Don’t know what to do!!

[Tara178]

I currently have my adult son living with me. He has OCD and will not seek help. It is now getting to the stage where he is upsetting me daily and I end up crying for hours. My health is suffering really bad from all this stress and anxiety. My blood pressure is getting worse. I feel so helpless and alone and really don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I know he is aware he has a problem but will not admit it openly. I am feeling so low and upset . Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thank you

[LiveOutLove_22]

Hey I'm sorry both you and your son are going through this. My mom and I recently went through the same thing you guys are going through. There would be days where i woudln't leave my room or want to talk to anyone and I would just sit and cry or just be angry at the world. I used to lie to my mom about taking my medicine the doctor perscribed to me. I thought I can handle this without medication. I hit rock bottom in December, I'm pretty sure I cried everyday. I didn't felt like anyone was on my side. And by that point I was at my lowest weight. It wasn't until then I finally said something has to change because not only was I mentally struggling my physical health started to become affected. In January I started ERP therapy, (Emotional Response Therapy) with a therapist, I have been doing well with it and have already seen improvements in just two months. I am also taking my medicine. With the help of my therapist I have been able to move past my fear in taking medicines. Because I know that I feel better and I am able to go out and do more stuff know. But it took me a long time to get to the place. My mom wanted me to get on medicine and help for years. I even almost put myself in a treatment center. Thankfully I have an amazing therapist who I love and have built a great trust and connection with. Alot of people are going to tell you alot of things regarding OCD, but the fact is medicine and therapy is a proven fact in helping with OCD. I know first hand how hard and all consuming OCD is. But as my therapist has told me OCD does not define you, you define you. My mom and I have both been to my therapist she has given me weekly homework and has my mom also doing homework. Our relationship has gotten much better throughout this process. But I think keeping an open line of communitcation with your son is the best thing to do. Not sure if he would be willing to join this forum to talk to others about what he and you are going through. As my mom say's it's not easy, she gets sad and angry still at me from time to time. But I took the first step in getting help. Sometimes unfortantely it takes you hitting rock bottom to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please don't give up hope, if my mom and I can get to a better place, I"m sure you and your son can as well. Hang in there.

[Tara178 in reply to LiveOutLove_22]

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me about your struggles and that you are getting better slowly. It is hard as my son does not want to talk about it. He seems to get so stressed and anxious about the slightest thing ! It breaks my heart seeing him distressed about what are just trivial things. OCD is so hard to define. It affects people in so many different ways. Irrational thoughts just seem to take hold!

Thank you so much for your message. Glad you are coping well with your therapy and medication. I just hope and pray my son will seek help soon. Wishing you and your mom all the best. Keep up with your progress ! X

[LiveOutLove_22 in reply to Tara178]

If I can help share my story and my struggles with OCD with other's than I want to. I know this affects so many people. I used to be so embarrassed and ashamed about OCD. Now I just want to conquer it. I'm fighting hard every day against intrusive thoughts and my mom has to sit and watch me fight it every day. Every day it's hard for her not to help but if she does than we aren't breaking the cycle that OCD likes to set for ourselves and others around us. It's going to take time to fully break the cycle but every day is a new day to try. I wish you and your son the best of luck. Both of you guys keep fighting and pushing back against OCD we can do it. And thank you, I hope your son will get the help he needs soon.

[Tara178 in reply to LiveOutLove_22]

Thanks again

[Sallyskins]

This is such a problem - the effect that OCD has on those around the sufferer. They suffer too. I've tried and tested the patience of my own friends and family!

The refusal to get help isn't unusual, but the only way your son is going to get better, for his sake and for yours, is to accept help. Medication can make a big difference straightaway - or at any rate, in the 4-6 weeks it takes to kick in. The standard medication is an SSRI antidepressant, and although it can make the patient feel a bit strange to begin with, once it starts to work, the effect can be really astonishing.

But on its own, medication isn't enough. CBT and ERP - that is, cognitive behavioural therapy and exposure-response prevention - are the real remedy.

Once OCD sets in it can take over one's life and living space, and the lives and living spaces of those around you. It can be difficult to be firm with someone who is so clearly suffering, as your son is, but it might help to lay down some ground rules.

The first has to be that he must get treatment. His reluctance to get help may be based on fear - the fear of confronting his OCD and doing something about it. One method of dealing with this might be to make an appointment with the doctor and make sure he keeps it. Obviously GPs' surgeries have rules about this, and you might not be able to make an appointment directly. But perhaps calmly but firmly you could point out that it's your house, and that a condition of his staying under your roof is that he makes an appointment.

Try to keep calm - he could well react adversely - but stand your ground. Don't nag or badger him - that really doesn't help - but explain to him that there is effective treatment for OCD and that it will make his life and yours better.

There are books aimed at carers and friends and family of people with OCD. One excellent book is The OCD Workbook which has exercises that could help your son with his OCD, and also a fairly hefty chapter for friends and family on how to deal with it. It might be worth getting a copy, reading it yourself and then give it to your son to read.

Treatment for OCD isn't particularly easy, and your son will need support while he's getting it. CBT and ERP take some getting used to, and there are likely to be many bumps in the road to recovery. But it does work.

Setting some ground rules around his behaviour - not being too strict, just establishing some boundaries - could force him to confront his own behaviour. Of course it's not his fault he's got OCD, but part of the recovery process consists of confronting one's behaviour and thought processes.

Do keep in touch on this forum - there is a lot of experience here! I can give you a few tips on how best to support someone getting treatment for OCD while retaining your own sanity! Try to keep your head up and take care of yourself.

[Tara178 in reply to Sallyskins]

Many thanks for your advice

[Mcfly64]

I hope everything gets better. The advice you have been given is spot on. We are all here to support each other 🙏

[SB3210]

I agree with most of the advice given so far, however I will recommend an alternative look at how you might be able to encourage and help your son. This view is my own personal view and may not necessarily reflect standard medical approaches to dealing with the disorder, so keep that in mind if you choose to follow any of my advice.

One issue I find that happens with OCD is that the mind tends to adhere to rigid rules that become almost seemingly hardwired in the brain. This tends to result in the compulsory behavior many people with OCD face.

As a parent, being overly firm and forceful with your rules by saying, "This is my house, you have to do as I say to live here" basically mimics what OCD is like and can cause additional fear, anxiety, and other difficulties. You may become another aspect of his OCD and he may further withdrawal from you and others.

Rather than taking the firm "ultimatum" approach, I'd recommend the firm supportive, encouraging, and relative approach. I've noticed the word "reassurance" tends to be a negative word in the OCD community and the actions of reassurance discouraged, but I disagree that reassurance isn't a helpful method in the treatment of OCD.

OCD generally has people looking for constant reassurance, to extreme circumstances, and this can be a method of making the condition worse. However, I believe reassurance is ok, if done correctly.

Reassuring at steady intervals can be helpful, but it has to be done without being a constant reaction to compulsions.

Letting your son know you're there for him and reassuring you're not against him is important. This is part of supporting him. Reassuring him that things are ok when he's struggling with compulsions can be helpful, but again, it shouldn't be a constant thing, rather done at steady intervals to help ground him in times of need.

This is one of the more difficult things to do from my experience, because the intervals generally should be "weaned" down over time, but often people with OCD will want to get more and more reassurance over time as they receive it. Many people in the OCD community will contest this method as not useful, but I often say that you have to take things in steps, like climbing stairs, you can't expect to jump from the bottom to the top in one leap.

Similarly, not reassuring people with OCD at all can have a major damaging and isolating effect on them, resulting in them thinking and feeling like their support doesn't understand, doesn't care, and is against them.

Moving to the relative aspect, you should talk to him about your own personal struggles, your feelings, and some of your vulnerabilities. This form of relation may help him feel understood and that you both have strengths and weaknesses that you share in common. This may help him feel less alone.

Once you're able to establish a more mutual connection, encouraging him that you "both" should seek help together to fight this condition may help him to consider it more as a tool to heal rather than a failure he should have prevented or a weakness he should be ashamed of.

I'll note here that, if this approach doesn't result in him accepting professional help, you have to consider alternatives. OCD can spiral downward into extreme depression and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes rock bottom can encourage an individual to seek help, but it can also result in self-harm and suicide. If you feel like your son has spiraled down beyond you being able to reach him, you should intervene by getting him into a facility that can forcibly treat him and hopefully recover some balance of the mind. This is a last resort in my opinion, but shouldn't be off the table as an option if you need to use it to help him.

--

OCD, like many other mental health issues can have such a devastating effect on the individual and those who care about them.

The internal struggles one faces with it can have them feeling ashamed, isolated, and alone, despite having people who love them nearby. Unfortunately, when others aren't able to understand the condition and how to help someone work through it, the condition can reinforce itself over time and become worse. Undoing the complex hold that OCD takes in the mind can be extremely difficult, but it isn't untreatable.

As others have said, a multifaceted approach is ideal. Approaches like medication and therapy should be used in conjunction to help work through the disorder.

As someone who has dealt with OCD internally as well as helped others who suffer from it, I commend you on taking a very difficult step in reaching out for help. Supporting someone you love can be such an exhausting and difficult thing to do, with many ups and downs.

Try and remember that if you love someone, you're in the struggle together, you seek treatment together, and you heal together.

I hope my advice as well as others' advice can help you on your journey.

[Sallyskins in reply to SB3210]

I agree in the main, and take the point about laying down the law, but I have to say that if there are no rules externally, then OCD will impose its own rules, and take over not just the sufferer's life, but that of those around him or her. It takes over anywhere it can, like knotweed, and throttles and chokes all in its path. And like knotweed, it can be difficult to get rid of.

But it can be checked and, if not completely eradicated, controlled so as to allow you and those around to lead relatively normal lives.

Being sympathetic and tackling OCD together is good - support from family and friends makes such a difference. And avoiding blame is key.

But if someone is refusing to get treatment, there is a pressing problem. It's so difficult to watch someone else suffer, particularly if that someone is your child, and OCD behaviour can be so disruptive that it can make other people's lives a misery.

I acknowledge that OCD is difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have it. I'm not sure I'd understand it if I didn't have it. But part of the treatment is making alterations in your behaviour and thought processes. If there is nothing to force you to do this, OCD will rampage unchecked and uncontrolled.

Making it clear to someone with OCD that you will support them and help them any way you can is vital - but there has to be a reciprocal commitment to actually accepting treatment.

I know how hard it is. And the treatment isn't easy, but it is effective.

[SB3210 in reply to Sallyskins]

I'm not in disagreement about external rules, I believe they are necessary to help societies and the smaller groups within them function much more orderly. However, I believe rules should be a collaborative effort, especially when adults are working on rules that affect each other.

With respect to the OP, even though her son is her child, he is still an adult. And though he may have mental health issues he's struggling with, I'm going to assume he's relatively cognizant and able to understand the overall problems that are happening.

My main disagreement, especially when it comes to OCD, is implementing rules as an ultimatum.

Internally, OCD already does this to the sufferer by creating rigid rulesets to follow. If the sufferer fails to follow such rules to a high standard, they feel "compelled" to repeat whatever task they haven't done "just" right. This rigidity can be mind breaking, causing several dysfunctions in the individual.

Outside rules that are implemented by others as an ultimatum can additionally crush someone with OCD through fear and anxiety. My preferred approach uses a softer method to try and break through the iron grip of OCD by connecting with the sufferer in a more empathetic, sympathetic, and mutual way.

People suffering with OCD often know that there is something wrong. They are still free thinking individuals that can think logically, work on agreements and rulesets, and overall participate in treatment of their disorder.

You mentioned, "But part of the treatment is making alterations in your behaviour and thought processes. If there is nothing to force you to do this, OCD will rampage unchecked and uncontrolled."

While I don't disagree with this completely, I would argue that, people with OCD are often actively trying to fight the condition by changing their behaviors and thought processes, they are just often struggling to do so with the wrong techniques. To deem them as needing to be "forced" to fight it takes a position that they aren't fighting it. That can be really disheartening for someone struggling with OCD.

The mindset that because someone is struggling with the same issues over and over again means that they aren't trying to work on the problems, feeling frustrated by this, and then giving ultimatums, I think is one of the biggest issues I see with people trying to support someone with OCD.

That said, as mentioned in my first post, I think ultimatums have their place in getting someone treatment, but generally as a last resort to help someone struggling with OCD. Issues like if the person is completely withdrawn and suicidal, if the person is completely dependant on their support to do things, and if the person is constantly imposing their OCD environment and rules on the household, generally are reasons I find worth imposing an ultimatum for.

I appreciate your response and opinion and I hope our similar and differing views helps others who read this. I'm always up for civil discussion on subjects involving OCD. If you'd like to continue discussing our thoughts on it, we should probably talk in private messages or open our own thread about it.

I hope you're having a great day, Sally.

[Sallyskins in reply to SB3210]

Absolutely! I'm in broad agreement with you. I think it's a topic worth discussing - elsewhere on this forum if necessary!

[IStillHaveHope]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I know that I avoided treatment for years since I didn't want to admit I had a problem and was scared of what might happen. I know now that those fears were unfounded but they were intense. Has your son tried posting to this forum? Either he could do it or perhaps you could post for him? There are a lot of people here who have had the same experience and would be able to totally relate to any issues he was having.

Like others have said, he may be afraid of admitting he has an issue since, most likely, he just wants to forget about the thoughts. This is classic OCD and in the end doesn't help. You need to learn to let the thoughts "be" and not control or resist them. In the beginning this is difficult and will cause a lot of anxiety. The medicine helps reduce these feelings. It isn't a "happy-pill" and doesn't change who you are. In my experience it just makes those thoughts and feelings less intense. Over time your brain learns to not associate the thoughts with the anxiety and it will reduce (or in some cases go away entirely!).

I know for me talking to my doctor and seeing a therapist made it more "real". I thought that I was a "crazy person" and that my entire life was ruined. I know now that's not the case and the medicine and therapy have allowed me to live a much better and well-adjusted life.

Admitting you have a problem is very difficult. There's a book called, The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and the Horse and there's a line in it I find very poignant. “What's the bravest thing you ever said?” asked the boy. “Help” said the horse. “Asking for help isn't giving up,” said the horse, “it's refusing to give up.”

I am really sorry you and your son have to deal with this, but the good news is that there are (literally) millions of people out there who want, and can, help. All you need to do is ask.

I hope this has helped some. May God bless you and your son.

[Richardsr]

my 13 year old has been battling OCD for years and the theme has completely switched from just right/symmetry to contamination as he’s gotten older. One thing we found to help, besides therapy and meds is to set an expectation several weeks out and map out a plan to achieve it. It gives his mind a chance to wrap his head around the change without causing too much anxiety all at once. At times the baby steps can feel excruciatingly slow but the only way we’ve been able to create lasting change without him creating new compulsions.

[SB3210 in reply to Richardsr]

I think this is a great method, Richard.Setting out expectations and mapping out a plan to achieve them over time is a great way to work through the issues with your son, rather than just telling him, "this has to happen, or else."

I think normal human brains generally struggle with fast and major changes, but even more so with brains that are experiencing OCD. I believe one of the underlying factors to potentially developing OCD are people with highly active minds. When you often think about every which way a situation can go good, bad, and ugly, it can take awhile to make changes confidently and a lot can go wrong if you start to obsess over these situations.

Taking those small, but important steps, while also walking your son through it is something many of us with OCD as children needed but didn't receive. I think the method you're using allows your son to develop more confidence that the changes being implemented will work out ok and if they don't, you'll still be able to work through them at a good pace together.

[Natureloverpeace]

I just sent you a private message about a virtual Family and Loved One’s Support Group that meets once a month. It is led by an OCD specialist and his mother. The OCD specialist also has OCD. Most of the people who attend are family or other loved ones of a person with OCD. People in the group are given an opportunity to ask questions and a follow-up email is sent out a couple of days later with resources. I sent the message privately because it includes an email address for you to contact to get the link to the group. The link changes each month. If anyone else is interested in this Family and Loved One’s Support Group, feel free to message me and I can give you the co-leaders email address. It looks like you can send a private message by clicking on a person’s profile picture and then click on Chat. I’m guessing you would receive an alert that you have a message. I’m not familiar with sending a private message on this forum but that looks like how it’s done?

[Tara178 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thank you for this. I appreciate it.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Tara178]

You’re welcome.