Harassed three (now ex) friends over text and I don't know what to do. Haunts me every day.

[Dysthought]

There was this girl. I'll call her Jessica (not her real name). I liked Jessica and I thought she liked me back. So I told her. She did not. Next day I'm turning things over in my head and, since she said she thought we should be friends "for now" I sent fishing text messages to see if she was interested in me, but didn't want a relationship or wasn't interested. Eventually she texts me back and tells me I'm making her anxious. So I stop. But I continued to text her another time. Eventually we decided it was best not to text. So she blocked me.

I ended up in the hospital, felt lonely, so I texted Jessica. No response. Figuring she had blocked me, I texted her friend I was in the hospital in hopes that her friend would tell her. And she did. So I start texting Jessica again. I apologize for texting her so much. One night we're texting each other and the conversation turns to Snapchat. She adds me or says to add her. And we snap a bit.

I get out of the hospital, to avoid sending the wrong message she deletes me from Snapchat. And things are kind of awkward at first. But we become friendly again.

I should have learned my lesson. There are still two more parts.

Her friend joins the community. Her friend starts expressing what I interpret as interest. Things were OK until her friend left and we started texting. I'll call her friend Ashley.

So Ashley and I start texting. Same thing. I send too many texts and apologize for sending so many texts. She sends me a I feign I don't know what that is and then she says she meanf to send a smiley. So I look up IPhone keyboard and see that smiley is in a different area than winky. So I think may be that was intentional. I text some more (text apologizing, asking if I should stop.) She says no. Then I say we shouldn't be friends, she asks why, and I say (in a very weird awkward way) because we don't feel the same way.

Ashley says she's not interested but still wants to be friends. So I say I do. Then I don't. So I say that. Then she says she doesn't like all the back and forth. So I apologize seven more times. Then text Jessica who knows about my feelings for Ashley and Jessica says she can't deal with me. So I apologize. Sometime later Ashley texts back saying she read my overall apology but she doesn't feel comfortable responding.

So I give it a week and text Ashley to make sure everything's OK. No response. So the next night I go, hoping to see her. And I do and she tells her friend some thing and looks over nervously. I say bye to the people there, no response.

I think the week before I waited outside in hopes of running into her so I could talk to her. I saw her and she hugged me and said she would text me back.

So the next day I text Ashley re-requesting a previous request I made not to talk about what happened (with people in that community). She doesn't answer so I say "just tell me that and I'll buzz off" (getting the sense that I'm annoying her, figuring if she has told anybody I just will avoid. Then I go to sleep. I wake up and fear that I've now crossed the threshold of harassment and Will end up in jail so I say I'm sorry for being an asshole and harassing you.

I hang out with a friend and tell her what happened and we talk about it. And I'm dreading seeing Ashley so I ask if Ashley will be there on a certain day. And she says yes. And I'm expected to be there. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Day before I friend Ashley and msg her on Facebook. Then I unfriend her. Then I refriend her worried she won't see my message if I don't have her as a friend.

Now I'm scared sh*tless to go. So I stay home. And for like a month I stay home. And Then a month later I message her on a different device figuring she blocked me on Facebook. And she threatens to look into filing a restraining order. Says I made her feel unsafe.

At some point way in the future I go back. Ashley isn't there but Jessica is. Jessica leaves. And Then I'm banned.

At this point, for obvious reasons, I'm not friends w anybody in the community. Months after this happened, when I had gone back to the hospital and back to the community afterwards (the ban was a part ban) Jessica texted me saying she was sorry things were how they were.

You would think I'd learned my lesson. No.

So I friended another girl, who I'll call Julia. Julia used to sometimes drive me home and we would talk. And I feel for Julia.

So we text and stuff-pretty much the same thing, I text and then apologize because I'm worried I texted too much. And eventually I make my feelings for her known. She's not looking for a relationship. Once again I try to determine if she has feelings or not. She says she does.

But a month later, I start feeling something more so I hint at/move things in that direction. And She says she's not looking for anything. At this point, based on past history, I decide I should end it. So we end it amicably.

Until I start to miss her. So I add her on SC. She accepts my request. I message her and she's nice, but very short with me. When I say I'm not looking for anything this time, she says she doesn't want to talk. So I say I understand. So I block her to resist the urge to talk. Doing so unfriends her. At that point I feel depressed so I delete SC, unfriending people first so I won't be tempted to log back in.

I contacted her friend a few times over the course of a few months (most recent three days ago). They wanted nothing to do with me and didn't respond.

I don't really leave the house anymore. I don't see a future, a point, anything. It just eats me up inside, all day every day. I feel guilty and sick knowing what I did. I hate myself. There's no moving past.

That's the first time I've told the story in full. I feel like a terrible person.

I originally posted this on reddit, but I think a support group might be a better place than AITA.

[Moon_B]

Do you know why you act this way? Is it because you think she might not accept you for who you are?Because you seemed to be insistent which will indeed feel like harassment to them I think. But I understand that’s not your intention. Why do you think you over-apologised and texted them so frequently? I am asking because I am not sure I understand what were your intentions. You wanted to be friend but didn’t know how?

Overall, I feel like you are anxious about harassing them but don’t worry, if you stop now and text with moderation in the future you will be fine. I think you need to understand why you are doing this. I feel like you find it hard to have relationships with them. Also you seem to think to hard and analyse things that are in reality simple. Take a step back, they way you interact is probably too intense and might be stressful to them even if this is not your intention. Try to work your urges to text abusively and maybe work on your anxiety which seems to be the root of your problem.

[Dysthought in reply to Moon_B]

I fear losing friends and that I've ruined everything. And I try not to text but it keeps going around and around in my head. My mind keeps telling me to text again to confirm.

As for confessing my feelings... I thought they were interested. Normally I don't, but I thought because they were giving me attention and flirting with me may be they were. And I have a fear nobody will ever like me. And every time I talked to them I would get the urge to tell them. I said "if I close my eyes and my finger hits send then I'm "meant to" text them.