Question about texting

[JackieZW]

My friend has been suffering from OCD since more than four years ago, and he rarely replies texts in time because, as he explained: he fears of being triggered by any unexpected information.

This year, he is studying in a college far from mine, so I can not visit him often, and find that he may be experiencing higher level of stress, because he has not yet replied to my text for more than two weeks. A longer time than usual.

Since I know that he is going to take the mid-term exams next week, I guess he has to concentrate on the preparation. But I'm wondering if individuals with OCD may avoid replying texts like this, not only because of the fear of being triggered, but also because they have to keep focused on something important, like the mid term?

About two weeks ago, this friend disclosed that he was isolating himself in the single-room dorm because of OCD, but he realized this decision also aggravated his depressive symptoms. So I also contact his parents who are now with him, but they know little about what's going through with my friend at this time (I guess my friend's OCD symptoms are related to some inappropriate parenting methods in the early years, so he rarely talks to them).

I am worried but truly want to help...but I can't really figure out, if he doesn't reply, should I continue to text to him (will this add to his stress)? If not, anything else can I do?

[deValentin]

You're right. People suffering from OCD often use trigger avoidance as a desperate and often futile attempt to keep their OCD episodes under control and therefore maintain somewhat their abilities to focus on work or studies. The downside is that that strategy restricts greatly their lives. Furthermore, it's not sustainable.

What can you do about it? Unfortunately not much if the other person breaks down all forms of communication with you. Personally, I would hesitate to persist sending him texts for fear of seeing my persistence being perceived as harassment.

I doubt that OCD is transmitted to children through inapppropriate parenting methods. However, research shows some psychological predispositions to OCD may be genetically transmitted. In other words, OCD tends to run in families.

[JackieZW in reply to deValentin]

Thank you for the reply! I indeed have stopped texting him since his did not reply 2 weeks ago, trying to wait after his mid-term week to see there's any other things I can do.

[deValentin in reply to JackieZW]

You're welcome. I think it's a wise decision. When we're uncertain about the future often the best thing to do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst, that is, in your case, be open to the possibility your friend's OCD is impairing his ability to communicate with others and function normally in life. To ask him how his mid-term exams went may be a good reason to text him again.

[IStillHaveHope]

It is very common for people with OCD to avoid the things that trigger their symptoms. Unfortunately though this only makes the OCD stronger. What your friend is going through sounds like text book untreated OCD. What he really needs is to seek treatment. This is typically done through a combination of medicine and therapy. The medicine reduces the anxiety and allows for you to begin Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. In ERP you will gradually face what triggers you. It basically rewires your brain to not interpret the triggers as threatening. It is not easy (especially when starting) but is proven to reduce the intensity and frequency of the OCD events.

If you're friend is in an OCD spiral, he probably feels like he is in hell. I don't mean that as a euphemism either. IMO if there is a hell it can't be much worse than what a full blown OCD attack feels like. Unfortunately, the fear can inhibit people from actually seeking treatment. Ultimately he needs to make the decision to get help. No one can do that for him.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible to treat or appease his OCD. IMO the best thing you can do is treat him like a regular person. Giving into any of his demands to appease his OCD won't help him in the long run. That doesn't mean that you can't show him compassion and try to understand. The IOCDF has some info for family members of those who have OCD and what you can do to help. Maybe that will be useful:

iocdf.org/families/

Dealing with someone with OCD can be extremely difficult. I know in the past that is why I've tried to hide it. People would say they understand and want to help, but became overwhelmed when I really tried to open up to them. This is why it requires professional help.

I hope I didn't scare or alarm you with any of this. Just trying to state the truth. The good news is that OCD is highly treatable and it is possible to live a long, happy, and productive life with it. There are literally millions of people out there who want (and can) help. Your friend just needs to reach out.

[JackieZW in reply to IStillHaveHope]

Thank you for the reply! I think I can understand your alarm, to some extent. My friend's symptoms are quire complicated. Besides some of those he did not disclose to me, some other ones indeed scared me for a while, because he had also demonstrated some harm/attack OCD symptoms. He once said his unwanted sexual thought to me, which took me about one year to self-learn related OCD intrusive thoughts, for the purpose of making sure that I would not do any wrong move and would protect our friendship. But I guess OCD has tortured him so much that he's not willing to receive any CBT/ERP.

Although he almost refuses to talk to his parents about what he's going through, I know he wants help, so I think I should still wait for any chance that I may try to persuade him to do so. Thank you again for the information!

[IStillHaveHope in reply to JackieZW]

Sorry - for some reason I didn't see this reply. You are right about OCD being complex. From our current understanding, it is likely a combination of brain chemistry imbalance and our beliefs about the world and ourselves. That is why it can be so difficult to treat and why recovery is different for each person. It might be a good idea to refer your friend to this site, or something like it. Hearing from people who have the same issues he does may help him to open up and not feel like he is so alone.

I really hope he reaches out. Having a name for the thing that tortured me and finding out that there were so many people out there who suffered the same made me not feel so alone and was a huge step in my recovery. I wish you and your friend the best.