Hello everyone, First Post.
This is a long one so bear with me. Felt like I was in high school all over again writing some sort of essay.
I finally decided to take the time of writing my journey dealing MS that so many have you have already shared and it was only right for me to do so since reading all your journeys has helped me along the way living with it. I was officially diagnosed in Aug 2021 with None Progressive Relapsing MS even though I had my first MS symptoms in July 2020. For me it started with double vision. At first I though I probably drank too much the night before but when it didn't go away after a day... then a day became a week...week turn to a month...something was wrong and I had to talk to a doctor (clearly waited too long). During the time my double vision went away only when I closed one eye (had to tape one side of sunglasses to drive). Driving though through a narrow street became a challenge if attempting to drive with both eyes (left and right sight became intertwin and until I closed one eye it went away).Experience some vertigo as well. During the first few months of doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me (couple of MRI and CAT scans to help with the results). My double vision started to go away by the time I got to see the ophthalmology doctor but before that I had already seen a Neurologist and a ophthalmologist (left eye was not the same)(had to start wearing glasses)(glasses are cool though). Neurologist had seen some swelling in my brain but I guess it was not conclusive. Ophthalmology doctor didn't understand why either so it almost felt like it was just a one time ordeal but had mentioned MS. During this whole time I tried to self diagnosed using the internet. I had came to narrow it down to two things. Diabetic or MS. But my double vision was gone and then I didn't put much though to it even though it was there in the back of my mind lingering. 6 months almost had passed when my double vision reappeared. This time though didn't wait long to go to the doctor. Ophthalmologist had told me to come to her if my symptoms reappeared and so I did. From there on is when the real fun began. Countless of MRI scans, Bloodwork, doctors appointments that by the time it was done my vision came back to normal... (shorter amount of time this time around less then a month compared to the first that lasted 2 months at least).
Even though my vision had gone back to normal there was something different this time. I didn't feel the same...started to feel more anxious then normal. Felt tired all the time. Sometimes felt like time was passing me by. Legs felt heavy to the point I felt like I was always trying to catch my breath (needed to get in shape that's for sure). Had trouble sleeping. So at this point I already had accepted that this was probably MS...all signs pointed to it . All the doctors I seen mentioned it but they could say it and the blood results that I could I understand mentioned to it. So a month before my official diagnosis visit with my MS doctor was when I really got hit from MS telling me that its with me. It started with numbness in my left leg. At this point I kind had read a little bit about this symptom being common but it was my first experience. Eventually the numbness from my left leg went to my right leg. Couldn't feel much but i could still walk. Eventually that numbness became hot (the hot part of ICY-HOT cream for muscles just more extreme). From one leg to another to what I thought to myself was a symptom that would pass just like my double vision (seating on cold toilet seats was a plus when having hot legs and butt). But this would not go away like the double vision went away. This would go away leaving me with the thought of wanting to die.
July 4th 2021 was the day I wont forget. My legs at this time numb and hot started to feel a little different. They started to get worse. I'm not sure if it was the pain or just an unknow confusion of it creeping on me that left me perplexed on what to do. I went to sleep thinking I could sleep it off and all I needed was some rest but it didn't. I started to feel a pain if have never felt before in my life. My legs felt like they were being squeezed from the core of my bones. I cried silently in pain waiting for to be over but it wouldn't. I wanted to die right there and then so I wouldn't have to go through this pain and not deal of what scars it left behind, if it ever went away. Not sure how long the pain lasted...memory is fuzzy on how long but I didn't sleep that day. The pain was gone, hot legs were gone, eventually the numbness in time so went away. I have MS and now for sure I knew that I had it now but it wasn't until I meet with my MS doctor and hearing it from a professional that I have it. I felt relief. Relief of finally knowing what was wrong with me. Knowing why I didn't feel like myself and it was not just me going crazy... I had finally have answers. MRI showed signs of MS in my brain...when seeing the scars on my brain I took it like looking at white stars in the blackness of everything around it at first(brain matter) but this was not something too look in awe but something that was meant not to be there but there it was. Physical test were run and so other things were discovered. Besides my sight issue and my way of not being my self I had issues with balance (couldn't do heel to toe)(Told the doctor hopefully I don't get pulled over by the cops)(Got a good laugh). Would get dizzy from opening my eyes after certain actions and my knee reactions were so hyper reactive with the test hammer I'm surprised I didn't accidently hurt the doctor. Eventually after talking with the doctor about MS which I might add at the time felt like I was being bombard with excessive amount of Info; it was decided that I would go on Rituxan. Eventually I had to go through many other rounds of fun time of testing and bloodwork before my infusion treatment started. I want to add that the spinal tap procedure after effects suck really bad (didn't do the bloodpatch ... .just tough it out).
So I got to say that I was taking this news okay at the time and had accepted what I had. Started to make some life style changes (I cried a little when one of brothers texted me to eat start eating more salmon to help with the lack of vitamin D not sure why I cried but I did). Was trying to learn as much as I could about MS along with the help with some family members that I inform of what I had. But eventually I hit a moment that I didn't want to learn anything about it. Didn't want to see other people with MS. I became almost not willing to want to hear about it but it became impossible. I started to hear it on TV or see on some website or on random moments. My brother told me that I became more self aware and told me to look for therapy or a forum for guidance (his a Marine Vet. 2 tours in Iraq). So I eventually I took the time to look for forums which are many and hard to find one that is active. I eventually found this one in 2021 and seen some very active members. Everyone with different challenges but almost same beginnings. But for some reason I couldn't post and I didn't know why until I read something someone posted around December. This person said that they felt guilty posting because his symptoms were not as bad as the others. And another person replied and mentioned that you shouldn't feel guilty. Reading that change my life in more ways then one. I too was feeling guilty and I was not alone. I have MS but I had a hard time saying that I have it to others when there was people struggling with it more. But reading someone that has it as well say "don't feel guilty" really was profound moment in this journey of mine.
After reading that post I came out of this shell I put myself in of not wanting know about it to finally seeing videos and reading more about it. Gone already through my 1st treatment and the 2nd one coming up in March of this year. I could do heel to toe now. Been running on the treadmill and weight lifting almost everyday. Added Salmon to my diet 
. Vitamins. Almost one year of no alcohol. Sleep better with the help of some CBD/melatonin. Though eye sight is not the same I have glasses for that. Once in while would still deal with some dizziness, eye issues, anxiety, light headaches, migraines, slight depression. Even with those symptoms I have learned to adapt and power through it. Mental power is a powerful thing (even though the issue is my brain).
I know. This is finally the end of this long chapter of my story. Thanks for sticking with me and reading this long e"ssa"y I wrote. I want to thank you guys for taking the time to read this. Thank you guys for sharing your life on this forum it has helped me a lot. (excuse me on the spellchecking, grammar, run of sentences, long paragraphs) (didn't do much proof reading).
This is my \" MS month.
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