Looking for ways to support someone with MS

[Liam0405]

I recently was informed by someone that I care about that they have MS. They also informed me that when they have symptoms they often disappear for weeks at a time due to not wanting to be seen or helped. I feel bad as we are just getting to know each other and I really care for this person. I want to know if there any ways I can provide support and what should I do to know let her know that I am here and that I care.

[DM0329]

I'm sure other people will chime in soon, but I would just tell her that you care about her and that you are willing and able to help her in any way that she feels comfortable. Letting the person know that you care and that you are willing to provide help IF they ask or need it.

Sometimes people aren't ready to ask, so just say that you're there for her when she needs it will mean a lot. Then, simply check in on her, don't rush it, let it evolve. You are there when she needs you!

Blessings to you and her! 😇🙏🙂🤞😽

[Liam0405 in reply to DM0329]

Thank you for the advice. She says she self-sabotages and pushes people away so I am trying to respect her boundaries. I also have been doing so much research and she hated it. Not sure what to do but I am here.

[kdali]

It might make you crazy if you are a fixer or a helper, but sometimes the best support, if this is what they are telling you they need to do, is time and space. It isn't because of you, it's because they are most comfortable dealing with the MS beating alone. You can check in and see if they want food or company, but don't take it hard if they say no. The lows don't last forever, but it is something that they have to go through.

[Liam0405 in reply to kdali]

Thank you. I truly appreciate you taking your time to respond and I appreciate the kind words.

[NorasMom]

I'm with the others on this. For me, email is the way I prefer contact with most people. Phone calls are difficult, texts are a nuisance, and please God don't show up on my doorstep unexpectedly.

However, it's very nice that you want to help. When you are in contact with them, let them know what real things you're willing to do. "Hey, I'm going to Walmart this afternoon. Do you need me to pick up anything for you?" "I find myself with some free time this afternoon. Could I mow your grass?" Depending on their needs, they might just find comfort in knowing that you're thinking about them. If they tell you that they need a few days alone, give them that.

The biggest thing, I'd say, is to not baby them or treat them like they've become mentally challenged. Don't treat them like they're fragile. Don't check up on them constantly if they've said they're okay and need some alone time. Don't insist that they NEED help or HAVE to do this or that. When you're with them, don't make any comments about their cane/wheelchair/rollator that you wouldn't make about someone's glasses.

[Liam0405 in reply to NorasMom]

😁 Thank you so much. I am working on respecting her space and privacy and trying my best not to let my feelings get in the way. She truly is a great person and she motivates me to be better every day even when she is not feeling her best. She is slowly opening up to me little by little though so I am grateful for that. I pray for her too, In life I feel like everyone needs someone no matter what... We as a people would be better collaboratively.

[Helpmeup]

Kudos to you for even asking the question! I agree with the other posts. Let her know you are there to help or listen or run an errand, but don't push it. I can tell you from experience that asking for help, especially in the beginning, is hard. Just knowing she has you to call on will mean a lot. Do not take her "disappearing" personally. M.S. can throw a lot of stuff at us and it's a long, slow process to deal with all the overwhelming emotions that come with getting diagnosed with a chronic, incurable disease. Give her time and space and see where it goes. If you have any specific questions, please post and we will respond. All the best.

[Liam0405 in reply to Helpmeup]

😀 My heart is so filled with love! I am so blessed to have all of you I am truly thankful for all of you deeply. Thank you for your time and efforts to even respond it is truly amazing. God Bless !

[Kit10]

Some advice I once heard - give them a few cards each worth an hour's help. They can then exchange them for what they want when they want. You can give them more when they've used them all.

[Liam0405 in reply to Kit10]

Explain more.... I would like to try this. Thank you for responding.

[Kit10 in reply to Liam0405]

I think the idea was to give Xmas or birthday presents of say 6 little cards with the message "This card is for 1 hour of my time" - they can exchange it when they chose for whatever they choose. The idea is you've given the cards so you've given them the time so they're not asking for a favour but claiming something you've already agreed to give.

You could put on the cards something like "1 hour of my time on Sunday afternoon or Wednesday evening" if you are busy.

[ahrogers]

As mentioned I second the idea of dropping off or having food delivered to her. That way she doesn't feel like she has to keep someone company during a meal.When our periods of fatigue are at their worst everything seems like so much more work than they are worth, even visiting with people we care about.

I suggest during the periods she feels well enough to socialize to jump on the chance to do activities with her she likes. I am not sure what her level of disability is, but that will dictate activity options. I still like to go on short hikes. Now, they just have to be on easy even trails, use a walking stick and take breaks along the way. Maybe she likes going to movies, concerts, the symphony. I wish I took more advantage of my abilities the first 5 years of this journey when things weren't as difficult! If only I knew exactly how it was going to feel to have to consider how much walking was involved in an activity before deciding if it was worth it.

Just have patience and occasionally check in for now.

[Liam0405 in reply to ahrogers]

Yes, she tells me she travels a lot, she goes to the bar with friends on the weekends occasionally. I mean we are still getting to know each other right now so its hard to tell.

[Squirrel1270]

Have to agree with what others are saying but just letting her know that you're there if she needs you and stepping back when asked to might be the best thing you can do. It's hard, I know that. I'm the same way. My wife has issues and I want to be there to help her every step of the way but there are times when she just wants to deal with them on her own. I let her know I'm there if she needs me, anytime, with anything she might need.

[Liam0405 in reply to Squirrel1270]

yeah she does not want me to discuss it at all of to even talk about it. I am trying to explain to her that I am just looking for outlets to know how to support her but she does not want me to even discuss it. It is very hard.

[GreatDanekids]

My daughter lives out of state and has sent “Spoonful of Comfort” packages when she knows I’m having a bad time. They are pricey, but the quality and taste is amazing. She always adds some cozy socks with a message on them. It really does make me feel cared for.

[NorasMom in reply to GreatDanekids]

I hadn't thought about something like this, but back when I was going through an ugly divorce, one of my aunts (who'd been through it) sent me a care package with a homemade afghan, pretty bathrobe, fancy tea cup, and some chocolate. It was completely unexpected and absolutely lovely to receive.

[Liam0405 in reply to GreatDanekids]

thanks for the advice. It is greatly appreciated.

[mrsmike9]

I would let her read what you just wrote! It's lovely that you are reaching out to find out how to be supportive. (More than my husband did...)

[Liam0405 in reply to mrsmike9]

Yeah, I tried that and she went off on me 😔 she doesn't want me to research or seek support and also told me this is why she doesn't tell anyone. I am sure everyone handles things everything different

[mrsmike9 in reply to Liam0405]

Awwww I'm sorry...

[Liam0405 in reply to mrsmike9]

its ok. I am still proud of myself for having the capacity to care in a world that is often so cold.

[mrsmike9 in reply to Liam0405]

I'm glad you look at it like that.

[Panda52]

I like to mail a Thinking of You card to someone who is confined-either by choice or necessity. There is something special about receiving an actual card rather a text or email.