I went to inpatient therapy. I am able to talk to my mom, watch TV, and draw. I’m able to enjoy bits of life again.
Except, my OCD has moved into new places. The thing is, I can’t see it as OCD.
I’m having trouble with the toilet. I have this specific routine that keeps using up toilet paper and causing me stress. I keep trying to resist while I’m in there, but it’s so quite and intimate, that I think the thoughts I have are true.
I share a bathroom with my family. While I was in inpatient, I was trying to focus on OCDs that were making me not enjoy life and time with family. I’m able to do that now, but I didn’t focus on the bathroom routine.
It’s like how my mom said it. I’m doing good at fighting back my OCD, but it’s trying to find new ways to get back at me.
I spend like 10 minutes in the bathroom. But when I’m in there it feels like an eternity. And I’m always worried if I touched something while getting up from the toilet, if I left DNA on there, etc.
It’s not that I’m afraid of germs. It’s a combo of incest and contamination OCD. My family and I share a bathroom so I always wipe before and after I use the toilet. But it’s this complicated routine that I worry DNA is falling from my arm when I’m wiping, if where the toilet paper of where I grabbed it touched the rim, etc.
I did do better the other day once, which I think caused my OCD to flare up along with my period.
I meet my therapist in the 21st of June. I’m trying to make it until then, but I’m so scared of doing an exposure and my therapist is like “haha nope you did something incestual!” Or is like “you are disgusting!”
I tried a pros and cons list. I tried a timer. All didn’t work.
Had anyone had this OCD? If not, let me know.
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MissBowLady
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Hello. I'll tell you that my OCD started with germs and cleanliness then moved to something else. OCD doesn't go away completely and needs constant management forever. Obsessions can change yeah. And I tell you no need to worry about exposure therapy. These are just thoughts about incest and stuff your OCD is making out. Take advantage of exposure therapy so that you learn the strength to resist compulsions. You can do it. It requires effort however and it's painful but very possible.
It’s just AAAAGH HARD! I know contamination happens regardless, but it’s just like- my brain has a hard time understanding what’s different between using the family shared toilet and incest happening between two consensual people in real life (gross I know). In therapy I had to be comfortable with uncomfortable thoughts but it’s harder on the toilet. I want to fight this compulsion but I’m scared to do it without a professional saying it. But I think that’s reassurance seeking.
I was hoping maybe someone had tips on here? Or another way to look at it?
I can give you tips that might work for you since they work for me. Dm me no prob.
I'm at least glad that you seem to have found some peace with your OCD, even if it rebounded back a little bit (a lot of bits?) elsewhere.
Did you try breaking it down into more easy and less easy steps, as part of your own exposure? What I'm thinking is just simply, if it's OCD, then you don't need reassurance (from us or ANYONE) that it really is OCD. All you need to do is either 1) ERP or 2) sit and wait for your therapist to do ERP with you
If it's not OCD well.... I think most of us have been down that road before. I suspect from what you've written here that it is anyways.
Glad you have made progress in some areas! It is totally normal to have OCD "fight back" and pop up in new ways. It probably happens to everybody trying to recover. It is frustrating but it also provides more evidence that the real problem is not with incest or whatever, but with a mental disorder that is determined to make you anxious about something. It doesn't really care what it is.
Before you go into the bathroom, try to hold that in mind. You know that sharing a bathroom with family, even without doing all the rituals you do, doesn't come anywhere close to constituting incest. Separate out the content and attribute the anxious feelings to OCD and not to the false idea that you are doing something wrong or gross. Your OCD will make it feel like you are doing something wrong or gross, but that doesn't change the fact that you aren't.
The more you can do what your OCD is telling you you shouldn't, the less it will bother you to "disobey" it.
What sometimes helps me is if I think about what other things I have done which involves the same or similar actions that I do not have OCD over
For example, with you, you said that you worry that DNA is falling from your arm when you wipe. What makes the task of wiping any different to picking up a cup/drink in the kitchen or any other time. You manage to go about other daily tasks without worrying/OCDing over DNA falling from your arm, so why would it suddenly decide to fall off when you are on the toilet.
Once you think about it and realise that during these other situations no DNA falls off your arm, so it wouldn't fall from your arm while only on the toilet.
This is how I try and think of it, it helps me, it may help you.
The thing about OCD, as stated below, OCD will try and find new ways to try and get to you. I am in a good place right now, but even for e, it is still a daily thing, to be aware of what is really going on. It hard but the same technique will work what every the type of OCD, for me it started as contamination, then kind of moved to both contamination and scrupulosity. Also, just to make sure to tell you, tell everything to the therapist, if they are a specialist, believe me, they have heard it all. They will not criticize you, and if they do get a new one.
Sometimes what helps me is to imagine what I would say to a close friend who confided the same issue to me. Would I tell my friend that sharing a bathroom with her family is like having sex with them? The other thing that helps me is exaggerating the situation so much that it eventually makes me laugh. Like, well, what if you use a bathroom at Target, where hundreds of people are in & out every day? Is that like having a huge orgy with the entire city? I'm not making fun of you or trying to minimize your distress. I have found over the years that if I can make myself smile by doing something like calling myself The Target Slut, that I am on my way to feeling better. Hang in there. So glad hospitalization helped. You will beat this.
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