I've now had my abdomen and pelvis scan as well as the CT guided biopsy. Received an appointment to see the oncologist on 25th July. Finished antibiotics a week last Thursday - they helped a bit. GP gave me a codine linctus which I take for work and to help me sleep- helps suppress the awful cough. I'm on reduced hours at work for the rest of the month - just means I'm doing a full day's work in half a day but it's good to be busy! Get home and then start spring cleaning the house which I know I shouldn't be doing as it's exhausting but have a burning need to get everything sorted and organised in case I won't be able to do it soon.
In the main I am coping and functioning - told a member of the HR team at work to make sure I do what I'm supposed to. Told two colleagues and of course my husband. I don't want to tell anyone else but I suppose if treatment causes my hair to fall out, I will have to!
I'm embarrassed and ashamed to have lung cancer - it's my fault I have it and I'm about to put my family and friends through hell. Tears threaten at the most inappropriate times then when I take time out for myself to have a good cry, no tears come, and I so need to have a good cry!
On top of all that, just to make me feel even worse about myself, I am still smoking despite being given support to stop. Sometimes I think I'm in denial about my diagnoses, other times that it's the end of the road so what difference. I'm not eating very healthily either. Why am I not fighting this with all my usual determination and energy - is it because I don't feel I deserve to live? Then I think of my poor children left without a mother and I get a physical pain in my heart. I want to make memories with them but I'm so tired and unable to walk far. My husband is coping by carrying on as normal - taking the cue from me I guess. He's working every hour he can, probably due to knowing he'll have to scale back in the near future (self employed builder). I told him of my diagnosis on23rd June and we haven't spoken about it since - it's not that he's unsupportive - I'm usually in bed by the time he gets home or he's flaked out on the sofa from being knackered. I think we both suffer from burying our heads in the sand - if we don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist and keeping busy diverts your thoughts.
I've cried writing this so it has been cathartic. I took myself off to a beach for some time out because I felt the balloon inside me would burst.
Ready to face another day now.
Apologies to you all for having to read what I can't say to my nearest and dearest - you have become my confidants and a place where I can let off steam. My apologies are because you all have so much going on too . X