Well my cousin sister used to touch me like crazy when I was 9 yrs and at that time I didn't know anything about sex and the only thing I watch was cartoons , and when I asked her wat she was doing she said it's a secret game and it's really fun but I was like ok then I'll bring my brother let's play and then just manipulated me and made me keep it a secret and play, she made me touch her waist and back and with me being dumb it went on for months whenever we get festival holidays she comes home and wheather I like it or not we have to play and I thought it was a tickle game with some boring stuff and I said I don't want to play and ran away and sometimes acted like I was asleep then she stopped asking me to play and it stopped after summer and then I kind of got an idea of what was happening due to my friends discussion about sex and babies and then I felt like my body was covered with insects around whenever I see her and I was totally angry at her but I didn't know wat to do because in our family a small jewel is not shared with their family then there will be so many fightings, I was scared of that. I didn't know with whom I should speak or wat should I say was it my mistake or hers and I was scared to confront her, she still visits my house till today with pride and smile face, I mean was it me or her or both and I forgot as time went and recently when my brother asked me about my childhood memories that's when this memories started hitting me and all negative things that happened when I was a child and I couldn't reply anything and I said I don't remember of my childhood and I'm only 22 now and I really don't remember of happy things when I was a child. And I understood why I thought sex is a sin and only animals do that coz they can't think but I got rid of that belief now .
Yet sometimes I feel like I'm mining problems from past all time , why do I do that and whenever my mind is idle this thought always hits me , was I abused?? Is that why my memory supressed or I changed completely and I think why does this matter now it's all in the past and if she even to the slightest try to pull with me I am strong enough to beat her up or just upper cut so, why am I always thinking about this and this makes me feel resentment and anger and sad for me for being dumb wat to do. ? Just let go and forgive or share it with parents (no way they are way more of a child brain) or confront her for myself after all these years .. I don't know but I just want to be at peace of mind that's it. And have some confidence too