I wish I could handle my emotions so I don't hurt others, they don't understand how I feel inside.

[Vicky1967]

I have created such a mess and have hurt my daughter who is so precious to me.

God where do I begin, well I have struggled with depression from about the age of 16 having spent my childhood with my brother sister and mum and dad, dad was very violent and mentally abusive. I married a man who was very controlling who had 'issues' of his own and after 12 years said he was sorry but he did not know who he was nor did he want to find out and didn't want any one to find out who he was. I could not cope with him and his controlling attitude towards me, he would continually put me down and tell people I was useless and stupid. I left him in 2001 with my two daughters.

Since leaving him my life has been tough all was going well until 2004 when I was raped, I went to the police but they ruined all my evidence and offered me no support at all. 12 months later I took an overdose, I felt so desperate no one knew how I felt my friends and family didn't know how to support me. I didn't know at the time that 1 of my daughters witnessed the overdose I didn't know until 2009. I got some support following the overdose but it didn't really help.

My family have been caught up in 2 court cases 1 as witnesses to a serious crime and the other an assault on 1 of my daughters between 2006-2009. I found these things very difficult to deal with.

I had been involved in a 3 year relationship between 2006-2009 which was up and down, but we decided it was right to move in together so We moved to another area, however my older daughter didn't want to come, her dad said he was going to take the girls away from me, that I was selfish wanting to move and making the girls move too. When we moved within weeks my partner changed and it was hell, I just had to get out if here but it was not straight forward, whilst planning to move out my oldest daughter then 16 said she didn't want to live with me any more, she just dropped into the conversation in front of her younger sister and cousins. I was completely stunned only a couple of weeks earlier she attended a local college open day and said she loved it and would I buy her the art equipment she needed. I had been up all night the day/night before as the man we had moved in with just wouldn't leave me allow, I was mentally drained.

My daughter moved to live with her dad, my younger daughter then 12 stayed with me but she witnessed my breakdown, my sleepless nights and panic attacks, we had to sleep on the floor of my brothers for 4 weeks, then move to my dads my daughter and I shared dads bed from oct to feb when we eventually got our home back in Feb 2010.

I got engaged to a wonderful man at Christmas I have known him since I was 16, I am now 45 although we haven't been together long I know he is the man for me, I have always loved him and he has always loved me. But my younger daughter has completely lost it, she had a massive tantrum two weeks ago telling my family that my partner and I were up all night having sex and she could not stand the noise, this just is not true, she told my mum via txt that she was scared she told me this too but would not say what she was scared of. We had a row and she would not speak to me for a week, then handed me a note to say she was going to stay with her dad.

I felt sick and panic stricken, all of the feelings from the past just grabbed hold of me. I spoke briefly to her dad he said she was going to live with him now. I could not believe it, over the last couple of months my daughter asked why could I not just leave things a they were and see my partner when she left in 2 years for uni. I felt black mailed and my daughter knew how I would feel if she left, we had talked about this in the past.

But I have made things so much worse, through pure desperation I put my feelings on Facebook, I never usually use it, but I felt suicidal I just wanted some support from friends that this was normal behaviour from a teenager and my own feeling were not uncommon, but my daughter found out and says I have made her look like an evil child. That was not my intention I was selfish I suppose and didn't think, now I don't think she will ever come back because I have hurt her. I feel so low, I keep crying and can not sleep, saw my gp this morning and I have a chest throat and mouth infection.

I just want to take away my daughters pain and stop hurting them but I want to be happy too.

[annie87]

I am a young girl who suffers from depression and panic attacks. Talk to your daughter in a quiet place with no1 else around tell her how you are feeling and you love her very much. Maybe all the moving around had unsettled her and that's why she wants to go with dad, explain you are not moving around anymore and you are settled with love and a home and she will always come 1st in your life. I hope you get sorted. If you feel low and feel suicidal again go straight to doctor and seek help you do not want to leave your daughters and partner I know it might seem like they don't care but they do and would 've left devastated for rest of their lives if anything happened to you. All the best x

[bodicea]

DearVicky 1957.

you seem to be going through so much right now. bitter and sweet. i am glad you have found the man for you and hope this continues to give you the support you need.

As for what is going on with your daughters, this is a hard thing to handle. i think you must have been so desperate and despondant to put things on facebook (which in my experience is not a good thing). Just be honest with your daughter, tell her (or write to her) say how you felt and it was in deperation. you needed to voice your anxieities to spew the hurt.

I have had something similiar with my daughters, but time has healed some of those hurts and we try to be honest about our feelings and needs. As you daughters are now adults maybe you should try to concentrate on making yourself feel well and getting yourself into a good place - you must be run down to have infections and mouth ulcers, you need a good rest from it all ) Once you are feeling better you can handle things better. Stop punishing yourself, we should nuture ourselves first before we can give to others. Please look after yourself, regain your strength (physical and mental) it may take time but it is worth every minute and you will be able to sort it. (if a machine is broken it can not do its job - it needs fixing first) Wishing you peace and calm. Gill

[Vicky1967]

Thank you so much, I feel like I have let everyone down including myself for going on Facebook but you are right I was desperate. I want the girls to understand but they have said they are not interested in my reasons. They say its always about me but that's not fair, I have always tried my best, as a mum it is difficult not to get upset when your children are hurting I can not lock my feelings away I don't believe that to be healthy. I love them both very much they are beautiful young ladies that I am very proud of. I shall write to them both and hope that we can at least start to repair the damage x

[Vicky1967]

I wrote to my daughter and she says she forgives me for going on F/B we just need her to ask for help to deal with her fears around my fiancée, to help her understand that not all men are bad men. X

[Hidden]

Hi

You've been through a lot and I really admire the way you have been able to pick yourself up again and now finally found someone you feel able to trust and who you find is good for you. To be honest I think you should look beyond daughter's attempts to spoilt things for you, respond caringly to her but try not to let her comments get to you if you can. She may be angry about the past, it would be natural for her to be angry with you, kids and teenagers in particular like to blame their parents for everything and it's important that they are able to blame us, but you could set limits in terms of what you will accept. While you can't stop her from saying things to other people you can tell her that you do not find that acceptable, that you find it hurtful and that you do think she is old enough to tackle you directly about her feelings and not behave in such an unkind and immature way. She will naturally have the view she does about men, it's what she's learned from experience. I wonder whether you and she can have some special time together during which you can enjoy things without your partner, also whether you can talk freely with her, with the feelings if they crop up, about all that has happened to you and how hard you tried and wanted to make things right for her and her siblings, etc. Maybe you could write her letters about the past, perhaps tell her your life story, share it with her, tell her how hard it has been and how you so much want her to have a better life than you have, how you want things to be different for her and want to help her to find someone who loves and cares for her as she grows up. My daughter was angry and hurt about things from her past and we became closer as a result of my sharing my experiences and feelings openly with her, we shared a lot of pain and came to understand one another really deeply so that now she is my best friend. It does sound as if your daughter will benefit from that as she loves you and you clearly love her.

Good luck,

Suexx

[Vicky1967 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue, thank you for your comments. I have spent so much of my time blaming my self and feeling guilty over the years however I am learning all of the time. My partner does not live with us, we are both mindful of my daughter and her fears my partner wants to let my daughter get to know him. I do work full time and do spend most of my time with my daughter as my partner works shifts and we only really get to spend the weekend together.

It is so hard being a parent at times but I would not change being a mum. I have tried very hard to fight the depression and anxiety and my experiences although very tough have made me strong, I can not let my traumatic experiences ruin my life, I tell myself that this is my life and I have a responsibility to my self to make the most of it and to show my girls that it is ok to feel down at times but talking and looking for ways of making life better for your self is so important. I try not to rely on others to provide all the answers like I used to. Talking and sharing experiences like I have on this site have really helped me to see things from my daughters point of view, just writing that letter last night and popping it around to her made a big difference, we still have some work to do and I will be there to help my daughter when she is ready.

The blackness that was creeping over my body has gone and I am back in control of my mind xx

[Hidden]

Hi, great, it sounds like you are going all the right things already. I'm glad you are feeling a bit more in control, the website is really helpful isn't it. Hope things go well for you, Suexx

[Vicky1967]

The website is great when I feel so low, I woke earlier feeling really down, ex husband has stopped paying maintenance and is now demanding I give him family allowance and he wants to claim tax credit. I understand he needs some financial support but I still have my daughters home to run and am going to have to pay £55 for counselling sessions. I am battling in my mind that this all only temporary but by the ex making his demands it feels like she will never come home. Her dad has not tried at all to be supportive he only contacts me about money and has made no attempt to reconcile my daughter with me.

The thought of getting up and going to work is really hard, I know I must be really strong but I just feel like giving in to my feelings and giving up the battle, there have been so many battles over the years I just want them to stop.

I am sick of feeling ill, I have just gotten over a chest infection and had to see the gp yesterday I now have a water infection and have to have further tests.

Where am I going to find the strength from, I feel like I am going mad I am worried that if I don't sort my head out I will end up losing my job and my home, if my ex husband has his way I could lose my home anyway as money is tight as it is.