For over 20 years now I've suffered with contamination OCD but it's quite specific. It relates to blood and the potential to contract HIV from it. It mainly arises when I've been walking somewhere and have walked through what I think or certainly looks like blood on a pavement. I then start to panic because I think "if there's HIV in that blood then wherever I walk now (getting in the car, in my home etc) I will spread the virus and it will be there indefinitely and if I pick something up from an area where I've walked I will spread it around as well and contact it." These thoughts can reoccur months or years later even when there has been no incident but I remember "oh those shoes were on that bit of carpet so I mustn't touch it".
So I tend to spiral and have to disinfect my shoes and any areas I have been or I avoid those areas completely. I've even thrown shoes a d clothes away!
The latest incident was 3 months ago and I then had to get in my car. Now, whenever I get in my car I think my shoes pick up the virus again and again I'm spreading it around. Yesterday my cousins little girl was crawling around on the floor where I'd walked and her bracelet actually came into contact with the sole of my shoe, and then she gave me a hug. I immediately felt contaminated as well as thinking I had contaminated her. I had to shower straight away when I got home.
I've read everywhere that HIV doesn't live long in blood outside the body and I try to rationalise things but it doesn't work. I am having CBT therapy but I don't know how to develop scenarios that I can use to test myself. I know that it is the uncertainty that I am uncomfortable with. I hate that I am like this when things don't seem to bother others.
I'm also 5 weeks pregnant and want to get this under control. Any advice or help is greatly appreciated. I feel very alone in this.
I will say that I still function I.e. I go to work, socialise etc and am not afraid to go out. But I just always feel on some level of alertness when I do.
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SussexGirl1982
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It's hard to get something irrational out of your head once it's there, isn't it? And simply knowing that HIV can't easily be transmitted - it generally needs to be blood to blood or having sex with an infected person - doesn't always allay your fears of infection.
Infection rates have gone down and HIV has become treatable and manageable. Think of these as a sort of safety net that allows you to experiment with exposing yourself to possible infection (of course you know that the chances of infection are remote anyway).
And remember that it's rare for blood to be on the pavement. And although you say this particular OCD problem is of long standing, OCD can get worse during pregnancy.
But pregnancy is also a good incentive for wanting to beat the OCD! New mothers are often particularly aware of germs around their babies - it's natural to become protective! But to be hyper-aware of germs when it isn't necessary can stop you enjoying motherhood to the full.
It can help to have a therapist to help you with exposure, but it can be done without one. Delaying tactics often help - so feeling contaminated with the remote possibility that you've trodden in some blood makes you feel you have to disinfect your shoes and shower. Instead of doing this immediately, sit down and give it, say, ten minutes before you disinfect and shower. Don't ruminate - conversely, don't try to push the thoughts of being contaminated away. Just let them come and go.
After ten minutes, if you feel up to it, give it another ten minutes. Then if you still feel you have to disinfect and shower, then do so.
It takes practice, but it can help in getting you used to feeling dirty and infected, until those feelings start to recede. And gradually, they do! Take it at your own pace.
Bear in mind that you have a safety net - HIV is treatable and controllable. And also remember that lots of other people will have walked on that bit of pavement and not caught HIV nor transmitted it to anyone else.
Self help books can give you a boost - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder actually features a case of someone fearing HIV infection. Another good one is The OCD Workbook. There are others - but make sure they use CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques.
It sounds as though you are a caring woman who is conscientious and protective of others. Those are good traits to have!
Thank you for your response. Everything you say I agree with and k ow, it's just so hard to get rid of the thoughts and feelings. And it's snowballed over the years so even if an incident happened years ago, I can be triggered if I am, say, somewhere I know there has been / I've thought there was blood on the past. So now I avoid things even if blood hasn't been present. It's frustrating. I am in therapy focusing on finding wriggle room in my beliefs rather than proving/disproving them as I did t want to do ERP whilst undergoing IVF as I didn't want the additional anxiety to affect my chances. We'll see how I go but this forum and the responses are really helpful, Thank you x
I have been dealing with a fear of rabies, so I have had similar issues around contaminating myself or others with anything that I think might be rabid saliva. Any clear unknown liquid outdoors (sometimes even indoors) is suspect and can trigger me.
Although logic and reasoning are not helpful in the midst of an OCD episode, they have been very helpful in establishing what is reasonable behavior for me. I have learned that I can't approach the issue from the "what if" side of things and try to prove that an object is not contaminated, because OCD will always find a scenario where it could be. However, I can logically model my behavior after what responsible, but non-OCD, people are doing.
So in your case you have to ask yourself if you really believe you can spread HIV in the ways that you fear. Obviously, if it was that easy to spread, there would be a public health emergency and we would be inundated with warnings about walking around in public, touching surfaces, and disinfecting shoes and flooring. All the existing warnings about needle-sharing and unprotected sex would seem ridiculous as small children (who are notoriously unsanitary) would be mysteriously catching HIV just from walking down the sidewalk or being around someone who had. But none of these things are happening, and the vast majority of people aren't noticing any of the "contamination" or taking any of the precautions that you are. They act "normal" all day and still stay HIV-free.
Establish what is "normal" behavior and then commit to following that as best you can. Talk to a doctor if you need to about what constitutes safe behavior, but don't turn reassurance-seeking into its own compulsion. Just get a baseline to define what a conscientious, but non-obsessive, person would do in the situations you commonly find yourself in. Of course you should tell the doctor you have OCD so they know where you are coming from.
ERP (the kind of CBT that really helps OCD) for you would consist of going out in public or using your car, getting the feeling of being contaminated, and then resisting the urge to clean, disinfect, or avoid. If you can do this consistently, you will begin to notice the "contamination" less and less, and the urge to clean or avoid will become weaker and weaker. Remember that "knowing" there is no logical reason to clean, "feeling" that there is no reason to clean, and resisting the urge to clean are three different things. Knowing and resisting are things you can control, but the feeling part is not. You will still "feel" contaminated even when you "know" you're not. The idea is to teach your brain that the feeling is irrelevant and not something you are going to respond to.
You might also check out this book by David Adam, who is an intelligent, accomplished science writer but also suffers from OCD that tries to convince him that he has contracted HIV through unlikely scenarios. It could make you feel less alone and help you learn some techniques for dealing with your own fears:
Finally, it's good that you are confronting this now, before your baby comes along. Many OCD cases develop in new parents who suddenly feel unreasonably responsible for everything that could hurt their child. OCD's special blend of uncertainty, hypervigilance, and guilt can be especially potent for a new parent, and it's good if you can recognize that and develop some therapeutic techniques for dealing with it. If you don't already have a good ERP therapist, I highly recommend finding one, or at least using online or print resources to help guide you.
Thank you for your detalied response it is really good to hear. I am having therapy but we decided not to go down ERP at present due to the fact I was going through IVF and I didn't want the anxiety from ERP to affect my chances. Now I am pregnant I am going back to therapy but we are focusing on the cognitive part, so trying to find wriggle room in my beliefs rather than proving/disproving.
Everything you say makes complete sense and I know this, but it's still hard to break the cycle I am so used to. I will persevere as I do t want it to get worse when the baby arrives. Thank you again x
I can also recommend the "man who couldn't stop" book.... I "couldn't stop" reading it. Lol.Seriously it's a good book and I found it helpful knowing that there's millions of others out there with the same or similar problems of OCD. Just hearing their stories made me feel a bit less alone in the OCD battle.
hello, my OCD is very similar to yours regarding HIV and blood. I am currently not in a good place myself as I fell in a stairwell at a car park where there is sometimes used needles (though there wasn’t at this time but there was an intense urine smell) and my pants were visibly dirty where I fell from dust, I also had to sit it in a while as I was in shock and couldn’t get up. I have had some work stress lately and general anxiety and I think this instance has set it off.
if that was someone who didn’t have OCD they would just get up and brush themselves off and continue with their day. But I’ve had to take work off now and avoiding particular areas of my house.
Each day I am trying to do the tiniest thing to push myself but it’s very hard.
You’re not alone and I hope your treatment goes well for you I’ve done treatment in the past but always held back but this time I really want it ti work. I’m angry at myself and angry at the OCD.
Why don't you up your meds to stop the thought. My ocd got terrible and I went from 20mg to 40mg lexapro hoping to get back to 30mg and taking some klonopin I tired to just use behavior erp for 6 weeks and was exhausted. I feel so much better since I can push the thoughts away with no more anxiety I want to enjoy my life
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