hope may be here!

[DonnaEll]

I want this. I am in the darkest place I have ever been. I have lost my mom, my youngest son and everything I have ever owned. I don’t even have my car anymore. My mood is either blackness or panic over nothing. I need help soon or I’m not going to be able to survive.

[litethatnevergoesout]

Donna you’re experiencing an exceptional amount of loss… my heart goes out to you. you’re in my thoughts and there are people who care. I care. I’m sorry for your situation. Keep that hope. I too am going through the hardest part of my life. it may be harder down the road. I hope you can live peaceably even during this dark hour.

[Chanelbaron]

one day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. Do some deep breathing and walks can help too. Can u see a therapist? Or a priest. To talk of your losses. Hold on. Things get better. It takes patience. And love for yourself After all this trauma. You r brave. You are lovable.

[DonnaEll]

I am in therapy and I see a psychiatrist as well for medication. Just haven’t found the right cocktail yet. In better days, I was on Zoloft, but after 20 some odd years it stopped working.

[Pilsner123 in reply to DonnaEll]

Zolfoft doesn't work for me either. Keep trying for the right medication.

[Montana136]

Hi DonnaEll,

The medication dance can take a long time some things work better than others some things don't work as long it is a process that you must be very patient with. I'm sorry you're feeling so so down I know it's difficult I've had many days where I didn't feel like I could go on. Joining this website talking to people who have experienced thoughts and feelings and emotions that I have is comforting. You will find relief sometimes it just takes going through the darkness to get to the light. I've had severe major depressive episodes for over 50 years now. Some of them have been really bad and dark. Currently I have just started to try and recover from a really bad episode that interfered and my parenting my child. It was a very sad distressing situation because I became depressed and I could not take care of her. She became very angry with me and she did not understand why I put her with my mother so for the last 6 years since she's been at my mother's house she's been either hating me for rude to me or cold and distant. I just keep being nice cuz I want to heal with her. this is been going on for years and I've just decided I'm tired of being sad over this. And I started taking baby steps little tiny things to make myself feel better to encourage myself. And I work very hard on trying to stop beating myself up everyday. Self care self love self-respect go a long way to helping you feel confident and better. That's what I did. A little bit of work everyday a little bit of Mercy for your own self even if it's just an hour of mercy. I wish you luck and feel better please. Be well

Montana

[DonnaEll in reply to Montana136]

Thank you so much for the words of hope. I have endogenous Depression my whole life and after finding a medication that worked , I took it for twenty some years until it stopped working. So I’ve been trying different medication cocktails for four or five years now with no success. So I just keep hanging on by a thread in the darkness. I’m so sorry your daughter doesn’t understand, but I believe someday she’ll get it and you both will heal. Just keep praying on it!

[Pilsner123]

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Have you tried antidepressants? I know it might seem really hard now, but have you considered volunteering - esp. w/ animals? They are very loving and need our help. They don't judge.

[Montana136]

Hi Donna ell, I was just checking to see how you were feeling. We were talking about medication and I just wanted to inform you my medications have been antidepressants anti-anxiety medications and some mood stabilizers. Those are the prescriptions I have been trying since I have major depression, generalized anxiety and ptsd. I am not sure what your diagnosis is but I did notice in my course that taking a medication that worked for a very long time can quit working. I got a new psychiatrist and she mentioned to me that I may have treatment resistant depression. She put me on a combination of meds that seem to make a bit of difference however at the same time I took action and resolved a very pressing personal issue by talking it out with with the other person.. I am positive doing that also gave me relief. She put me on fluoxetine and olanzapine. Like I said I suffer major depression I do not know your diagnosis. But there is hope it usually takes 5 weeks for some medications to get into your system. And of course then it takes time to see if they help or work. It was weird but often I could not tell if they were actually working for me until I tried to reduce dosage and then I noticed yes, to some degree they were helping. Suficive to say 35 plus years later while I feel medication is helpful I find that working on healing and trauma and loss and grief is pretty much required in addition to medicine. Done a lot of reading about mental illness specifically the ones that I have I've tried a lot of exercises deep breathing which sounds silly but really affects your amygdala where all your primitive emotions occur. I've been researching. I practice as many exercises as I can possibly do when I can possibly do them. After all these years of suffering me symptoms and getting severely depressed I realize that I always end up looking for a way out and striving and getting better. You have some self-awareness and that is a benefit to you. Maybe read some information about the grief process and see if it resonates and you may find some relief in someone else's writing. I wish you well I hope the best you will rise again. Take care be wellMontana. Sorry my posts are so long I don't know why that is I can't seem to write something quick.

[Montana136]

Quick note, Paxil and Effexor Sr seemed to have positive effects. But possible to have some side effects. Take careMontana

[Cookie2217]

Hi Donna. For the past 4 years I have been in the deepest darkest depression that I have ever experienced in my lifetime. It started right before covid and I did cognitive behavior therapy that was free online but the therapist and I didn't really connect well so it didn't really help much. This past year of 2003 I've lost my job and then my home and I'm now living in my sister's basement so the only place I have to go now is up from here because last year brought me to my knees. My husband and I are moving to Florida in September and it's both exciting and scary at the same time because I'm leaving behind everyone and everything I've ever known to start a new adventure in our life. I have family and friends to assist with our transition to the Florida lifestyle. I am going to start sending my resume to Florida now as I want to have a job before I move because it will stress me out if I go there without one. After losing my job and my house I also lost my car and had to take my entire pension out in order to buy another one which I paid out right because I didn't want to have any car payments and the rest of the money will go towards a down payment for our house in Florida as I want to own and not rent so this will never happen again to us not being able to pay our bills. I've been looking into online positions remote work from home that could possibly transition with me down to Florida as well so I'm looking into solutions and outcomes ahead of time so I never wind up in this situation again. I think I'm beginning to turn a corner and see a glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel as I am beginning to care more about getting up in the morning getting ready and getting to work on time. For the last 8 months that I've lived in my sister's basement it has primarily been in complete darkness and I've been completely incapacitated and debilitated by wanting to stay in bed all day and all night due to the increased depression. The medication that I'm on no longer is working and I'm calling my doctor in order to work that out. I'm a bit frustrated as well because I have no health insurance and I haven't since February of 2023 since I lost my state job and therapy or psychiatrist out of pocket just isn't doable for me financially at this time. I find this forum as well as the one for anxiety and depression in the hub are very helpful to me because there are people that know exactly how I feel from one moment to the next. I feel that connecting with my peers that also suffer from major depression disorder is so important because I'd rather hear advice from somebody that's been through it then someone sitting across the desk who is giving me meaningless feedback who has no idea how I feel. I guess that's why certified alcohol and drug counselors that are in recovery are so successful because people can identify with them that are trying to recover from drug and alcohol problems. The same boats well for people with mental health disorders because who better than to guide them then others who have been there and done that and have meaningful trustworthy advice for us to follow on how they themselves were able to dig themselves out of a hole of darkness. I know that this sounds so cliche but please try to hold on a little longer and I hope that something in my resonates with you and allows you to know that there are caring compassionate people on this forum that truly feel for you as a person and a fellow sufferer of depression. Just knowing that you're not alone helps. Please feel free to contact me anytime to talk as I am really good at being a listener and trying to help others because it makes me feel good knowing that I was able to make someone feel a little better. I just so wish I could do the same for myself and as they say follow my own advice so to speak but at times I'm my own worst enemy. I struggle with self-esteem issues and self-loathing due to childhood trauma as I was abused as a child by my mother who is an alcoholic and I was her target as she psychologically emotionally and verbally abused me for years calling me names for no reason other than yelling from the bottom of a Scotch bottle. My father physically abused me when I was younger and did absolutely nothing when my mother was doing this and rather than help me went to bed and ignore the entire situation instead of helping me he left me alone to deal with it by myself. Due to the abuse I suffer from self esteem issues and self-loathing and so wish I could learn to love myself more but I'm learning to do so day by day because we only have one life to live and we might as well make this one count. In our deepest darkest hours we always feel that we have nothing to offer and nothing to look forward to and give in to the darkness that surrounds us and it's so hard to see things in a new light when everything seems so bleak. Please know that I care about how you feel and want to know how you're doing. Please reach out to me when you are feeling up to it looking forward to hearing from you and wishing you peace and well-being.