So the appointment with the OCD specialist is tomorrow, it wasn't easy getting this appointment, but I'm really scared.
Past couple of weeks, I feel like the obsessions were alot quieter and I also had some success in not doing compulsions. I'm afraid that when I go tomorrow, by talking abt my obsessions it will retrigger them and derail all my progress. This has happened in the past before, where I find myself getting worse when I go to therapy. Past month or so I didn't go for therapy and it seems btr now.
I also feel like I've learnt whatever I needed to from my previous therapist who also treated OCD.
Should I just not go then? But I'm so afraid if I miss this appmt, what if the obsessions come back maybe in a few days, or wks, and then it's so hard to get an appmt again.
But I'm so afraid of unnecessarily triggering the obsessions and feel so awful again
Secondly, even if it doesn't trigger, because I have the worry that it will, I'm worried that my mind will keep checking the presence of these obsessions after the appmt, inadvertently making the obsessions louder again.
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lavender514
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I understand your dilemma. If you cancel your appointment, you may miss a chance to get better, and it's so hard to get a new appointment. If you keep your appointment you are afraid you may re-enter an OCD loop at a time when you're feeling better. It's a tough choice, especially when you have psychological predispositions to OCD. There is no perfect solution. There are pros and cons on both sides.
It may be best to look at the big picture, and decide what kind of life you want to live, one week, one month, or one year from now. If you decide that and strive towards that goal one step at the time, it won't matter as much if you make mistakes once in a while as long as you make the best decisions possible after a reasonable amount of time and given the information available at the time. By lowering the stakes and boosting your self-confidence, you make it easier to make up your mind when things aren't absolutely clear, which happens quite a lot in life. It's at least my experience.
“People who insist on seeing with perfect clearness before they decide, never decide”. (Henri-Frédéric Amiel)
I’m hoping that you kept the appointment with the OCD specialist because it sounds like OCD has the upper hand. Avoiding things that trigger OCD obsessions is a type of compulsion. The avoidance is telling your brain that you can’t handle the trigger or its associated distress. It’s a run and hide strategy that gives the intrusive thoughts meaning and reinforces the obsessions. OCD is still in the driver’s seat if you’re trying to avoid triggers. Avoidance is a common compulsion that is often overlooked.
hi natureloverpeace, yes I did go in the end. and it went okay! Got referred to join an intensive ocd treatment programe, but the same fears are creeping in - which is if I feel okay now, going for the treatment will just aggravate and bring up the obsessions. so i've just been worrying about that past few days. but it was hard to join this programme, if i miss this, im not sure when i could join this again.
I’m glad you went ahead with the appointment despite the fear. Good job! OCD loves to try to convince us that we can’t handle distress or things that may trigger it so we do compulsions, avoidance can be one of them, to negate the distress. Distress can be very uncomfortable but you can tolerate it to get past the lies OCD is feeding you. This can be done in small, manageable steps. Treatment is hard work but recovery is worth it. The saying “no pain, no gain” fits here. OCD is an insatiable beast. The more you do what it demands, the more it will take. The OCD gets stronger and your world gets smaller. Judging how we’re doing by how we feel can be misleading and inaccurate. You deserve to kick OCD out of the driver’s seat and put yourself in that seat instead.
thank you. Yes, my next appmt is next Tues, and again I feel the constant dread and worry past couple of days. Am trying to just sit through it, but it's so so uncomfortable.
It also can be really hard to tell when it is me or my OCD talking
Understandable, it’s natural to want to avoid that which we dread and makes us anxious. A skilled OCD specialist will give you plenty of psychoeducation on OCD’s playbook before beginning ERP. An understanding of how OCD operates will help you to recognize its tricks and recognize the difference between the OCD bully/dictator/scam artist’s voice and yours. The ERP part itself should be done in SMALL MANAGEABLE STEPS. Maybe between now and Tuesday you can watch some OCD Stories podcasts for some motivation to hang in there despite the anxiety and uncertainty.
I hope you go and found out if the therapist is an excellent fit. Then if you decide you don't need continuous therapy right now, you will have a therapist that you have already met to see later.
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