A few weeks ago I came across a podcast that interviewed a man with OCD. The interviewer asked the man a very compelling question - If the man were presented the option to live a life without OCD, and in return be a less empathic and deep person, would he choose to do so? The man answered that yes, he would in fact choose to not have OCD even if it meant he would lose some of the personality traits that blossomed from his experience with this disorder. Since then, I have found myself thinking about that question quite often. At first, I thought that I would choose the same fate. OCD has been the enemy since early childhood. The Miss Trunchbull to my Matilda, the Buzz to my Kevin McCallister, my very own personal tormenter. Of course if I had the choice I would not choose OCD- but then something changed.
My whole life I have been searching for my purpose. Before I was diagnosed with OCD I never had an idea of the path my life was heading down. Everybody wants to be somebody to someone. It’s in our human nature. When I was at the darkest point of my mental illness I felt completely isolated and terrified. My life as I knew it had crumbled before me, and I was left alone to pick up the pieces. But as my recovery progressed and I found a platform to support others and be supported by others I started to feel a sense of purpose for the first time in my life. Throughout this journey I have been blessed with so much love and compassion by the most kind and empathic group of people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. That group of people is you - the ones who are reading this.
Your warmth, empathy, and concern are powerful tools that have built me up and given me the motivation to continue with recovery when I was incapable of motivating myself. There were nights where I screamed out asking God why this was happening to me. What had I done to deserve this hell? OCD has made me feel ugly, monstrous, and unworthy in every aspect of my life. It nearly broke me. But now when I look at myself I see some of the same qualities I describe in you, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they are a byproduct of living with OCD. So when I think about that question today I know what my answer is. No, I would not give up my OCD because as difficult as it may be I have come out the others side as a better human being. I used to go to bed and wake up without giving my life a thought, but now I go to bed thankful for another day and wake up with GRATITUDE. This life is not easy. OCD is not easy. But I am thankful for it. It made me, me. And I like this version of me.
There is beauty in the midst of darkness, and I hope you find yours.
Just trying to make a difference.
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