New and Alone

[Pandas782]

Hello everyone, I’m new to this support group but the posts I’ve seen so far have been very validating. From a young age I’ve always experienced symptoms of OCD but it never really interfered with my life and mental health until I reached middle school and started having obsessive thoughts and compulsions relating to my religion (I’m Muslim by the way). At the time, I didn’t realize what I was experiencing was OCD; I thought I was just being sensitive, dramatic, and needed to learn how to regulate my emotions based on how my parents treated me whenever I reached out for help from them. I don’t know how but eventually, the thoughts went away and the compulsive behaviors started becoming less and less so I figured, if I really had a mental illness, it wouldn’t just be back to normal out of nowhere right? After that period of time I didn’t experience any OCD symptoms as severe as before, that is until I graduated college and got a new job. Everything was fine in the beginning, but 3 months in I had an incident happen that I think triggered the symptoms to come back. At first I’d have the the thoughts/compulsions at least once or twice a week, but eventually it gradually started increasing to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was able to find a therapist, and talking about what I was going through did help, but it was not a cure. The thoughts and compulsions got so bad that I would spend hours crying in my room or bathroom multiple times a week. I dreaded going to work, and I hated myself. My therapist eventually referred me to a psychiatrist and he officially diagnosed me with OCD. It took me a while to believe it but after a few months I realize that’s what I’ve had all along. I’m on medication now which has helped tremendously with the intensity and duration of the obsessive thoughts and I’m super grateful for that, but I’m not out of the woods yet. I still experience the obsessive thoughts and compulsions and now it’s no longer just work; recently these thoughts and compulsions have also entered my life outside of work, mainly with fear of contamination. Although I’m better now, I still worry that one day the medication will stop working and I’ll get worse. It’s also been very lonely throughout this journey. I haven’t told my parents because they believe just praying will fix things. I recently told one of my close friends, and she has been supportive, but I know she doesn’t fully understand what I’m going through and I feel stupid talking about the thoughts that I have. I came to this support group to reach out to others who also have OCD and that I’m not insane for feeling this way. At least once a week I feel like I hear someone joking about having OCD like it’s a joke when it’s the most debilitating thing you can go through. To be trapped by your thoughts and have no control over them is a living nightmare I wish more people took seriously. Even though what I’m going through is real and is a mental illness, because of the way people talk about OCD I feel silly for having it. I hope after joining this community I’m able to make more friends along the way that can relate to what I’ve been going through.

[Bookishbunny]

Hi! I just recently received a diagnosis of OCD . My family doesn't think its real and I have been struggling since i was very young too. Welcome to the sight! Feel free to dm if you need someone to talk to.

[MothFir]

My experience is similar to yours, and probably so are the experiences of many if not most people with OCD. Don't worry if your friends and family don't understand it. It's very hard even for people with the disorder to understand what's going on (which is why it takes a lot of us years to realize we're suffering from a mental disorder), let alone people who have never experienced the extraordinary anxiety, fear, and confusion that results from it. I've had OCD since I was a kid, but was 45 before I finally met with a support group of fellow sufferers. It was amazing to be in a room with people who could actually relate to my problem!

My OCD has come and gone in severity over the years and I don't think it's at all unusual that yours was "quiet" for awhile and then returned. Mine has also changed topics; I have obsessed about my religion, contamination, leaving stoves and appliances on, locking doors, and all sorts of other things that are not "typical" OCD.

I only got serious about addressing my OCD a couple years ago. Before that I just took meds, which helped a lot, but when particularly strong obsessions showed up I still couldn't control them. Now I believe that therapeutic techniques help me stay out of the OCD trap more than anything. They have given me a better understanding of why I have the thoughts and how I can choose not to engage with them, which starves the OCD of what it needs to grow. Learning the importance of stopping rumination (which is as much a compulsion as any physical compulsion) has been one of the biggest helps to me.

If you're interested in more therapy resources, look up some online materials from Dr. Michael Greenberg, Reid Wilson, Katie d'Ath, and Shannon Shy. They (and others) have helped me get to the root of my OCD and given me hope that I can live mostly free of it, instead of just coping with a life of fear. I am not yet where I want to be and OCD still sometimes takes over my thinking, but it doesn't have the power that it used to and I can feel myself improving all the time.

Good luck!

[Pandas782 in reply to MothFir]

That’s very encouraging to here! I will definitely look into those resources to help better cope with the thoughts and compulsions in addition to using medication.

[SCC1 in reply to MothFir]

Thank you for your post. I was "glad" to read that when some of the compulsions are stronger than others, it is harder to control. I can relate to that very much! I appreciate your explanation on that, b/c I have problems communicating my feelings. Now I am more aware of what I am feeling. I am hopeful that I will be helped by treatment such as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Reading that you were helped by certain techniques, makes me want to try CBT again for myself. I had been leary about that, b/c I had thought it wouldn't work. I have more hope that when I try again, it will. Thanks again!

[Littleducky5]

Welcome! I always get flare-ups during times of big changes in my life too. You should download the NOCD app! It's great

[Pandas782 in reply to Littleducky5]

I just downloaded the app! Thanks for your advice

[Mcfly64]

Welcome 🙏

[IStillHaveHope]

I'm glad you found a place where you feel like you can be heard. People who don't have OCD don't understand the hell it can be.

I don't know if this will help, but being ashamed of having OCD is like being ashamed of having high blood-pressure or diabetes. It may change how you have to interact with life but you are a person, not a diagnosis.

I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents, but if you were my child, I would want to know the issues you were facing. Even if I couldn't understand I could at least be there for you.

Faith can help too. I know it has helped me when facing some very difficult choices and ailments but everyone is different.

I'll also say that it is possible to learn how to cope with this feelings and thoughts. It's not easy and it takes a lot of practice by it is possible. I hope you find the peace you're looking for my friend.

[Pandas782 in reply to IStillHaveHope]

You just made my day. Thank you so much for your kind words, it truly means a lot. I can’t wait to reach the point where I’ve developed the skills to cope and find peace.

[IStillHaveHope in reply to Pandas782]

No problem It's a hard road, that much is to be sure, but the good news is there are a TON of people out there who want (and can) help you. You just have to be brave enough to ask.

The other thing I'll say is that having OCD forces you to face things that most people never have to worry about. These can be tremendous learning and development opportunities. So it may be true that the "up" side of OCD is as great as the "down".

Just something to think about.

[GeethaN]

Hi