Can't escape job stress

[Gandolfication]

The recurring and traumatic pattern in the story of my life is working as hard as I know how to do the best I can in competitive corporate legal technology jobs but just not quite being able to keep up and keep myself focused enough on the really bracing tedious and boring challenging parts for me.

In November I closed my complex civil law practice and took what in some ways is the job of a lifetime with the longtime global industry leader in legal research and now artificial intelligence technology for law firms.

I've spent my entire career either using this technology or working for these types of organizations doing sales consulting for Law firms.

This job is the highest paying job I have ever had which I very badly needed and I am working from home which has definite upsides.

But it's so insanely fast moving and so many of the company's systems internally are ridiculously arcane, difficult, I am not yet well trained on, and so labyrinthine that I spend half my days trying to find where to get information or who to talk to to solve customer problems.

Meanwhile, I am not hitting the other key performance indicators.

I'm up again until 1:30 a.m. working on this on a Sunday night.

I've had so very many late nights and early mornings in this role already trying to keep up to speed, preparing live trainings that I give to large groups of lawyers, who can sometimes be ultra demanding themselves.

I evaluated moving to a training position but the compensation scale was not close. Luckily a manager last week reached out to me about a solutions consultant position where the compensation is on par. I'm going to apply for that. I feel like my current boss must think I am a fickle wastel who gives up in the face of adversity.

I don't. But the truth is I'm just desperate to survive and this engulfs my entire life, and not only do I feel in almost constant anxiety, almost to the point of panic the whole time. I'm doing this job and then when I'm not doing I'm thinking and worrying about it, but I also deeply resent that I kind of feel like I'm being set up for failure in some ways or that I'm just too dumb to figure out or be able to manage the nuances of this. And so I am rapidly burning out.

I'm working with a therapist who is good at the intersection of religious trauma syndrome and EMDR.

This is good stuff. I just hope I can hang on long enough to make real change and maybe finally conquer some of these demons and resolve something.