Here’s Johnny!

i’m 53 years old it would be impossible for me to tell my story which starts probably somewhere in preschool. I have an amazing 19-year-old son, who just finished his first year of college and we have a great relationship. He inspired me to get in the best shape of my life right now so I’m always out playing basketball with people half my age or running on the boardwalk and I’ve been eating better found a way to almost quit sugar completely docs orders lost 25 pounds but mentally I am still a complete cluster fuck of depression and sadness and despair and suicidal ideations and loneliness and I miss female companionship that I’ve always had in my life and I’m so secluded and isolated in my neighborhood here in Brooklyn and I fear the night because that’s when the vice tightens even more. And I know I can’t take the drastic measures that run through my head because of my son but my God it’s getting harder to rationalize that. I had a bit of a breakdown. I quit drinking for the most part two years ago, but I went out because I was so fucking depressed and kind of got shitfaced, tried to talk to a few women. It was a shit show and then I just walked myself to the nearest hospital in Brooklyn and they kept me this time. 8 days in the loony bin. With nothing but a gown and PJs and a bunch of folks way more off the deep end than I. Lately, it’s been so bad that I said I never wanna go back there but I almost low-key feel like just doing it again because I can’t live with myself alone at home so I have no i-fucking-dea what to do at this point. So that’s a fun story, right?

[jnelson66]

my kids are the only reason I am on this planet. I too hadn’t lost that connection. The disease is winning right now with you and loving that you are stuck in misery. Don’t let it win. It is HUGE that you have the will power to do excercise, eat right and lose weight. In order keep trying to find the right combination of meds, stop the depressant that is booze (I relied on it heavily but did stop and it helped), get therapy, ketamine or psilocybin, tms, ECT and if none of that works Mt Sinai in nyc has treatment resistant MDD program. If you fail that you can be considered for a clinical trial for deep brain stimulation. I was accepted to that and have been in remission from this horrific disease since the day of my surgery on 8/22/22. I am PROOF that this is a brain disease. A constant electrical charge (20% of the power of a AAA battery) constantly to two specific portions of my brain have cured me. Not one suicidal thought since the surgery. I now have motivation. No physical symptoms either.