I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom.... long story short, I had back surgery about 2 years ago and when I recovered from surgery I had several blood clots in my legs. This was caused by my ET which I was diagnosed with shortly after. Shortly after this I was promoted at work. I am responsible for several building projects worth several hundred million dollars, and the pressure is really high at work. I started to feel really moody and depressed about a year ago. My sleep is so bad even when eating sleep meds. And if this wasn’t enough someone in my family committed suicide in the beginning of this year. Mentally it has gotten worse and worse for me and about two weeks ago I sat in front of my lap top trying to work and I just froze, I started to cry and haven’t been able to work since. I am a father of three kids between 1 and 14 years old and I can’t just sit at home crying..... I am just so tired and don’t know what to do.....Considering my ET, being this stressed out doesn’t feel good at all....
Depressed and exhausted : I feel like I’ve hit... - MPN Voice
Depressed and exhausted
Hi Bohus, , gee you got a lot going on for sure and from what you say i can see how all that stress could easily wear you down.Good though that you can identify your issues and have been brave enough to share them here but for the sake of regaining your mental health and for your wife and kids I think you need professional help to lift your mood. I don't know how easy that will be for you either through your Clinical Nurse Specialist or health care scheme but I'm sure it will help to start a dialogue with an expert provider.
I have used the services of a Counsellor in the past for my Myelofibrosis diagnosis when I had to finish work and couldn't see a way forward and she did help me to refocus.
Best wishes going forward
Chris
Bohus, Benfotiamine is a fat soluble form of thiamine able to pass through the blood/brain barrier more efficiently than water soluble forms and lasts longer. Thiamine is a remarkable vitamin that also requires magnesium to become bioactive. The experience you are describing may be connected to a thiamine deficiency as well as a magnesium deficiency. Take time to read through these links to relate what your are experiencing.
frontiersin.org/articles/10...
nootropicsexpert.com/vitami...
Hey Bohus... 
I can relate to the fact that you are under a great deal of pressure w/ your career... In many ways, we have somewhat similar stories, (& yet still a tad different too of course...)
My name is Steve, I am Post ET / MF, diagnosed about 4 years ago now...
All of us here suffer from significant symptoms w/ fatigue and mental fugue possibly being among the worst of these... (bone pain is not much fun either...)
However, I was just wondering how much you have read up about your ET?
Many people are still able to function quite well, others... Like myself, have found the challenge a tad harder at times ... we're all a tad different I guess... But stress can play a major role, and you do have some real concerns of course...
mpn-mate.com/mpns-what-are-...
One thing that is really important to remember however, is that in most cases, MPNs are long-lasting chronic illnesses, and many live near normal lives of longevity...
Before I went onto Ruxolitinib, I found that the mental fog that came w/ HU was simply intolerable... I too can remember a day when driving I suddenly had t pull over, stop and ask myself: "Why am I in the car, and where was I going?"
I had no idea! I also had tears welling up in my eyes... I felt quite disturbed by the whole event, at that time...
Shortly thereafter, my diagnosis changed to MF, and taking Ruxolitinib was like lifting a veil...
Not sure what med's you are currently taking, or if you are seeing an MPN specialist or not... But if you are not, then maybe it's time that you were...?
Maz will be able to point you in the right direction over there I am sure...
Down here in Oz... we only have two (2) to choose from...
Best wishes buddy... chin up and never stop looking for solutions...
"A problem is just a solution waiting to be found..."
Steve
Hi Bohus. Please keep posting as this site is full of people who care and willing to listen. I’m not an expert but my instinct is that you need to talk to your dr/medical expert to get the support you need. Take care. Jx
hello Bohus, it is no wonder that you are feeling like this, you have had such a lot to deal with and still dealing with it. As Chris said, you have been brave in sharing this with us, so you have taken a step forward in dealing with these issues, and I also agree with his suggestion that you should seek some professional help, speak to your doctor about what can be done to help you with the depression and sleep problems, your doctor can advise you about counselling that can help and also advise you on apps you can use to help with mood and sleep problems. Please do speak to your doctor as soon as you can. I hope you do feel better soon. And remember, we are all here for you. Best wishes, Maz
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. When someone commits suicide, it creates a huge impact on everyone around them. You might be clinically depressed and I strongly suggest you see a qualified therapist as soon as possible. About 2 years ago, I went to a therapist every week for about 3 months and I cried the the entire hour. I had put on a brave face for so long, I didn’t realize how I much I needed someone objective to talk to. I made some changes in my life and my perspective on things that were upsetting me also changed. I hope you get the help you need.
Thank you so much for your support. I will try to find someone to talk to as soon as possible. I have seen a doctor who has given me sleeping pills and anti depressants. I haven’t seen a therapist and I guess that might be necessary. I have no choice but to fix this ASAP....
Therapy works. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is especially effective for what you are describing. Please do follow up before you sink deeper into a very dark place. The good news is that what you are experiencing can be addressed and things can get much better if you take action.
I hope you are seeing a psychiatrist rather than a GP for the anti-depressants and sleeping pills. You have a complex case and while very effective, these meds can be tricky to manage. Regarding sleeping pills, please be aware that many will sedate you, but at the same time disrupt sleep architecture. Your will sleep, but not sleep well. Restorative sleep is essential to physical and mental health. The exception to this is Belsomra (suvorexant). I also suffer from chronic insomnia (which is related to my PV). I have tried multiple types of sleep meds. Belsomra is the only one that actually works (which is due to its different mechanism of action).
I would also note that CBT for insomnia can be very effective. Many therapists well versed in CBT would have the KSAs to treat both the depression and insomnia. You have shown great strength and insight in acknowledging what is going on. This will serve you well in managing what you are facing.
This will get better if you make it so. All the best to you going forward. Please let us know how you get on.
Hi Bohus, I’m so sorry to hear of your horrible year and wish I could make it better. You’ve had good advice from the replies already but I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you and know you will come through this awful time. You have taken the most difficult step, you’ve told people about it and now you need to seek more help from a counsellor.
Keep posting and everyone will keep helping and supporting you as much as they can. You are not alone, we’ve all experienced dark days, months, etc and no one should be ashamed of admitting they can’t cope. Now you have done, you have taken the first huge step on the road to recovery.
Kindest regards Aime xx😻😻
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