What am I worth

[figliadellestelle]

I am new here and this is gonna be a long message.

I am a 18yo girl and I’ve been living on my own in a foreign country for two years now. I have an history of depression and my parents’ divorce, that took place when I was a child, hurt me in a special way: my mother started seeing another man really quickly and this gave me several problems. I started having nightmares about her leaving me alone because he would steal her love and attention from me, as if I wasn’t worth of it anymore. I guess this started all of the problems that I had with her later in life: during all of my adolescence years I’ve been fighting with her and trying to show her that I didn’t need her love/affection in any way. Of course now I’ve been living on my own for some time our relationship cooled out a little bit.

I had a couple of important friendships: my childhood bestie and my teenager years best friend. Now I’ve been seeing this girl for some time and we bounded in a special way, so I guess we are bff’s. What I noticed in those friendships is the same thing that I was chasing in all of my short and past relationships with boys too: a need for love and attention (which is, I suppose, natural) but in a particular way. Let me explain myself. When I had those relationships it was often with boys who wouldn’t really care about me. I would look for their attention, beg for it and they’d eventually get tired of me and leave me alone. I had different psychologists (now I can’t afford one anymore) and one of them told me something that gave me a lot to think about: that I had a really low self esteem and that I’d consequently only go with people who’d treat me bad to prove myself that I was worth nothing but such behavior, as I was “nothing but a piece of shit”.

With those best friends I had I noticed the exact same thing happening: I was seeking for their attention and love and they’d seem to be less needy and more cool and distant about it, except for the moments where they were really emotional and needed my support in a special way. But something else happened with every bff, and this is what I really want to talk about. They seemed to be way more worth than me, so I’d basically be a zero next to them. Being with them made me feel like I was worth nothing compared to them. Everyone around us would choose them above me without even thinking about it. People would treat them better. Whatever they’d do, people wouldn’t freak out or think they were weird but just “understand” or excuse them. A few examples: we’d go to the club and all of the boys would be on my friend, or even be talking to me just to get to know her or to get her number. We get a one night stand: her ons wants to keep talking to her, pays her a taxi to go home, mine wouldn’t even leave me a telephone number. We go for a drink, people compliment her on her beauty/style/fashion/ spontaneity. Now if this happened every once in a while, I wouldn’t even notice. I thought in those past years I’d grown out of my depression, improved my self esteem and self respect and learnt to be independent from others’ judgement or appreciation but I am having serious doubts about it right now. Why is this happening every single time I have a best friend? It is like next to them I am worth nothing/ can catch no one’s attention anymore. Even the people I sleep with turn out to be more interested in her when they spot her on my social media pages and such. What is happening? Does it have something to do with my mum? With what my psychologist told me? I have no idea, but the matter is making me suffer again and I hope I’ll find some answers.

[TalulahGrammar1989]

First of all you are IMPORTANT! You are special in your own way. You just need to find it. The biggest mistake you are making is you are looking for it in people! You will never find your self-worth or self-love in other people! I’m a 48 year old female. I want nothing but to give you advice I’ve been through myself. You must stop looking for yourself in others. Your relationship with your mother is important. Gathering she loves you which I’m hopeful she does. There’s a relationship to work on! Your BFF is such a good friend to flaunt her escapades in your face. That’s not a friend rethink that relationship. There isn’t a man out there who can get you to love yourself and that’s what it sounds like you need. You have your whole life ahead of you. Stop being with men you are to valuable to give yourself to just anyone. I can also promise you it will only lower your self esteem and feelings of abandonment. Not all but most young guys are seeing their wild Oates. I don’t speak badly of either sex I have two sons myself. You need to find self-love! You might ask yourself what the hell does this lady know, I was you twenty years ago. I lost the game your playing. Pretty, style and outgoing personalities are great but I promise you your BFF will get it in the end too! First you must surround yourself with people who value YOU. Do not let people take advantage of you or your body. Stop dead in your tracks and think to yourself has it gotten me anywhere? I’m betting No! So it’s not working. When something doesn’t work we fix it, right? It’s not easy and I don’t know much about your history. I had to find my self-worth it’s a journey. But first stop doing things you know don’t work for you and make you feel worse. I can promise you it will make a difference for starters. If you’d like you can reply and tell me more about yourself. I’m still on my journey. Life is hard! Stop comparing yourself to others you are YOU. An individual that’s special! Say that to yourself today over and over! “Im special and important” someone out there thinks I’m special! You are so young! Start your journey now! Don’t wait, I waited and I’m sorry! I wish I got this letter twenty years ago! Remember say “I’m special and important” you are. You are seeking help that’s always the first and hardest step it means your strong. I’m here if you want to write. My name is Summer and I’m 48 I have bi-polar/depression and my life is hard. I understand your position. Be safe!

[CandyKatuza]

I know what you mean. I can really relate to that feeling but that doesn’t mean your worth nothing. Yea they might be pretty and amazing in other people’s eyes but so are you. You just need to find the right person that likes you for everything you have and not what other people have. Your special and one of a kind so don’t be upset by other people’s actions or words. Just be beautiful in your own eyes and the one special person that’s out there just for you. Your the only person like you and you should be proud of that. If people don’t see that then why bother with them? Your amazing and deserve the world so don’t be effected by what someone else is saying to you. <3