Support needed! Is this behaviour normal???

[ace123]

Hello all, I am almost 12 weeks pregnant, the first scan is this Friday! Though this pregnancy was unplanned, I am pleased and excited now. My boyfriend's initial reaction was shock and unhappiness, he didn't feel he was ready for the commitment… Though we have been together for five years. I accept that everyone processes shock differently and it is important not to be too judgemental at this stage. The boyfriend did encourage us to keep the baby and raise him/her (we had talked about adoption). However, when I spoke to him last night about when he would need to give notice for paternity leave. He asked if he HAD to take the leave. This left me a little bemused as I sort of expected a minimum of a weeks worth of support when the baby was born. I asked him why he wouldn't want to take the paternity leave and he said that he had hoped that he would be able to keep the baby a secret from work as he was worried about judgements. I'm just a little stunned… When is he going to realise this pregnancy is not ALL about him?! It has left me feeling really down, it doesn't bode well for the future as I feel he is putting himself in a position whereby he can make an easy exit when he feels the need… What do you guys think? Honesty appreciated!

[amy5891]

Well firstly congratulations and well done for having the confidence to follow through and to talk about the other half.

Personally if I were you, whilst I am not violent I am mouthy and if my other half said that to me he'd be on hands and knees groviling for forgiveness.

Do not take it. Make him understand what he's said is out of order and not acceptable and if he's not willing to give you and the little one full commitment he needs to tell you now so you know what you're facing and how you want/need to cope.

Good luck hun and be strong xxx

[ace123 in reply to amy5891]

Thanks, I think I am realising that I have to put myself in a position where I can handle this alone or without him at least. I will try talking to him again but I don't want to be too over the top and risk pushing him away :s

x

[mummymummy]

Men! So immature! U need to have a few choice words with him has he got a really high pressured job or something? Why does he think he'll be judged? U gotta laugh cos u'd cry! When the baby ia here he won't be able to contain hos excitement! X

[ace123 in reply to mummymummy]

I do not think this job is that high pressure! But maybe I don't have a very good understanding. He is in media and deals with TV play out etc. I really hope you are right about him getting excited about the baby when it is here. I want the baby to have two loving parents, even if he doesn't want to be with me forever

x

[Hidden]

My partner was like this when we 1st found out we were pregnant but after seeing scans and feeling baby kick he changed so much for the bette. Now are daughter is here he hates going to work and leaving us. Hope your boyfriend changes for you

[ace123 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I am really hoping for the same thing. I am getting excited about the baby now, though the way he acts sometimes makes me feel like I shouldn't!

x

[Cheekymonkey85]

I can echo angieste27's post- it was the same for me. Some men just need time. My pregnancy was a huge shock to my oh (and me), but now he loves his little princess loads & can't imagine life without her xx

[ace123 in reply to Cheekymonkey85]

Thanks, when did this change for you? When the baby was born? Did you have to struggle through the pregnancy on your own emotionally? I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones running wild but I'm just finding that there are a lot of sort of intense emotional moments :s

x

[Cheekymonkey85 in reply to ace123]

He was difficult to talk to through quite a lot of it, but I'm fortunate to come from a big family & my friends were fab. It helped that I had a really easy pregnancy too so I didn't really have to struggle through. We have been together 12 years this summer so I know him pretty well. knew how he would behave & was confident he would be ok when it mattered. It didn't start to change until closer to my due date to be honest, then when she was born and he had to leave the hospital because it was late, he phoned to check up on us & called us "his girls"

Your hormones will definitely magnify things quite a lot Hun.

One think I made sure I did was when choosing prams & other bits, I'd show him what I'd chosen/decided on, also didn't make decisions without him- like finding out the sex of baby, so that he didn't feel like I was pushing him out & I was giving him opportunities to become more involved xx

[mummy32015]

Well done on having courage. My child's dad did this and i ignored it, big mistake. My advice will be to be honest and open. Ask him if he really wants to stay. The last thing you need its break up stress ontop of labour. . . If hes not going to be there and support u now, then the same may happen after baby. You need to go over the details and bad parts to find a truth. Then you can move forward. . . Talk to him if u still get no sense then give him options. Just don't ignore it thinking it will go away. X

[ace123 in reply to mummy32015]

Thanks for your reply, I agree with what you say about having an honest chat and discussing the bad parts too but I'm struggling on ways to bring it up… When we have serious discussions, he always just says 'I don't know' … drives me absolutely crazy! How can I communicate with him without him shutting down about it? That is part of what I meant about not being too judgemental… It's just such a sad situation… I have to admit I am a bit jealous of pregnant women who have men who absolutely adore them and want to do everything they can to support them emotionally

x

[Hotdiggitydog]

Can I ask what job does he do?? I don't understand the secretive thing here to do with work! What kind of judgement does he believe he would face? I know some men have problems getting their heads around unexpected pregnancies but that is an odd reaction and I would be really suspicious about him saying that. Definitely talk to him. An open honest conversation is the best way for everything.

[ace123 in reply to Hotdiggitydog]

He's in media - TV playout etc. I'm not sure what he means about the judgement thing either to be honest. I can't believe I'm going to admit this but you may as well know the full story. About 5 months ago he cheated with one of his work colleagues - he told me about it straight away and was very 'sorry'. We have been working through it and we are still working to build trust. I've been trying to work out why he wants to avoid judgement and I thought one of the things might be something to do with that. Though to be honest I think people are more likely to think I got pregnant to keep him or something. Which is absolutely not true - I was in as much shock as he was initially. Sigh… I really want him to just 'man up' … But then I think that you can't force change and maybe he just doesn't want to

x

[Hotdiggitydog in reply to ace123]

If I'm honest, I thought straight away that maybe there was someone he didn't want to know that you were pregnant.....but I didn't want to say that and upset you. My mind just went straight there as I'd seen this happen before. You need to find out what he means by judgement...if it is other people thinking you got pregnant on purpose to keep him then that is their problem and something you guys should be able to overcome. It is nobody else's business at all x

[mummy32015]

Don't be jel, most hide the fact there blokes r the same. I don't have the father in my life at all, or even bothers with his children. The best way to bring it up, is to just say out right. Trust me your never alone, your not the first or last woman to have these problems. I found from experience the shutting down or avoidance is because they too run scared. . Ask his wants and needs, tell him yours. You could both be in the same boat. . But don't wait it out,. Do you think he is wanting to leave you ? You know him best. Trust your gut x

[nrpearson]

I know how you feel and I did a similar post when I first found out I was pregnant. Everyone was really nice and reassured me it would be OK. And although we have had many arguments thoughout my pregnancy and I have told him he can leave if he wants many times. He is still here and is on board with it all now and excited for baby to arrive (due 27/06). I just had to give him time and I do feel like I wasn't supported by him till about 30 weeks pregnant but luckily I had my friends which have been great. Stick in there chat to him if you feel you can but if your getting no where just let him be and give him that option to walk away and if he doesn't then he will get there on his own, if you push them too much it doesn't help. Also even if scans and stuff don't help as it didn't for my oh try not to be too disappointed use your friends and family for the support there not giving you xx

[Queenie89]

Hi ace! I remember you from before hun! So exciting for that first scan! How did it all go? Did the BF go with you an dhow does he feel now?

I have a very loving and supporting husband, we have 2 beautiful girls and he is completely besotted with them. Keeping this in mind... When I was over my due date and given a date to be induced we (naturally) got onto talking about "omg she will be here by the end of this week regardless" as he put into words. He said that you know how much I love our daughter but when you were pregnant with her I had no emotions there and it is the same this time for me. Until she is here and in my arms i make that connection to this little person and cannot believe how much i love them.

What he is getting at is that pregnancy is really different for them than us. We are carrying the baby and feel all the movements etc so grow a bond long before dad does. Once they are here and have that little person in their arms they feel that love as thye have something to love (if that makes sense). I hope he does come round hun and from what I hear, most of them do when baby arrives. Naturally it is hard to deal with in the meantime xx