friends with babies helped and one or two playgroups when he was like over 5/6 months. Mainly to socialise him. They don’t need that much at such early stage. And they don’t realise their surrounding until about 4 months. They say the first 3 months is like the 4th trimester and all they need is you providing comfort while they get used to life outside the womb. Feel free to feed while watching something. They won’t notice. After 4 mnths I used my earphones and watched Netflix as mine would feed for hours. If you are worried you don‘t do enough I just want to emphasize that in the first year I was in survival mode and did what I could. My son still turned out to be a smart and confident boy speaking 3 languages and writing spelling etc at just 4. When they are a few months old the‘ll benefit more from such schedule. Now is the time when you can meet up with friend and have a chat not needing to run after them. For the next 4 years at least! So enjoy.
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maybe you can have a night in the spare room to get a solid nights sleep. I’ve also heard that sitting on a gym ball with baby can calm them, could maybe save your legs when feeding.
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