Just when I thought my intrusive thoughts were in control, something triggered them again. My ex-boyfriend and I sometimes call each other but sometimes he does way too much cannabis and says weird things. A few weeks ago, he said a bunch of stuff on the other end of the phone that he thought was “funny” but that was grossly inappropriate and offensive (I dare not repeat any of it). Since I was at work, I quickly hung up so no one would start hearing anything. I was alone in my office, but there are other offices next to mine in an open space, so I became very anxious.
I sort of got the impression that people were treating me slightly differently afterwards (they were nice but looking at me sort of weirdly). Then about two weeks ago, I feel like I may have heard (or felt) myself repeat all the inappropriate comments he made. I don’t know if I said them loudly, or shouted them, or if they quietly “slipped from my mouth” or were said under my breath, or if they just “sounded” really loud because the unwanted thoughts related to those comments were relentless.
The other trigger that day that lead to this incident, is that I finally, after a while, found the courage to have a conversation with this guy I was attracted to. However, since the incident with the intrusive thoughts that I thought I heard myself say, he went from being friendly to avoiding me, so that must be why, because I can’t think of other possible reasons.
Since then, I have really lost my confidence and my self image feels tarred, so the intrusive thoughts have started again every day ☹️
Then I think it happened to me in the restroom, while I was washing my hands and I had social anxiety after a stranger and I said hello. I felt like I was shouting nonsensical words. Then I thought I heard the lady mutter to herself “oh my God” while she was in the stall, which makes me think I was saying weird stuff and she heard it.
I’m convinced that anyone who heard me say these things will never talk to me again, and there is no way to redeem myself. The question is, why do I feel such an urge to sabotage myself? Does part of me think that the unpleasant thoughts will go away if I give in and do (or say) something bad?
I’m not 100% sure that I said these things, but what I do know is that when the thoughts become unbearably intrusive and loud, I become agitated and fidgety, I’ll sometimes even ritualize and say quietly to myself “these are just unwanted thoughts”, or I’ll pretend to mutter something else (about something normal) because I feel it could “prevent” me from saying bad things, or I’ll just say really quietly to myself “make it go away”. I’m sure if people see this, they’ll also think it’s weird, but not as weird as if they heard me say nonsensical or inappropriate things ☹️