where to start? when will it all end?

[nbuzz21]

where to start?

that is a question.

i finally reached out, i made the first move. i knew i needed help but didnt know where to turn. and then the 23rd Dec 2012 was the day i realised that something needed to be done ASAP. had a petty argument with my husband, all because he wouldn't spoon me on the bed as he was going to get in the shower as we had friends coming round for drinks and i snapped. shouting crying throwing things emptied my draws and wardrobe packed everything into suitcases grabbed a packet of paracetamol and a bottle of vodka walked out with my bags gulping vodka and swallowing tablets as i walked, where i was going i couldn't tell you i was just letting my head takeover and letting my legs walked. i could here my husband 200 yards behind me shouting me, "stop! where are you going?" the truth is i wanted everything to end i wanted everything to be fixed. i ended up by the train line the walkway was on go i left my bags and started to walk along the line. my husband followed and dragged me off the line within seconds the walkway was on red to stop anyone from crossing it could have all ended there but my husband saved me. is this what i really wanted? i still dont know.

what was wrong with me?

he persuaded me to come home cradled me in his arms told me everything was going to be ok. frozen cold put me in the shower phoned my mum and i just melted i didn't want to speak to anyone i fell to the floor in the shower i couldn't take any more. i just wanted to die i couldn't take any more stress any more lies. i just gave up on life. the only way to fix things if i wasn't here.

that year that had passed should have been a year to remember, i got married in September to the love of my life. my gorgeous husband who now is still standing by me no matter what reality is i know he could do soo much better and doesn't need the hassle of me. i am now in very deep depression been through counselling on tablets and suffer from anxiety all because of this..

time to get it all off my chest.

2011 My nan turned 70, was supposed to be a great celebration that's when it all fell apart.

most of my family live in Scotland, my mum dad and sister now live in Leicestershire after my dad being posted down here when we were younger with work.

so my sister had gone up to my nans for her birthday due to work i couldn't get time off, so it was my sister and her friend who went up, apparently they had a great meal etc then there was a little surprise party back at my nans couple of drinks had been consumed then my sister went out a she had arranged to go out with this women who i used to call my aunty, but after this woman had cheated on my uncle and messed his head heart and life up my family wasn't too keen apart from my mum and dad, my other uncle had said to my sister couldn't you have arranged it another night and not on your nans 70th birthday shes only 70 once etc. (can you blame him? NO) anyway things got messy from what i was told no violence thou.

anyway my sister had come home early acting the innocent one and the victim, truth is i wasn't told any of what had happened by my parents all i got told was that she was verbally abused. end of.

nobody was telling me anything.

all i got that week is that my family were contacting each other through email.

me being me thought fine i will see for myself what has gone on? if nobody tells me anything i will find out myself.

logged onto my mums account

had a look read we were protecting the kids like you did.

ay? has my dad or mum had an affair?

rang my nan asked if anyone had had an affair?

no she said why did you say that ...

then i checked my dads account

scrolled down

hang on that's my aunty

oh there lots from her

lets read them..

"i love you i really do"

"you are a great women to bring up them boys all by yourself i love you i really do"

"i want to love and caress your body all night long"

WHAT?!?!?

that's my dad and my mums brothers EX partner.

what the hell?!

that's why my dad was standing by this women backing her up. saying that the family in Scotland where evil.

but really he was having it off with her.

what do you do?

phone rings .. my other aunty trying to convince me that nobody had an affair.

then i just melted and started shouting crying swearing at her.

did i really read that or was i making it up.

checked again no i was reading it over and over again. how can this be of all the people to have an affair with it had to of been here that WITCH!

I just seen red. my heart broke what the hell was i supposed to do.

my mum in a few weeks was going in for another operation to correct procedures from previous. which played a big part of my childhood, as my mum went in for a standard operation and had a lot of complications which left her very ill for months on end and scars for the rest of her life.

by this time i kept it to myself and my husband to be at the time and my aunty as i didnt know what to do with this kind of information, i printed it off a copy of the emails that were exchanged. everything was connecting when my dads sister died he was out till the early hours of the morning where was he? who was he with? lets just say, you and i both know. with her. anyway i had finally had enough i text my dad and told him to delete the emails in case somebody else seen them. he came round to my house put on the tears and said it was somebody to talk to etc..

so he let me drive his brand new car bearing in mind i haven't passed my test but wouldn't let my sister drive it even thou she had passed her test 5 years ago. Hmm? guilt?

bombarded with texts from the WITCH ... your my favourite niece i love you soo much... GUILT?

enough was enough i told my mum, she couldn't believe it. i dont know what was said between them but

i got told nothing had happened and nothing was going on.

i later find out that my dad had an affair with my best friends mum when we were younger. nice! and that best friend was coming away to Crete with me and my wedding party to be my bridesmaid. well lets say ex best friend who actually turned up to my wedding who when i got back from the wedding had cut me out of her life for no reason whatsoever. single life maybe jealously? who knows. but came back in contact in Oct for my reception then buggered off again. that's her all over. as she was supposed to be my bride maid but did fuck all for me, didn't bother with dress fittings or hen party's somebody who i knew from a very young age and never apart had walked out of my life and didn't give a shit apart from when money or drink was involved. but was happy to accept the £200 gift that we had bought her for her 21st and being bridesmaid. yep i look stupid now. but hey i gained a GREAT friend and wouldn't change that.

so as you can guess the family have fell apart nobody talks its all snidy comments

you only have one family in life. i am stuck in the middle. i hate the fact that the one person i really wanted at my wedding couldn't be there because of my mum and dad. that was my nan. my nan is like my best friend she has done alot for my family ever since i can remember. when my mum was really ill at the beginning she packed her bags and brought my pap who was very ill and moved down to England just to help my dad out with me and my sister. she put clothes on our backs from an early age when we moved down here as my mum and dad had no money. she was my rock. my fairy god mother.

i just cant handle the fact that this has all happened. i cant talk to anybody about how i am feeling because all i do is cry. i find it hard to pick up the phone and call anyone. i find it hard to talk to my husband because alot of people play parts in why i feel like this i feel let down.

even my sister, still doesn't talk to my family up there still sticking by the witch and didnt believe me about all the emails she goes up to Scotland to see her and walks right past my family with her baby who they haven't even met yet. how bad is that? and has a perfect life and family, with a mortgage through her boyfriend and gorgeous baby who i love no matter what. where me and my husband who have been saving like mad are still in rented property just makes me sick. some days i dont get out of bed i am currently off work due to depression and anxiety and i still dont feel ready to go back to work.

i feel i have let alot of people down and that if i go away then the family feud may fix. fairy tales hey who ever invented them as they never are a happy ever after ending. i wish i could open up and talk about these feelings but its soo hard and where do you start? i have a lot of anger inside me but i am too tired of fighting now. i have no strength left inside me to do it. i just want it all over with somebody to come and take this pain away. to mend my broken heart to stop my chest pains. to give me some breath some energy. i dont want to feel numb any more. i want to be able to make it through the day without crying. i want to be able to get out of bed and get dressed. i just dont know where to turn now i really dont counselling didnt help, i need more than that. somebody to erase my memory.

theres so much more to this blog but right now thats all i can write i have nothing left to give in life its so hard as i have a great family around me trying to support me i have a perfect husband who i love dearly but not even that is keeping me afloat from all the bad thoughts rushing through my head any more.

[Suzie40]

You need to remember that nothing that happened between your father and these women was your fault. You've done nothing wrong. Family secrets have a horrible habit of rearing their ugly heads at the most inconvenient of times. It was wrong of you to look at your parents' email accounts without ther permission and you'd have been spared a lot of hurt, had you not chosen to. However what's done is done and now you need to try and move on. It's great that you have support in the form of a kind and caring hubby. You must continue to talk to him and share you're feeling. Take care x

[TheAdr]

Dear nbuzz21,

you have found where to start and you have taken the first step. You have shared your feelings. This is the most important thing to do. When one is stressed, one needs to give ventilation to the emotions and thoughts building up. i can understand that all these things are coming fast on to you. It is all getting mixed up and bizarre and just creating those bad feeling and feelings of burn out.

Lets slow this down. Lets take one point at a time and talk about it. Then we will take each point one by one. Do not keep everything on your head. It is not supposed to be kept on your head all the time.Do we remember the kinder garden fights we made with our friends and how much we cried. We forget and we move on. The main thing is trying to move on. In the beginning you may find a little hard to take the first step. Once you take that, all this will be way behind.

Write on a piece of paper then prioritize your problems. What is more important for you? your husband, your family life or things going around in your other family? Lot of bad things happen around us, many a times involving us but it does not mean that we take all the stress of those things.

You know that you cannot control how other people behave. You are not responsible for their deeds. But you can control yourself. You are a grown up girl now and your family life,i mean your husband and you, takes priority over other things. Your happiness and peace rests in your hands. You are lucky you have such a caring and loving husband. Not many women in the world have husbands like yours. And your husband is very lucky to have you too, you are just having a bad patch and it will be over soon.

Do you feel like crying? Go to the washroom and cry. Do not stop it when it is naturally coming. After u have cried u will feel better. You want to abuse that WITCH? go to the washroom and abuse your heart out, say whatever you want to say, do not keep it inside, You will feel better.

To do things.

1.Write on a piece of paper then prioritize your problems.

2.Go to the washroom and cry.

3.You want to abuse that WITCH? go to the washroom and abuse your heart out.

Get back to me and tell how it feels when you are done. There are more things to do but we will move step by step.

Regards,

Ali