Coping mechanisms: Hi We have been trying for... - More To Life

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Coping mechanisms



We have been trying for 3 years. We don't qualify for NHS IVF and we can't afford private currently. Being 30 means that all of my friends have or are announcing, what feels like on a daily basis, that they are pregnant and sometimes I feel left on an island! Does that sounds silly? I guess I am wondering how people cope and whether any strategies you have might be useful for me?thank you

10 Replies

Dear Tranters

Thank you for posting and I know how you you feel,

My wife and I were in exactly the same situation with friends having children but we were unable to,

I think you need to think about selecting a few people among your friends / family you trust and inform them of your difficulties... One person at a time and then they can tell others for you, assuming you're happy for them to do so

Hopefully those around you who care for you will start to be sensitive etc although in our experience that doesn't always happen

Be good to yourself

Take care

Thank you for your reply. I have tried to tell people in the past but it seems a real conversation ender doesn't it? I will take your advice though.

Thank you

It's a really tough conversation, as you say, maybe now is too soon to discuss it? Perhaps talking to a counsellor would be helpful before discussing with others? Take care

I found it amazing how many times I was the one walking on eggshells and having to repeatedly be sensitive to others and remind them that we were having issues.

Then after my one and only IVF attempt failed and it was confirmed I'd never be able to have children I stopped reminding them and wouldn't say anything.

That was tough and caused a lot of low moments for me.

Now people just think it was my life choice and I just deal with the pain of the reminder when I am on my own.

It is tough, but infertility-hurts is right that you need to be good to yourself and take care of yourself.


This so very similar to our situation. Unexplained, ttc for 2.5 years. NHS funding suspended in our area. Can't afford private. In my 30's. Feels like every woman in the world is pregnant expect me. I'm having counselling, not sure if it's helping or not but It's the only thing I can do right now. I have no coping strategies. I tell my husband when I'm sad, cry when & wherever I need to, otherwise it builds up & I burst. I hope both learn to cope with this. It's the most amount of pain I've ever been in ❤️

Tranters in reply to Katybetter

Thank you for your honesty.

I haven't looked into counselling but I feel it might be something I need. It seems to be snowballing at the moment and my sister in law who is younger than me is about to have an unplanned baby which just magnifies everything I am feeling by 1000! I want to be a good auntie but every time it just hurts me a little more. How did you find out about the counselling if you don't mind me asking?

Katybetter in reply to Tranters

I have suffered from depression in the past so I knew the signs when I started to go down hill. I went to the doctors and told them I was depressed. They gave me 3 options. NHS CBT, medication or private counselling. CBT was useless the first time, I couldn't take medication because I was waiting for ivf at the time so I had to choose counselling. It's actually a charity who give discounted therapy. I just talk (and talk and talk) sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes I just stay the same.

The way you feel is perfectly understandable and normal for people in our situation. I hope we find ways of coping soon x

If you go online you can refer yourself for NHS Talking Therapies. I had a call back after a week to discuss if I qualified and then was given an appointment with a counceller based at my doctors surgery.

I was so impressed and have had 6 sessions now. I have used private counsellors also but can't afford that now so I was grateful it was all free.

It isn't a magic wand but it is a real relief to have someone supportive and impartial to talk to each week - even just a chance to cry!


They aren't specialist in infertility though so it's worth just doing a bit of research to find the best thing for you.

What I have been told is not to underestimate how hard this is on us all and to not be hard on yourself. Don't do this alone because this stuff really makes you feel alone and like a failure.

Hope you find what you need xx

Tranters in reply to MinMin

Thank you so much ill definitely have a look into it as alone is exactly how I'm feeling at the moment.


hi tranters

have you been in touch with Diane here at more to life? She is good and may be helpful to where else you can go for counselling. I went to someone through the NHS offered from my hospital where I had treatment. tc

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