With lockdown being over, and various premises now being open, I look back at those charming cold winter days filled with dread and uncertainty. Running was even more of an escape than before. Mental/physical saviour. So, there was a particular half marathon run that will forever stay with me, for all the awkward reasons.
Rule number 1. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, drink diuretics before the long run. I had a cup of green tea less than half an hour before I set off, oblivious to the consequences. Why? Dunno. Senior moment, I guess.
Into the 7th km I knew I was in for a long afternoon. Past the 10K mark I started looking for escape routes. I knew that south London route inside out, very urban, no hiding spots. I knew that there would be an alley behind Iceland, approx 3.5km from where I was, near a popular park. London was heaving. Cold but sunny day. Loads of people out but everything was shut. My poor bladder was bursting.
And sure enough, there was Iceland. The alley was empty, a large Iceland truck parked behind, offering a shelter to a wretched and confused runner. As I released a groan of relief I could hear somebody's anger, mid-leak.
'Excuse me!!! What do you think you're doing?!?' That lady was not happy.
Well, I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. A middle aged runner dressed up in the latest garish basketball couture, relieving himself whilst being berated by a very pretty young woman who happened to be living in a converted warehouse apartment next to which I was answering the call of nature.
My apologies and explanations were drowned in her verbal barrage: 'That's not good enough, that is definitely not good enough, how dare you....??!!', while I continued regardless, hoping for the world to end. With the job completed I just apologised profusely once more, arms wide apart, looking her right in the eyes and before she could utter another word I sprinted away like a trained athlete, half my age.
Thinking back, my only other choice was to wet my shorts. Did I do the right thing? Not sure. You tell me. No diuretics for me again, no matter what.
Written by
mrrun
Ultramarathon
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Thank you kindly. I could tell that in the end her eyes lost that anger. I didn't give her extra reasons to get more annoyed with me. I was surprisingly composed in my conversation, even as I spoke during the infamous act. I'd like to believe that she has forgiven me. 😍
Very little worse in life than having to per, and no place to do it.I'd basically have done what you did, but an alternative could be - pee in pants, then empty water bottle all down front to disguise. Your appearance would be bizarre - but less embarrassing than "oh look Mum! That man must have peed in his pants!" Lol
Move to rural France! I've lost count of the number of times I've seen men peeing at the side of the road. I have also done the same myself on several occasions, including today, and I'm female. Admittedly there's little chance of being seen - during today's 24k run, just over 3 hours, I think I only saw four people to speak to, and fewer than ten cars.
Thank you but I think a more sensible approach would be to simply control my liquid intake. Getting ready for this afternoon run I last sipped some water a few hours ago. I don't want any accidents around Hyde Park, lol.
In terms of more serious business I always leave home 'empty'. This afternoon I ran through areas where (if I attempted any such business) I would be in serious trouble. However, the pubs are open which put me at ease in an instant. 👍😀
In that situation, think I'd have taken the alleyway option as well. As you indicated, controlling input is the key. Although it can be tricky getting the balance right.
For long runs, I try and leave a couple of hours before heading out. Think I had it about right on Friday: felt like I could do with a stop but nothing serious (and I drank about 3 pints on the run).
Doesn't help much around a city but I think the psychological effect of having convenient bushes eases the pressure.
Yep, it certainly does. In my case bushes are pubs, and now they are open. When I ran very long runs during the lockdown I planned the routes around major train stations where I could use their facilities. On the day of the 'incident' I was in no man's land between the rock and a hard place where logic indicated that Iceland alleyway was much, much closer than Victoria station. I wouldn't have lasted that long...........😂
We’ve all done it I’ve only ”gone” in the countryside though That’s fraught with difficulty though when the only thing on offer is brambles ☺️ You have my sympathy but you had to go. Lack of loos is a nightmare. Our ones are up for sale !🙄
I have had a nightmare run though, which I hope never to repeat 😫☺️
I’ve learned that a coffee before a run does that to me. Tea doesn’t 🤔 But yes when you’ve got to go you’ve got to go. It’s a natural occurrence and I don't understand why some people are bothered about it. Provided there’s a degree of privacy what’s the big deal?
Most of my runs are in the countryside which usually isn’t a problem but last week, while in Ireland, I struggled to find somewhere to “go” as the farmers’ gates were all locked on one side and on the other there was a dual carriageway! Eventually I found a gap into a field but kept thinking I might still end up on someone’s FB page somehow 😱
Jeez, never thought of that. I could've become an internet hit. I had all the right ingredients - clothes, 'duration', degree of eloquence and composure. She had all the time to record the classic. I'm a one lucky leaker! Lol 😂
Yes I’d agree with that. If there’s a race coffee van I’d have a two shot espresso to get things jumping 😁. I need all the help I can get ☺️ I think they say it kicks in after 16 minutes, I read somewhere 🤔
I don’t drink coffee beyond noon for the same reason it’s a perk for our runs, increased heart rate, twitchy muscles etc….. maybe I’ll take a coffee ☕️ on my next run to have half way as a little boost 😂
I made some raw espresso choc bars once. They were so crumbly before being shaped and refrigerated that I was eating all the crumbs and drinking the spare coffee. I was high on the stuff! Palpitations, racing heart. Crikey. You can have too much of a good thing 😁
I only sip the caffeinated Tailwind on the last part of my marathon
When I was forced to “go” was on a full moon ☺️. Behind a manure pile but there was a housing estate in front of me ☺️ I was wearing yellow fluoro. Man, you could see me from Mars! 😆🙄
That wasn’t the end of it though. Fresh hell was yet to come before I got home 🙈
Still, I learned that what folks said about dock leaves was true Nature’s free Andrex 😎
To her credit, it's a very nice conversion in what previously wasn't the most desirable part of town. I knew there were offices behind the shop but with lockdown in force (as well as that being a weekend) I thought I played it safe. Then again, she may have got annoyed because she just saw yet another runner doing it in that (only available) place (around)? 😉
🙂 just being mischievous!! Everyone will survive the experience; CCTV may be installed soon though! On a slightly serious note, the absence of public facilities during lockdown is a problem for many. I am fortunate to be a woodland runner!
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Now that all establishments are finally open I can relax and enjoy. Lone running in urban areas has its own rules. 
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