Strange question about adoption...and lupus

Hi, I just wondered if anyone here has experience of adoption and having lupus?? I want to know if it is possible or if I would be declined straight away due to having lupus and aps?

I have 2 small children aged 1yr and 4 years but I'd love to have more children but am too scared of the risks with having aps. Have been so lucky to have my 2 beautiful children and don't want to risk anything happening to me or a baby. I wouldn't want to leave my 2 without a mother so cannot take that risk.

So has anyone here adopted or know of anyone that has when having this type of illness?

I know it's a strange question but I think about it all the time and want to know if they will just say no as soon as they find out I have these medical problems.

My 2 children are so lucky and so well cared for I'd love to be able to give that to other children too. Yes some days I do struggle but my children are number one and they do not suffer because of my problems, and I worry that people will think I couldn't manage anymore children but what's the difference in us adopting than me becoming pregnant again?!

5 Replies

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  • Hello Sara. I have no experience or advice re the adoption process so can't help there.

    Going from 2 kids to 3 kids is a physically and mentally demanding jump! I struggled a bit to cope when my #3 was little, something I never experienced with #1, #2 or #4. I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me when one day my aunt (who had 11 kids!!) asked me how I was coping. I told her I felt silly complaining to someone like her but in all honesty I was struggling. She agreed with me, she said out of all her 11 kids going from 2 to 3 was the worst!

    I don't mean to discourage you because 'the more the merrier' in my opinion and we love every minute with our 4 but just wanted to say make sure you are in a strong position physically and mentally before taking it on!

  • Hello Sarah,

    I'm not sure if you are UK based, but NHS Choices has a brief introduction to the general approach here

    nhs.uk/Livewell/adoption-an...

    In general, I think the answer regarding a SLE diagnosis would be that it would be assessed functionally, just as other health conditions would be, and in the wider context of the support your family network can offer, rather than as a blanket YES/NO based on a diagnostic label.

    As a child therapist, I was involved in many cases of adoption breakdown. As you know, there are *lots* of things to consider in addition to your health status. (For example, having young children of your own will have a major impact on the situation).

    I'd recommend talking to an organisation like Adoption UK. You might also like to think about fostering?

    Mx

  • I have 3 adopted children and it certainly isn't an easy route to take. I adopted mine pre lupus. I went through the process on 3 separate occasions as a single person and the assessment takes your health into account in a large way because parenting adopted children takes vast amounts of resilience,energy and health. I have struggled at times with my declining health and because of the children's varying needs it has been tricky. I would urge you to look carefully at the impact on your children too. Sorry I am sounding negative but it is a rocky road with adopted children and with an illness that can flare with stress and the fatigue levels it is a challenge. Adopted children have experienced abuse and trauma and this impacts every ounce of their functioning,sometimes love is not enough. The other thing to consider is social services often require there to be atleast a 2 year and sometimes 4 year age gap between your youngest and the adopted child.

    If you are determined to do it they will want medical reports to ensure you are in remission or very stable.You will need a medical with an appointed doctor, the approval panel will also weigh this up before you are approved to adopt. Every aspect of your life is scrutinised and your support network will be asked about how you cope with your illness and everything else. it is a long drawn out process, quite invasive and frustrating at times but social workers and the panels have to try and ensure they are placing the children with the best possible families and more loss for these children would be devastating. Hope all that makes sense. If you want to know anymore please feel free to send me a pm and I will try and answer your questions.

  • Wise words, rolybear X

  • Defiantly look at adoption/ fostering rules. Your health will have some impact, like they want to make sure you are capable of taking care of another. Not only will they take the child's well being into account but also yours! Depending on the age children tend to catch/ carry illnesses easier so a child may make you sick. I really don't see why they should refuse you, especially since you are already a mother unless you are in a flare up when they come to check you out.

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