The Journey Alone???: I am middle aged... - My OCD Community

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The Journey Alone???


I am middle aged, just getting out of a 7 year relationship complicated by OCD, and have resolved to keep my communications with my immediate family minimal. My mother was abusive, and my father is a textbook stoic, my brother is estranged. We basically have Christmas card connections. I am unemployed, no coworkers to speak of and a little money saved up. So I am alone with OCD! Has anyone been down this route?

13 Replies

Hi, Tikirob. My name is Rahul. My life is extremely complicated due to OCD. I failed my college exams many time. I have drunkard father and a mother who is interested in wealth. I don't have friends. I spend my whole time with obsessions. Our stops are same but I am some years younger may be.

Hi! So how do you try to manage, do you have some support in your life or are these platforms the your best way to reach out? I have tried to get groups together where I live just to meet people with OCD and I live in a major city and cannot find non 12 step meeting groups.

No family support, no friends . I am fighting with it all alone.

Hello Tikirob,

I'm hobbling along down a similar path, just on different terrain. I'm not physically alone; I'm married, but mental illness has atrophied the union such that our relationship drags behind us like a gangrenous limb. We're together, but making each other miserable.

And yet, in truth, I would be more of a mess if she were gone, as I have severe health anxiety that makes being alone at night unbearable. I know that's not a workable foundation for a marriage (or any kind of relationship), but love lingers, too, despite all the acrimony.

Sometimes, though, a marriage/relationship just can't survive mental illness. As to OCD specifically, I've been alone with it since I was around eight or nine years old. I'm alone with it now, as my wife sleeps beside me, grinding her teeth. And though it may not be the source of our marital troubles, it definitely complicates matters, so I think I understand your experience somewhat with OCD.

For what it's worth, you're not alone out there.

Tikirob in reply to mrmonk

Hey thanks, glad to hear I am not alone! But not so glad you have to deal with what you are going through. Just hung out with partner yesterday and we had a nice day. She seemed to want more than a hug from me and I felt confused by it. I am struggling to be alone but find romantic behavior just as challenging. My stress levels are definitely better seeing her less often and I think it’s been the same for her too.

Isn’t so hard to remove OCD from any part of your life? I am OCD, my relationship was dependent because of OCD and if I have an interaction with a new person something OCD will determine my impression of them. Is your partner able to separate you from your mental health disorder?

Elenaleeuk in reply to Tikirob

OCD is so different for everyone and so difficult to explain... the older you get the more you become used to dealing with your obsessions in your own way and it’s hard to ‘let anyone in’. I didn’t even tell my family until a year ago and I’ve been suffering from quite severe OCD since I was 8 years old.(I realise now I had it as a child but didn’t know what it was so just accepted it as my own quirkiness), recently it’s been more physically challenging and having people around me know has been great support. Having said this, the thing that has really helped in the darkest times has been reading similar stories. My ESA was stopped in May and it’s been an ongoing battle until now as I am still waiting for the Tribunal date. Anyone else who has had trouble with the DWP Assessment? I’ve just been awarded PIP so it shows how much difference a more competent Assessor can make.

Keep obsessing peeps 😊

Tikirob in reply to Elenaleeuk

I don’t really understand what all the acronyms mean, sorry! But thanks for sharing your story it helped me to hear about your journey and living with your OCD for so long. I just found out my friends wife has it and she was afraid to embrace the diagnosis but I told her it can be helpful. Everyone is different even in our world of obsessions. My family and partner and most friends have distanced themselves from me as I battle this thing. I get a good feeling when I see someone has responded to my post. Thanks again.

mrmonk in reply to Tikirob

Sorry for the super-late reply, Tikirob. No excuse, I'm just a poor correspondent. For good or ill, I've always viewed my mental illness as a part of my identity. It permeates all aspects of my life and my thinking -- sometimes it manifests in very subtle ways and sometimes it's the elephant in the room. It's indivisible from me as a person. Happily, my wife has always been accepting of this part of me because, sadly, she has mental illnesses of her own, and can identify. I don't know if it would be considered an irony, but mental illness was one of the things that drew us together when we first got to know one another, and it is the force that tears us apart now.

Hi Tikirob. Not exactly what you have been through but I am middle aged too. Have been dealing with OCD very privately for 40 yrs now brought on after living through my father being murdered and my home stormed with sharpshooters. I was told I had a 50/50 chance to get through high school and that's it. Somehow through all the struggles got my BA and Master's certificate. Relationships have been hard due to OCD as I privately live in my own struggling world. Never tried medicine in fear now of word getting out about OCD. All I can say is your not alone I have lived this way so long its so hard and wish we could all find a "magical pill." Please feel free to reach out here anytime as a pen pal if I can help in anyway.

Tikirob in reply to reshon

Hey so sorry to hear about your Dad and the gun violence that has surrounded your life. I have OCD and my father got shot in a school shooting many years ago and my brother shot too in a gang related issue right after, they were lucky and both lived. Yet the toll of experiencing what they went through really made me anxious and maybe it had contributed to my condition or the severity of it. So I don’t have the personal experience of loss like you but your story is something I can relate to. Its weird because I do not speak to either of them now. My journey has been lonesome in the OCD world. I tried medication, therapy, but my OCD was too severe and I need residency but it’s too expensive so I too am stuck in a limbo. I am out of the closet so to speak! I hid my ocd from others subconsciously and then consciously. Now I am open about it and b cause I want to reach my dreams one day I know it’s part of the healing process. One of the biggest things I did for myself was to accept that I have OCD. I worked hard, was miserable, and then had a breakdown filled with shame. I felt inferior but then when I was diagnosed with severe OCD at 41 I said hey you know what I did okay for a guy with a debilitating mental illness. From then I told people and the reactions were very unemotional or vague from the people in my life. That’s why I am more alone now. If I broke my leg people would send cards and check in but when you tell people you are diagnosed with OCD they don’t really understand what a devastating condition it is to have. You throw in trauma like you have experienced and it makes things twice as hard. Thanks for reaching out to me.

reshon in reply to Tikirob

Not to worry I lost my dad 45 yrs ago, I just wanted you to know your not alone and I will try to check this daily, so if you want to reach out and "just vent," type away I will reply back.

Tikirob in reply to reshon

Thanks so much Reston! Same to you, let me know if you ever want to rap, peace!

You got it anytime

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