I think I vocalized my intrusive thoughts out loud and that people heard it

[MissMouse2023]

Just when I thought my intrusive thoughts were in control, something triggered them again. My ex-boyfriend and I sometimes call each other but sometimes he does way too much cannabis and says weird things. A few weeks ago, he said a bunch of stuff on the other end of the phone that he thought was “funny” but that was grossly inappropriate and offensive (I dare not repeat any of it). Since I was at work, I quickly hung up so no one would start hearing anything. I was alone in my office, but there are other offices next to mine in an open space, so I became very anxious.

I sort of got the impression that people were treating me slightly differently afterwards (they were nice but looking at me sort of weirdly). Then about two weeks ago, I feel like I may have heard (or felt) myself repeat all the inappropriate comments he made. I don’t know if I said them loudly, or shouted them, or if they quietly “slipped from my mouth” or were said under my breath, or if they just “sounded” really loud because the unwanted thoughts related to those comments were relentless.

The other trigger that day that lead to this incident, is that I finally, after a while, found the courage to have a conversation with this guy I was attracted to. However, since the incident with the intrusive thoughts that I thought I heard myself say, he went from being friendly to avoiding me, so that must be why, because I can’t think of other possible reasons.

Since then, I have really lost my confidence and my self image feels tarred, so the intrusive thoughts have started again every day ☹️

Then I think it happened to me in the restroom, while I was washing my hands and I had social anxiety after a stranger and I said hello. I felt like I was shouting nonsensical words. Then I thought I heard the lady mutter to herself “oh my God” while she was in the stall, which makes me think I was saying weird stuff and she heard it.

I’m convinced that anyone who heard me say these things will never talk to me again, and there is no way to redeem myself. The question is, why do I feel such an urge to sabotage myself? Does part of me think that the unpleasant thoughts will go away if I give in and do (or say) something bad?

I’m not 100% sure that I said these things, but what I do know is that when the thoughts become unbearably intrusive and loud, I become agitated and fidgety, I’ll sometimes even ritualize and say quietly to myself “these are just unwanted thoughts”, or I’ll pretend to mutter something else (about something normal) because I feel it could “prevent” me from saying bad things, or I’ll just say really quietly to myself “make it go away”. I’m sure if people see this, they’ll also think it’s weird, but not as weird as if they heard me say nonsensical or inappropriate things ☹️

[Sallyskins]

I can't say for sure that you didn't say anything you didn't want to, but I can say that this sort of thing is typical of OCD. Our thoughts can be so loud in our own head that we wonder if we did voice them out loud, and this is intensified when our thoughts are intrusive, abusive of others or just weird.

I've had this too - did I just say that out loud, or only in my head? I do swear out loud, but that's all - I don't actually say other stuff out loud unless I mean to!

I've also had another common OCD problem - did I just write something inappropriate on paper or in an email and send it to someone? Before email, when stuff was always written on paper and put in the mail, I've actually put things in an envelope and sealed them up, only to open it up again and check in case I've written down something abusive or incriminating! And I've checked emails repeatedly before I click on 'send'.

I can't say anything about other people's behaviour towards you, but being self-conscious about ourselves and anxious about how others react to us can make us think that people are being 'off' with us when they're not.

All I can really say is that being afraid of saying or writing something inappropriate is very typical of OCD. A lot of us have experienced it. And the urge to sabotage yourself, as you say, is strong. That's just OCD for you! But it doesn't mean that you really will sabotage yourself - it's just the OCD making you think you might.

On the whole, words do not just slip from our mouths when talking to others. As spontaneous as speech is, we still articulate our thoughts into comprehensible words and make the choice to say them. That makes it unlikely that we will say anything inappropriate unless we actually want to.

[Natureloverpeace]

Have you been assessed for Social Anxiety Disorder?

[UKmum68]

Hey, I’m not an expert but it sounds like you have OCD. My daughter has OCD and all of this sounds very familiar. Are you able to access a CBT therapist who can help you? OCD will try to make you believe you’ve done these things but it isn’t true! There’s a few OCD podcasts / books you could find that might help give you more information so you can see this is a very common experience. I really feel for you, it’s a horrible thing/experience. But there is help / info available. Check out OCD stories podcast or there are loads of books or check out specific OCD organisations online that have some resources. Take care.

[MissMouse2023]

Thanks everyone for the very thoughtful replies during this really rough time I’m going through 💗💕 It made such a difference to know I’m not the only one going through this 🌷🌻🌸 I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and general anxiety with mild depression, however I’ve never taken the time to connect with people going through similar battles - for a while my whole life revolved around overworking and spending exorbitant amounts of time trying to make everything “perfect”. I guess I’ll have to accept that I cannot be 100% sure of everything, however it’s comforting to know that we don’t screw up as badly as we think we do… It’s as if we’ve created our own death sentences and prisons…