Toddler making bad behaviour personal

[Purpledoggy]

We’re, or rather I’m, having a bit of a tough time with the almost 2yo. He’s shown a preference for Dad for a while, not helped by my feeling rubbish during my second pregnancy meaning I found it harder to play with him or even look after him sometimes. My husband also exacerbates it a bit by pandering to the parent preference. We have just had baby 2 and the toddler is showing some understandable jealousy, mainly if husband is holding baby. We’re obviously now also entering the toddler tantrum phase. Most of the tantrums don’t phase me as I know to stay calm, try to comfort and understand him, and TBH try to see the funny side of what set him off. However, tonight toddler hit me quite hard in the face, on purpose, twice in a row. I explained both times it hurt and asked him not to, the second time telling him he would go on the step if he did it again. He almost immediately threw a ball at my face so onto the step he went. What has thrown me is he then point blank refused to apologise (normally v good about it when prompted at the end of time out). He was then stuck tantruming on the step 10 mins with me calmly asking him to apologise and explaining why, and asking why he wouldn’t. Eventually i had to go to the kitchen so husband went to him, asked him to apologise to me, at which point he did immediately. It just left me feeling rather hurt and defeated. I’m trying to be the thoughtful parent I wish I had had and I’m not sure where it’s going wrong and how not to take this behaviour personally. It’s far from the first time he has done something when dad asks after not doing it when I do, even though I’m far from a pushover! Not sure what I’m asking really, just needing to vent and some reassurance/solidarity! Xx

[PenguinBlue]

hello, aw I’m sorry to hear this but sounds v understandable with him being almost 2 plus adjusting to a new baby as well. My son is (fingers crossed) coming out of the end of the hardest phase as he just seems to understand a whole lot more now than he did a few months ago (with a new sibling also)

It is hard to not take things personally with them sometimes, it’s like they know exactly what buttons to push even though they’re so little and not emotionally mature!

My son hasn’t done what you’ve described but there was an awful lot of parental preference for my husband the first few months after my daughters arrival which I found really upsetting - but I think you are doing all the right things in explaining what was wrong / why not to do it and just sounds like he had one hell of a day emotionally and could only settle with your hubby (where he’s got the preference for at the moment) - which is v normal for them too. My son tantrums and cries for my husband whenever he’s home for his nap and my husband is wfh - I feel so sad that he doesn’t want me to put him down but in the evenings he’ll now be upset if my husband puts him to bed and not me 🤪 so now we’re in the phase of where he wants the opposite parent to be with him 🤦🏽‍♀️

You’re doing a great job - I hope this phase passes quickly for you!! Definitely don’t take it personally and try and remember he’s processing a LOT of change still whilst also developing a lot too x

[Purpledoggy in reply to PenguinBlue]

Thank you for the sanity check 😊 It doesn’t help being so tired looking after a 5 week old with sketchy sleep (child 1 was sleeping 4-5h at a time at this point, i’m lucky with 2.5h with this one 😴). Last night I felt like just walking out of the house at 4am but husband’s ill and baby’s breastfed so there goes the dramatic exit. Xx

[PenguinBlue in reply to Purpledoggy]

The early days with a newborn and adjusting toddler are so tough. I was really upset for a lot of it as I couldn’t spend proper time with my eldest as the newborn needed lots of feeding etc. I think they have a similar gap (just under 2 years between ours) and coupled with a lack of sleep from myself was TOUGH! what I will say, it gets better and easier - my boys tantrums have really calmed down since I’ve been able to spend more time with him 1:1 now that the baby is bigger and their relationship is so much nicer now too.

Hah I know what you mean about the dramatics though, give your self some slack and kindness - it is not an easy stage at all. Venting helps every mum xxx

[Twiglet2]

you aren’t doing anything wrong in my opinion you handled it beautifully! Here’s my theory on it (based on how my little boy behaves with me sometimes and all the googling I’ve done as I’m the only one he bites and pulls hair with and has epic tantrums with) this 10 minutes on the naughty step with you was time with you and even if it’s negative attention it was your attention. With dad he does other ‘fun’ stuff so was happy to just apologise and get off the step. I spend loads of time with my toddler but I also have a million other things to do at the same time so it isn’t always fun dedicated time with him. I’ve started trying the we will do a naughty corner of you hit me again and that means I can’t play with your trains with you and this works much better than the actual naughty corner alone which he was just laughing at me and running away from constantly before. He now (mostly) sits in the naughty corner if it’s needed for the minute then gives me a big cuddle and we go play but I find I only need it maybe once a day now and he’s actually listening to my warnings when I say no if you do that it’s the naughty corner but if you do this mummy will play with you. I Know that’s not always possible (especially as you have another a wee one) and I know I can’t do all the physical fun my wife does (she is much stronger than me and flies him about constantly when I have a bad back lol) so don’t think I will ever be the ‘preferred’ parent at this toddler stage but I’ve made an extra effort to be spend time being his friend and he does enjoy the play doh, jigsaws and imaginary vehicle games we play together too and now he’s 2,5 we can play hide and seek and what’s the time mr wolf etc. so more active without me having to throw him about or become a human bouncy castle to have fun😂. I also let him help me with the washings and cooking etc so he still feels he is spending time with me even when I’m busy. I do t know if any of that helps you but it’s defo been helping me the last few months as I was getting really down as I felt every day was just an argument between us both and I was such a nagging mum then I would watch my wife take over and him behave brilliant ! (We both work full time but opposite ends of the week so she has him as much as me!). There’s also the fact sometimes though he’s just a wee toddler with big feelings and no matter what we do he’s a little A*hole 😂🤣🤣😂 and for that I have a bottle of Prosecco chilling for Friday nights

😘

[Purpledoggy in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you, it’s reassuring to know it’s ‘normal’! I was thinking about the ‘any attention is good attention’ actually as I was reading something similar on Mumsnet (AIBU is my new through-the-night addiction while breastfeeding/burping/trying to get newborn to gothefucktosleep 😂). It’s hard trying to squish quality time in with him between the breastfeeding, parent preference (he doesn’t want to do anything with me a lot of the time), and him being in nursery. I can’t drive due to the C section and can’t be away from baby too long due to EBF, so even on weekends it’s hard getting that one to one although i am trying desperately hard to do it (then often get told to go away!). Maybe I’m trying too hard and need to play harder to get! Xx

[Twiglet2 in reply to Purpledoggy]

It’s totally understandable and it’s impossible to do everything and you are sole everything for the baby just now I think it’s totally normal especially with the new baby and I know it’s hard not to take it personally (I defo do!) toddlers express their emotions in the strangest ways! But using the ‘carrot’ reward of my devoted time vs the ‘stick’ of naughty corner has defo made a difference for me lately and I get less toys and fists thrown at me! Might also be that he’s just getting a bit better at communicating his needs the last few months too though in other ways than a tantrum. You honestly sound like you are doing so amazing!!!! Xxx

[Twiglet2 in reply to Twiglet2]

Oh the ‘hard to get thing’ I’m not sure will work but if he’s in the ‘don’t want you want other mummy stage’ when I’m watching him and he’s in a huff one of the things I do is just go play with one of his toys or games myself (car or train sets work best for us) and act like I’m having a great time and say he doesn’t have to play but if he wants to he can and he usually comes over and plays with me all happy and excited. Gives him a bit of control and choice which he seems to like. Honestly toddlers are so wonderful and difficult at the same time 🤗💜 xx

[MrsOrangejuice]

My LG is coming 21mnths and a month or so ago started bashing both me and my husband in the face. It's quite shocking and whereas my husband was laughing it off and making it almost a game, I was putting her down, walking away and saying you hurt mummy (and doing my best sad face). That sort of worked and then a week ago she bashed my husband so hard in the face with his mobile phone to wake him up she gave him a black eye(!), so now we are a bit more aligned on no hitting, and that's helped. But also if your nearly 2 yo is apologising to you or anyone else ever that's miles away from where we are so sounds like you've taught him brilliantly and he is learning, just I think their emotions are all over the place (we get crying/laughing/anger all at once sometimes, and just because I offered a banana or something terrible like that). I'll be in the same situation as you in a few months and I am kind of dreading the combo of toddler tantrums and newborn, and worried I won't be able to keep my temper and be the patient reasoning parent I'd like to be (although that person seems to be permanently unavailable of late). Ultimately we'll get through it doing what we can at any given moment x

[Purpledoggy in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

I’m no sure the apology is quite an apology as it doesn’t seem to mean he won’t do it again 5 seconds later 🙃 newborns and toddlers are an interesting(?) combination. It has been quite the marathon in temper control! I’m sorry your wee one is resorting to intermittent violence but good that something is helping. Glad all going ok with number 2 for you 😊 xx

[Seb9]

My little girl is 4 now and I wish i hadn't spent so much time trying to get apologies out of her. She had no real understanding of what I was asking of her and looking back it was just giving her bad behaviour more attention, which was what she wanted anyway with a new sister in the mix. Our youngest is 2 now and I've found just ignoring her temper outbursts and focusing on distracting her and not really giving the smacking (or her favourite thing is to throw anything in reach) any attention. She quite quickly comes through the episode and much quicker and calmer than when I'd try and get apologies and we're back to having cuddles and smiles, very quickly. I've found this means she isn't getting attention for it and so she uses it less as a way to get attention, if that makes sense? It's also really helped me with how I react with my eldest as she's got older she's far less physically aggressive now and much better at controlling her temper.

I found this stage a real struggle though, I was tired and had far less resilience with her than I do with her sister because I'm getting more rest. It's a really hard stage and my friend described it as survival mode, which I really felt like it was.

[Purpledoggy in reply to Seb9]

It’s interesting about the apology-I wondered how long I should have been pushing it last night while I was going backwards and forwards to him but then usually he does it straight away, and even if he does the thing again he does seem to understand briefly he hurt someone (he’s very sensitive to other children and adults being upset). I’m torn between sticking to my guns/not being a pushover and not wanting to make things worse/draw them out unnecessarily. It’s so hard to navigate when things are never static, like the roads keep moving! (Makes me feel like I’m on those staircases in Hogwarts.) We need to have a rejig on dealing with this. I think my main concern ignoring the more physical things is sometimes it has been when I’m holding the baby, which is obviously more of an immediate issue. xx

[Seb9 in reply to Purpledoggy]

You're so right about the Hogwarts Staircase, that's so much what it feels like! The hiring thing seems like such a phase now looking back on it, but when you're in the middle of it, it feels endless. I think at 2 they're unable to control their emotions, but physically able to give you a good wallop which is never fun, but they do tend to grow out of it. I used to try and measure the good times against the bad times and find that the good was more, it was just easier to forget them when the bad times were sooooo bad 👎 good luck with it all x

[Purpledoggy in reply to Seb9]

He’s mostly a sweet laid back kid so good definitely outweighs bad. I think I’m just scared of doing the wrong thing or making it worse, as well as being offended by the personal targetting! I think he may be feeling under the weather as well-husband just came down with Strep throat and we know who patient zero had to be! Xx

[Seb9 in reply to Purpledoggy]

So typical, they have you questioning everything about your parenting and sanity, only for them to be only acting that way because they're not feeling great. Hope everyone is feeling better soon xx