My husband of 42 years is very sick. He has an infection in his heart internal bleeding they cannot locate, he will be getting a double aortic bypass, and aortic valve replacement. He has uncontrollable type 2 diabetes, Parkinson’s disease. He’s a terrible patient. I’m trying to help him he’s too much. I’m selfishly afraid of a relapse. His awful predicament was well earned and he knows that. How do I help him and keep me safe? Is it possible? I feel like a terrible human, I’ve been so angry with him. He refused angioplasty 2 years ago, they just did one and found all these issues only open heart surgery can resolve. How can I sop being angry and so damn terrified without losing my mind. I walk every day it’s my savior. I cry alone all the time. I tried online therapy I hated it.
His broken heart: My husband of 42 years... - My MSAA Community
His broken heart
I am so sorry. All I can offer is to vent to us here. Sometimes it helps just talking to strangers.
yup, diabetics are horrible patients as a rule. for some reason they think insulin is a catch all without any consequences. *sigh. my dad was diabetic, had parkinson's. you might relate to this. after suffering a heart attack, when the dr. came to check on him, he turned to my mum and asked her to get him a burger and onion rings.😱 wt actual f?🤬
i kept telling my mum she had to take care of herself first. dunno if you're a member of any support organisations for carers, but the saying goes something like, 'if you break down, who'll take care of the sick person?' it's sad so many of you have to come at it that way to take care of yourselves. you deserve to be as well as possible and he's hurting you with all this stress.
yes, he's facing an emergency situation, but neither of you is well. it shouldn't be all on you to make sure he looks after himself. even with the limitations of parkinson's, there are things he can do, choices he can make for himself to keep as strong and healthy as possible. i don't know if he has dementia, but at some point my mum had to get legal control of his affairs or he wouldn't have lived as long as he did.
men tend to be selfish (my opinion, everyone calm down😜), sick men are nightmares. make sure you take care of yourself. is it possible the therapist you got was a dud? i've been doing online therapy and i really like it, but i really like and respect my therapist. she doesn't give me namby pamby nonsense and expect me to act like it applies to my horrible health and living situation.
and venting is great!🤗
Wow you nailed so many of the issues I’m experiencing. He called me from hospital after finding all this heart damage asking me to send him grubhub Italian sub. Are you F’ing kidding me, he was serious and angry. I want to run from him live alone take care of just me. My survivor instinct, but he’s my husband the father of my children and grandfather what type of woman walks away from a sick man. I told him I will support him, healthy lifestyle, cooking, exercise I am in. But GDamnit if he goes back to his old ways I will leave. So tell me is it possible to be in the middle of a disaster and not relapse? So far I feel ok, I cry all the time and I am not a cryer but it helps. My eldest daughter thinks I’m on the edge of a breakdown, but I don’t feel like that. It’s like I am autopilot and trying to help him like I haven’t in a long time. Peace I just want peace. Drs checking in on me ask have you thought of hurting yourself I honestly answer no. But what I don’t say is I’ve been thinking how much easier it would be if I wasn’t here.
My aunt's husband developed some kind of mental health illness, I don't remember what it was. I was really little at the time. She took care of him by herself for years. But then her own health started deteriorating and she was unwilling to admit that she couldn't take care of herself and her husband. Her final straw happened when we were at their house visiting. We were all watching the Miss America pageant. My mother and my aunt didn't like each other much. This aunt was my dad's older sister. But one thing they agreed on was they hated beauty pageants and how they objectify women. My uncle wanted to watch it and would have thrown a major temper tantrum if anyone dared change the channel. During the swimsuit portion of the contest my aunt asked why they always had to wear such skimpy suits. My mom made a comment to that saying they might as well be wearing their birthday suits as there wasn't much difference anyway. Immediately after my mom said that my uncle stood up from the recliner he was sitting in, dropped his drawers and defecated right there on the floor. Pulled his pants back up and sat right back down as though nothing happened. My aunt went off on him. That was her last straw. She put him in some kind of nursing home and he stayed there the rest of his life. She went to visit him almost everyday but my sister and I were not allowed in the building as we were too little. Children under 12 weren't allowed in. He died before I was 12, so I never saw him again. My aunt's health improved a lot after she put him in that home. She was about 90 when she died, but I don't think she would have made it to 70 if she had continued trying to take care of her own health issues and her husband's. You are not a terrible wife or woman if you make your own health a priority. He may need a care giver 24/7 but that caregiver doesn't have to be you.
🤗i'm so sorry. you sound like my mum just before my father went into a care home. i'd find her staring off into space, tears flowing and have to shout at her to snap her out of it. or she'd reach her breaking point and just start yelling. i'd have to get her out of the room b/c i knew once she calmed down she'd feel guilty. it's good for no one.
maybe you can take little breaks from him. you have children and grandchildren, which implies there are other adults who love him. is it possible for someone to come over for the weekend and you go to a hotel, or do a home swap, something so you can relax, not always be at his beck and call?
even if it's just a day, once i convinced my mum to do it, she loved it. sometimes she'd just go drive for a few hours while i sat with him.
oh yeah, the italian sub. ridiculous! i once went to visit my dad after another heart episode to find him eating dinner. except he skipped dinner and was eating a piece of cake, so i took it and threw it in the bin. he didn't say a word b/c he knew he'd have to wait until i left if he planned on getting any junk food. smh
it took a decade, but i got my mum to talk to her dr about depression and the anti-depressant helped, though i think therapy would've helped more. please seek help. you shouldn't have to feel as badly as you do. even though it's a horrendous situation, you don't have to feel as badly as you do. there's help.
and keep venting!❤️
Peruzzot spot on. for a while, my mum had people (C.N.T. i think they were called) come to the house a few hours a day, but it was super expensive and they weren't very professional or qualified. one of them gave him c. diff. it was untenable. before he moved to the care home, she'd lift him and she hurt herself very badly. all this b/c he didn't want to sleep in a bed with rails on. at some point, you have to put your health first b/c without you, who will fight for him?
Saying prayers for your strength 🙏
🙏 for strength for both of you , blessings Jimeka 🤗
Prayers going up 🙏🏼
I'm so sorry! 🙏🙏🙏 You're not a horrible human, nor selfish for worrying about the impacts of a terrifying experience on your health.
Prayers are with you and your family 🙏🙏🙏👍🏼😉🐾🐾
wow you are under a lot of stress wow ..have you talked to your doctor about what is going on ...i bet they could get you some help with him or talk to the MS society maybe they could help ...you really need some one to help you ...many prayers and blessings ...love and some needed happiness in your life,,,
🙏🙏🙏
You know, prayers can help, but you need an actual person to help you through all this! Do any of your family members live close by to help alleviate the day to day dealings? Just helping in the decision making and laying down the law to your husband with you would help. If not, then ask at the hospital if they have social workers who could assist you. I will try to wrench more ideas from my brain. Sending hugs and warm thoughts. 🤗🤗
My prayers are with you. God will continue to give you strength and comfort as you seek him🙏🏾
First of all, take care of you. You are important. You are valued for who you are. You can be of no help or comfort to your husband if you work yourself into a relapse or are consumed by anxiety and anger.
Do you have a friend nearby --trusted and supportive, a good listener? Someone to walk with? Someone to meet with for coffee or lunch? You don't need advice or judgment.
If I were nearby, I'd bake some cookies, brew a pot of coffee or tea and say come over. Sit down, Let it all out...I'd just listen and care about you. At a time like this in a friend's life, it is our responsibility to support in non-intrusive, non-judgmental ways. If I were nearby, you could count on me. Reach out to that person in your life.
So far two friends in the past week have reached out and we’ve gone fir a walk. The weather has been kind. I will say both outings were so needed. I will keep trying, New England has snow in our forecast which hampers my walks come on spring. Thank you all for your kind words prayers and ideas greatly appreciated.
I don’t know, but I agree with venting to us on here. I Am So SORRY!
I am so sorry for the shitshow that you are living in right now. I agree with those who have urged you to reach out to a trusted friend or family member if you have that. You need to have a serious talk with your hubby about how his refusal to take care of himself is a choice. Explain that Choosing this behavior is choosing the results. Let him know that the results to your health can be just as devastating. Also please consider having your husband evaluated for dementia. You need to rule out a damaged brain making him unable to understand the seriousness of the situation. Please do not feel selfish for worrying about a relapse. It is All of our biggest fear(I believe). How will you take care of him if you are struggling to care for yourself? You are not selfish at all. I will be sending you positive thoughts. Keep venting here all you like, we can take it!❤
Sending up prayers for strength for you and healing for your husband.
Your feelings are important to express. I understand.
Hi NanaCC. Sometimes it is ok to cry alone but not all the time. First of all, you can only do what you can do. That sounds pretty simple and maybe even dumb to say but think about it… You can push yourself but look at the recipient in this case. Have to do what’s best for you first because giving it all to someone else especially if they’re not taking advantage of that assistance it’s only going to continue to further drain you. The end result is going to be negative for both of you. You have to make yourself strong as you can be mentally and physically and do the best you can to assist advise guide and love those that matter to you. Since you can’t force others to change you have to acknowledge that you’re giving the best effort you can despite the success on the other persons actions. Take care of you!! And anytime you wanna cry with someone else, I’m always good for that 
So sorry you are going thru this You have to take care of yourself first in order to help him You are NOT a terrible person
I am sorry you have to go through all of that but that's what we do as wives, mothers & daughters. You really do need to take care of yourself first or you won't be around to take care of him. Most men don't make very good patients/ I have had to learn to just "let go & let God." My husband had a quad bypass & his colon ruptured 2 days into recovery. It took 3 more days to find out what was wrong. By then he was septic when they did the surgery. He was in ICU for 28 days. He didn't want to follow the Dr's orders after he came home. I was calm during the whole surgery & ICU thing, I didn't worry cuz I knew he was in God's hands. I had our beauty school to run & there was nothing I could do but pray. A year later he needed hernia surgery. All went well until the night before he was to come home. The anesthesiologist didn't come in but gave orders to the nurse to let the pain meds run out. But she took that as open the valve and let it run free flow like the regular IV. He coded at 1:15 am. I couldn't get to the hospital as it was 2 hrs away & I had to be at our beauty school to get it open or we would have lost the school. So I called his Mom & she went to be with him. They did get him back but he had Compartmental Syndrome which is where all the organs are pushed up into the chest cavity. Again he wouldn't listen to the Dr's orders. I just kept praying that God would help him see what he is going to himself. His health isn't my responsibility. I am there for him when he needs me and I'm here for him & let him know I love him. I started out with the anger that you described & knew that I couldn't keep going in that direction or we would both be dead. Even my pastor was surprised at how calm I was when he had the hernia surgery. When he commented on it I said "what can I do right now but pray? Anything else would be a waste of energy that I can't afford to waste with having MS." He agreed & said I had a better understanding of "letting go & letting God" than most people do. But it does help me keep my sanity & my health. My prayer for you is that you can have the Peach of Jesus that I have.
Letting go and letting god I will say that like I say the serenity prayer which I’ve been saying over and over these days. Seriously I feel better just saying it. March 23 is the big surgery date. Thank you and god bless
Will be praying for both of you.
I am sorry for your predicament. Maybe you helping find a safe and helpful place is the help he needs from you
It’s hard to take care of someone when they don’t want that help, NanaCC Please do what you can do, but take care of yourself first. You can only do so much, and don’t beat yourself up over what you did or didn’t do. I am sending you gentle vHugs. Take care of yourself, please?
#1 is that you can't help him at all unless you make sure you are well. In an airplane you put on your mask before you help someone else. So take care of yourself! I think all you can do is be as emotionally supportive as you can and let the doctors do what they can. It's so hard. You all know I'm worried about my husband as his health started declining. I encourage him and pray for him and let the doctors do what they can. Best wishes for both of you.
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