Wife is extremely short tempered with me (husband) and I need help

[Bounty17]

Name is Dave and I'm trying so hard to please my wife on anything and I end up saying the wrong words and she explodes with anger at me...help!

[Ianrussell69]

Sorry mate it's hard I myself have connective tissue or lupus my wife attends rumi appointment with me and I think this helps as she is more aware of what can happen I went through denial,anger,fealing sorry for myself and finally acceptance it took about 8 months not going to lie it's hard but I deleve it's harder during this time for the family ,it will get better when Meds sorted out (the Meds can make you feal lousy befor you feal better 3. To 6 months) I was worrying about work time off how long can I go on working just be ther and listen to your wife this is what my wife did for me get your wife to sign up on this site there are members how know a great deal about auto immune issues and will help this site really helped helps me even when she wants to vent her anger at fealing ill people will chat I'm not one for talking about to people but I can on this site it helps when you are frustrated same for you people have seen it been through it they will help you best of luck ian

[Hidden]

Could she be menopausal?

[Jan101]

Hi Dave

I am truly sorry to read posts. Would it be possible for you to tell her how you are feeling. 🤔

Maybe if you speak to her and tell her that you are doing what you can to please her she might realise and be a bit more understanding.

She might not realise that she is doing this to you as she is feeling ill 😷.

If she does not listen to you then maybe go with her and speak to your gp or someone that can help both off you. It best not to leave things the way they are because it may only get worse.

I truly feel for you and I can fully understand how you are feeling it must be so difficult.

I truly wish you all the best and I hope that you manage to get things sorted. Take good care of yourself my friend. 🤗🤗🌸🌺🌹🌷xxxx

[Bounty17 in reply to Jan101]

Thanks...i truly believe it the lupus talking and it has really taken over her mood. I'm far from perfect....its when I say something stupid, it triggers anger really bad and there's no talking or reasoning with her except leave her alone for 3 days. It hurts me to see her this way and there's nothing I can do but let her cool off

[Jan101 in reply to Bounty17]

I think that you are right it's definitely her illness and I truly feel for her as well as it must be absolutely horrible for her to go through such a great deal of pain.

You sound absolutely amazing husband and someone needs to be there to help you to.

Once she is feeling better maybe then you could speak to her and tell her how you are feeling. I am sure that she would understand. Fingers crossed 🤞. I truly wish you both well and take good care of yourself my friend. 🤗🤗🌺🌹🌷🌸xxx

[sarahsch]

Hi Dave,

Sorry you are having a ruff time. Sounds like you are a caring husband.

This is probably the lupus talking & not your wife, so try not to take it personally (easier said than done!).

Perhaps she needs some space. Make sure you do your usual household chores. Ask if she wants help with anything, and then back-off.

When she is feeling better & back to your wife, sit down together & tell her what happened & how hard you found it as she probably won't know.

Good luck,

Sarah

[Bounty17]

Thank you for the advise...I'll take it to heart

[Lupiknits]

You are a caring hubby x

[MargaretGail]

Has your wife had any counselling? I know it's not for everyone but it worked wonders for me.

[puffyface]

Hi Dave. You sound like a very lovely husband. I have one of them too, but at times know that I'm being really unfair on him. I have various auto immunes and one of the things I've noticed when I'm having a period of extreme fatigue and constant aching, is that I get very grumpy. It's not an excuse, but try to bear with her. If you could sit and have a chat about how she's feeling and what you can do about it and then explain how her anger makes you feel, maybe she will hear you. We did this recently, and whilst I know it's not going to make me a smiley, happy person every day...it does make me think about trying to be more tolerant.

This morning my patience was not at it's best. My son came home from school with suitcases of dirty washing (and assumes it's easy to have it all clean and ready for him to go to London on Monday) and my poor husband just mentioned the 'mother in law'...and that was it! Anyway, I've sent them both out to watch younger son playing cricket, while I calmly...and slowly...get through what needs to be done so that I can have a sleep and be nice to everyone this evening.

I do think that Lupus is a really horrid thing. I look normal most of the time (although my face is very red) and so it's hard to know how it affects us. Pain and tiredness does take a real toll and I'm sure that this is what's causing your wife to be angry. However, she also has to know how it's making you feel...because you're in it together.

Good luck. I hope you both feel better. x

[nanleighh]

Hi Dave, I think many times that people lash out like that is because of their own fears and anxiety. Having a diagnosis of lupus is extremely scary. You don't know what to expect or how far it's going to progress and what organs are going to be involved. And some days you feel like you just can't hardly even move let alone function. Also lupus can attack our nervous system and depression and anxiety are very common symptoms of this. There are treatments and medications that can help. I would lovingly encourage her to talk to her doctor about this. I was on anti anxiety medications (Lexapro)for a few years and it really helped. Being supportive is also extremely important, because unless you have it you can't understand how physically draining this chronic illnesse is. Anxiety and fatigue can cause people to become short tempered and lash out. I hope that you too can have a heart-to-heart about how she's really feeling, and you can let her know how you're feeling as well and how it's affecting you. Hopefully she can get to her doctor and talk to him or her about her fears and symptoms. Take care and best of luck to you and your wife. Nan

[Bounty17 in reply to nanleighh]

I thank u for this..she's seeing numerous doctors for this andcwe recently found out that she has cancer of the cervix and uterus so that adds more fuel to the fire. I'm trying everything I can, trust me.

[nanleighh in reply to Bounty17]

Wow you both really have a lot to deal with, no wonder she is having so much anxiety, anyone would.

[Bounty17 in reply to nanleighh]

Thanks

[Sheole]

Take care of yourself. Talk to her doctor. Talk to your doctor get counselling for yourself. Be there for her but to do that you need support. Thinking of you both.

[alice_sportyauthor]

Lots going on.

Sometimes we expect too much of those closest to us, expect them to be mind readers etc. Sometimes we try to protect those closest to us. It all makes it difficult to communicate well.

You can't 'see' what's going on with her illnesses, maybe actually say, I want to help but I can't always see when you need help or guess what the right thing to do is, please help me to help you.

I guess the grumpyness and snapping won't go away completely because of the amount of things going on, but maybe you can find away for it to be less and not drag on.

Maybe you both need to speak to people outside the situation who can help. The Red Cross have volunteers who help support the carers, which it sounds like you are or will be soon.

Keep talking, and good luck

[pixiewixie]

Hello Dave, I am so sorry to hear of the anguish & illnesses that you & your wife are dealing with. Dave your wife is desperate, she is coping with so much & she is in a place of confusion, emotional & physical pain & does not know where to turn. You are probably the only person that she gets cross with because you are her other half & she is dependent on you. I believe she is cross more with herself & her illnesses than you but does not want to / cannot communicate this to you. I understand because I have been there ... in a place where your body has lost its health & instead of hope receive even more physical problems. Tell her you are there for her & that you care. Your wife has lost her health, she is very fragile & vulnerable & is unable to express this to you. I understand how difficult things are for you, you are a good husband. Right now communication is important & awareness of what the shouting represents. I feel you may have to be the leader & see way beyond what appears as shouting to understand this is pain & your wife perhaps has no other way of telling you. Dave I am thinking of you both, make time for each other & let her know that you may not have pain but that you can understand how sad & frightened she is. Be there for her Dave, be gentle & let her understand your hurting when she shouts & how she makes you feel. Dave right now she needs you more than you will ever know. I am sorry if I have been too invasive in talking of your relationship. I wish both of you strength & an understanding that even the strongest people need to know they are cared for in spite of illnesses & anguish. Take care Dave, I hope your wife understands how much you are there for her. Peace & Love to you both, Pixiewixie.