I have serious problems with apathy.

[MrLister]

Nothing seems to have any bearing on my life - all I've ever wanted to do is be an author but even writing has lost all meaning. I attempted suicide last year, and was hospitalised, but nearly everyone still thinks it was an accident, since then it's been my biggest regret but I'm so scared I'll do it again and won't survive this time.

[Hidden]

Hi

That all sounds really hard. I'm wondering whether you have had any form of support since the suicide attempt last year - when you say everyone thinks it was an accident I assume you mean friends or family. Can you ask for support from your local CMHT? They can offer you an assessment, usually within about a month - then they can see what form of support you need. Your family/friends would not need to know, but I do think you might have the courage to tell at least one of them the truth if there is anyone you might trust with that knowledge. Telling people how bad you feel can be daunting but you will probably find they are supportive and if they are not then they are not friends anyway. Family can be different I know, but friends usually don't have any history to stop them from feeling sympathy and after all if they are a friend they must like you! If you have no friends then you have more need for support.

As for the writing, I wonder whether you need to see the GP about maybe getting either counselling or ADs? It sounds as though you are deeply depressed and if you are not getting any treatment then that would be the first step. Once depression is less then you could start a basic creative writing course in order to have a structure which might help get you back into writing again before you are able to take off on your own? But your emotional mental state is the first priority. Do seek some support with that.

Suexx

[Gambit62]

Really sorry to hear about the writer's block - not good

I also write but in the last few years it's tailed off to being almost nothing - just can't get back into the routines so empathise with you.

Sometimes going back and editing some stuff can help - it's not knew writing but at least it is sort of writing ... or I find that switching from prose to poetry can help when writing prose just seems to big

On being scared of 'doing something stupid' I think it is quite common for people who are anxious or depressed to use death/suicide as a calming mechanism.

There is a section in a program that was done on BBC Northern Ireland where a Coronation Street actress who has suffered from depression for years talks very openly about how she used suicide as a way of calming herself.

Sometimes - and this is what happens with me - the thoughts of death come out of no-where and they are scary so the brain tries calming you by sending you more thoughts of death and suicide and it is a vicious circle. When that happens I know visualise the thoughts as unwanted visitors and rather than cowering in the house and hoping they will go away I now open the door and just say 'not today thank you'. It has worked a lot better and quicker than I would have imagined.

The program also has a section where someone is talking to some teenage boys about what depression feels like and that is precisely the apathy you are talking about

bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b...

The program is available until late tomorrow evening.

It really does sound as if you are depressed. It would be a good idea to go and see your GP, and talk through the options with them. You could also contact a counsellor and talk things through with them, though it might be worth asking them about their approach as there are very different approaches - some more challenging than others - and not all approaches are right for everyone.

Really hope you manage to break through a bit of the writer's block even if you don't manage to get to the point of being able to rattle off a whole novel in a week.

Hug

[Aurora-auspice]

Is it apathy? Or a sort of impossible to overcome procrastination brought about by extreme distraction? Creativity, feeling motivated by a lifelong dream and still procrastinating to such an extreme extent was one of my problems and turned out to be ADHD/Aspergers as underlying conditions to extreme depression and anxiety. Although we are driven to hide our innermost being and dark humiliating experiences in order to conform and be accepted in society (sometimes only our own perception and sense of perfectionism or normality that makes us think they are dark or humiliating or the grief and trauma we suffer and feel should be strong enough to cope with alone). But no matter the reason it is easier and more effective to find a TRUSTED professional, doctor, psychologist, counsellor and if can focus enough through the debilitating effects of depression research sites of people suffering these things see if their experiences resonate with you. When that happens you can get the right help to get through the overwhelming hopelessness and feeling of futility that drives us to suicidal behaviour and or ideation!

I have believed my entire life that the problems I have in everyday functioning are just a matter of willpower, motivation, education, self-help and determination all of which I have in abundance!!! Although I did more hours, more work more friendliness more etiquette and manners than most people I still could not overcome the attention problems and extreme sensitivity so ended up debilitated by depression!!! With help and referrals from my doctor and psychologist and through a lot of heartache I am finally not trying to kill myself at every turn. It is partly because of the right mess - finally. BUT in my case it is finally knowing whomI am and how my genetic inheritance affects me! Hearing how others have coped both those that have known since childhood and those like me that have only found out as adults!

It probably isn't the same for you but there are so many possible underlying complications and unless you explore the possibility you don't know what you are missing and life feels too hard! You know extreme emotion, traumatic effect of events past and present, drug use, alcoholism even malnutrition can lead to imbalance in the chemicals that make up our neurology and like a long wavy pattern of dominoes on their end when set off tipping one against the other to provide a chain reaction and flow of energy to move an impulse along a synapse if even one is out of alignment or missing it effects the way the message gets through if more than one is missing it may prevent it getting through at all or seeking another route! Anti-depressants or nutritional advice or other medication thyroxine for example may be one of the things that just flip the switch back and make things feel 'normal' and fully functioning even allow flashes of brilliance that before felt like ghosts of ideas on the tip of your tongue that just would not transfer themselves to action and onto paper!

Keep fighting search out good help it is worth it I promise even if you have to be patient!!!

[Aurora-auspice]

One of the best things I did was joining up to groups like this and listening to shared experiences and the experiences that can lead to them and different successes in overcoming parts or all of the problems, and those just starting, for me cyclical lapses in to the depths of the pit of despair were of major interest as that has been my experience too! Much love Aurora x

[coatpin]

then you need to return to the gp, your tablets are in need of changing, or increasing the dose. The chemicals needs raising to put back the seratone in your brain. so it can fuction better. Its fine tune ing, good luck take better care.

Dont forget people with depression can and do suffer from extreem fatigue syndrome.

[Photogeek]

Hi there, you seem to be still quite Depressed, and motivation goes during a deep depression. David Burns said in his Cognitive Behavioural Treatment book to remember, that Action Comes before Motivation. You must do something even if you do not feel like it.

I know this feelng so well and I am sure when your Depression is on the mend your Motivation and joie de vivre will come back. Also some antidepressants work on the motivation receptors in the brain. I have forgotten the details but more or less , you will get motivation back when your depression decreases. Maybe make a little list for every day.

Write something for 30 mins. You may hate it but do it and then before you know it you will be itching to write. When I feel like this I take all my paints out, get my water out, sketch something and I try and act as if I was a normal person who paints, not a depressive who lacks motivation, and it fools my brain. Once I warm up I start to enjoy it.

Hope this is of some help, as I constantly have to battle this.

Hannah x

[Sherston]

I used to write too but yeh, lost all meaning? I certainly understand that.

What now eh?