Just want to die

I have treatment resistant depression. My latest episode started in January. My psychiatrist tried changing meds, but things just got worse. He talked about involving the crisis team, and about CBT. Then in September he announced that the Trust had said he could only see patients under the crisis team and he would not refer me to them. He said he would ask the cmht to see me. I could not get an appointment with them till the middle of October. My depression has gotten really bad. I am self harming daily, and took another overdose yesterday. I found it difficult enough to talk to my old psychiatrist, even though we had a good relationship. I did not want to be hospitalised - I have been there 3 times in the last few years and none of the visits helped. How am I meant to be honest with someone I don't even know, who will section me if she knows the truth about how i am feeling? And what is the point when ultimately the drugs will fail just as they have in the past? (I have also had ECT in the past, which didn't help and left me with bad headaches and long term memory loss).

3 Replies

  • Hi

    Have you heard of mindfulness cbt? I found this to be really helpful with my depression there is a lot of info on the web about it and your GP should be able to point you in the right direction. I also found group therapy to help as you can speak with others who can relate so maybe something else you can look into. Keep posting here we are here to support you

  • hi i believe i have treatment resistant depression have tried different anti=depressants also had ect and counselling and still suffer with severe depression. i do have times when i feel well but not very often. all i can suggest is that it will get better. anti-depressants take at least 6 weeks to start working and with some counselling i think you will get better.

  • Hi,

    I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad right now - you are being seriously let down by the psychiatric services!

    Please do try not to harm yourself or take further overdoses as although undoubtedly they will eventually result in some further involvement from mental health professionals I do not believe they will result in your obtaining the care and understanding you so clearly need.

    I haven't been hospitalised and cannot imagine how those experiences will have left you feeling but it is clear from what you write that they did not help. It is also clear that medication has not really helped either. You say you have treatment resistant depression- I wonder who on earth gave you such a diagnosis!

    Depression is a natural human response to circumstances that are depressing because they threaten us in some way. Sometimes the threat is to our self confidence, other times the threat is to our basic sense of trust. Many life experiences can lead to depression, but the depression is a normal response. Depression only becomes abnormal and needs treating when it is out of proportion to current life circumstances and is interfering with an ability to enjoy life. Yours is clearly doing that!

    You do not say when you first became depressed, nor whether there were any events leading up to the depression. My own very long and very deep depression began after my father left the family home when I was 11 years old and no-one noticed that I was extremely unhappy: however the fact that I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling indicated that I had much earlier experiences which had led to my having an inability to trust. I wonder whether you have had your depression for a very long time? I also wonder whether the initial cause of your depression is so long ago that you do not actually remember it. People with depression originating from so long ago often appear 'resistant' to treatment.

    I can understand your difficulty in trusting someone you don't know (yet another person who may fail to help and let you down again) but I wonder whether you can begin by trusting me and other people on this website? I have no power to section you but I do have some experiences of my own together with experience of helping other people who are struggling with feelings that seem impossible to cope with and lead them to self harm or attempt to take their life.

    I think if you are able to share your story here, as far as you are able to do so at this point in time, then you will have a large number of people who will want to understand you and help you as much as they can.

    I wish you well, please do write again if you feel it may help.


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