Hi all,
I am 26 years old, and I often experience intrusive thoughts that pop into my mind. These thoughts are stressful and illogical. Let me share some history about my condition:
Year 2019–2020:
I developed a habit (perhaps OCD?) of checking doors and windows repeatedly—sometimes more than 50 times a day. I would take photos of locked doors and windows to recheck them later, often taking more than 10 photos of the same door or window.
In addition, I had doubts about various belongings, such as my phone, watch, or anything I cared about. My brain would convince me that these items weren’t actually mine. To cope, I started writing my name on nearly everything in my house—my phone, watch, laptop, keyboard, clothes, and even the front door.
I also developed a fear that someone might be spying on my devices. Because of this, I frequently reset my phone and laptop multiple times a week. During this period, I experienced intrusive thoughts that I had done something terrible (I can’t write it here) to a neighbor. This led me to constantly recheck and ensure there was no chance of such a thing happening. My brain felt trapped in an endless loop of rechecking.
Year 2020–2021:
During the COVID-19 pandemic, my (OCD?) symptoms became worse. Intrusive thoughts plagued me even more frequently. My brain convinced me that I had contracted HIV. I developed an extreme fear of blades or injections that might contain someone else’s blood.
For example, when I went to a salon for a haircut, my brain would tell me that the blade—despite clearly being new—might have been used before and could contain HIV. In addition to HIV fears, I also developed a fear of the rabies virus.
At this time, my habit of resetting my phone became even worse. If someone touched my phone for just a few seconds, my brain would convince me they had installed spyware on it, even though I knew people around me lacked knowledge of such things. I also became obsessed with the idea of losing an SD card containing personal photos, despite the fact that I never used an SD card in my phone.
If someone entered my room, I would have a panic attack, fearing I might have done something bad to them. My brain would get stuck in loops of rechecking and seeking reassurance.
Year 2022–2023:
I moved into a university hostel and started living with friends. During this time, my door-checking and intrusive thoughts significantly decreased. However, I still harbored a lingering fear of HIV.
Year 2024 (mid to present):
Currently, I no longer have a door-checking habit, thanks to living with friends. However, I still have the habit of writing my name on everything, especially on new gadgets or items I value, out of fear of losing them. I also take photos of everything to reassure myself later if my brain gets triggered.
Over the past two months, intrusive thoughts have resurfaced. I often get confused about whether these thoughts are real. For instance, an intrusive thought convinced me I had lost a signed bank cheque, even though I know I didn’t. Despite knowing this, I spent many days obsessing over whether I had truly lost it and what terrible consequences might follow.
If a dog runs past me, I get confused and worry that it may have scratched me. I spend all day checking my body for scratches. I even got vaccinated for rabies because of such intrusive thoughts.
I have a fear of syringes, as my intrusive thoughts suggest they may have been reused and could contain HIV or other harmful viruses.
When I spend all day trying to recall events to address intrusive thoughts, my memory becomes distorted, and I lose details about the event. It feels like my brain is trying to create false memories.
I haven’t visited a doctor yet. As a student without an income, I can’t afford it, and I feel unable to share my condition with anyone. I worry that no one would understand except someone who has experienced this themselves.
Sometimes I get confused that my mobile isn't mind, I may exchanged with someone else, I may lost my phone, someone may get access to my phone. There are so many stressing thought pop up on my mind.
Sometimes I feel death is more comfortable than What I am going through...!
Can anyone tell me what condition I might have? What is happening with my brain? Please assure me. Give me hope.
My writing may not be great, so please forgive me for that.
Thank you so much for your time.
Addition: Few weeks ago I visited to a office. It takes me 1 minutes to finish my work in the office. I just receive a document from the staff. After leaving the office a thought pop up on my mind that, "I may hurt the staff and this is recorded on cctv. And I may be insulted in future for this." But I know that I never didn't do this. This is impossible to do in 1 minutes. I have remember all details of that 1 minutes. And repeatedly thinking that event on mind whole days. But It gives me distress. I got fear. After few weeks of obsession I visit that office again, I talk to the staff. I notice that every thing is okay. I got relax for few hours. But Again I got same intrusive though. I am lost......................................................................
Is it true or not true?
New member: My OCD story
therapist and psychiatrist keeps mentioning antipsychotics for treatment and is driving me insane.
Checking behaviours
