Good morning friends...what a week this has been. Going for brain scans and waiting for results, finding out my brother has been hospitalized in a neighboring state for extreme alcohol poisoning/seizures and now alcohol withdrawal; and trying to not over discuss this infidelity thing with my husband while waiting for counseling to start...it’s been a bit much. I’m sure I told everyone that I have a trip to Bermuda scheduled for the 28th of this month. I planned a solo cruise to get away and have some time to myself to think. Well, yesterday I was offered the opportunity to do a back to back cruise and stay on the same ship, in the same stateroom, for 14 days instead of 7. Of course I took it and the husband is not thrilled. He doesn’t get why I need the time away from him. I told him he’s lucky I don’t hire a babysitter while I’m gone and to be glad I’m allowing him to stay in our condo while I’m waiting to decide what I want to do. Most women, by this SECOND time, since marrying ...would have thrown him out. I’ve been asked by the one other person who knows about this situation if I was actually using this as “revenge travel” lol. I dont know. Maybe I am. Maybe I want him to feel what it would be like if I wasn’t around. That’s the main reason for choosing a cruise. Because the contact will be quite limited while I’m floating around the ocean. Is that childish and petty? Maybe. But how childish is starting a “thing” with a 20 year old child when you’re a grandfather of four and almost a senior citizen? I don’t care how good a shape he’s in and that his physique rivals that of any 25 year old. You’re still 54 and this girl is younger than our youngest child. Gross. Anyway...as you can see, I’m still a tad perturbed. Until I hear from the psychiatrist that these behaviors can change and it’s not imbedded in his character to be/stay a cheater..well then bitter party of one it will be. I guess when he cheated when we were dating at 19 and 25 should have been a red flag. I chalked it up to immaturity. When it happened again 2 years after my cancer diagnosis, while still in treatment, should have been red flag number 2. Because it happened a third time, no matter how far apart they’ve been...I have to question whether this was a mistake or a pattern. Poor choices or a character flaw. I guess I’ll just know when I know. In the meantime, I’m gonna make it all about me and what I need to move past this. Am I being selfish?
Feels like a soap opera that’s about t... - Lung Cancer Support
Feels like a soap opera that’s about to be cancelled
My heart goes out to you and I'm wishing you good results on your upcoming brain MRI/Scan.
I'm very sorry for all the personal "stuff" you also have going on in your life. Happy to hear you are seeking counseling and I truly hope it helps you. Living with cancer is hard enough, I can imagine doing it and dealing with all the other things going on in your life. You are a far more forgiving woman than I am, because I would have "booted" my husband out the door if he was ever was unfaithful to me! Trust, loyalty and honesty are vital to me and my well being and I could not ever be in a relationship where those values did not exist. It's really upsetting to me to think that you had to endure this, especially while you are battling such a difficult illness.
Please take care and be well,
Lisa
Thanks Lisa. I actually just got more information from the “girl” today. As it turns out he told her many many lies and she was under the impression that we were now just “roommates”. His deceptions get worse by the day. I’m disgusted. Thank you for responding. I need strength from wherever I can get it right now. Xoxo
Happy that your MRI was clear! Hope you have a wonderful trip - you deserve it! 😎
Thanks 😊😊. The physical stuff has been easy for me. It’s this other crap that has me in tatters.
And on a side note...my brain mri was clear. The 13 lumps on my head, under the scalp but on top of the skull...are cysts. I can have them removed or leave them be but they are not life threatening. That’s what we were worried about. Also, my jackass husband had to have a mammogram yesterday. He found a lump under his right nipple and was worried it was cancer. Turns out it’s just some sort of benign hormonal tumor/growth from all the supplements he takes for the purpose of his working out. I guess having such a good physique comes with consequences. Too bad being a lying rat doesn’t have any physical consequences. I’d love to see him with a giant tumor on his forehead that says “BEWARE OF CHEATER”....benign of course but large nonetheless
You’re dealing with other survivorship issues. This is about you and making yourself number One. It’s not selfish, it’s what we have to do to overcome cancer. If you’re not in a good place mentally your body will find it hard to fight cancer as well.
Put yourself first. There’s a difference between being selfish and self-ish. Your husband is the selfish one.
Thanks Denzie. I appreciate the support 😍
Also...two time Survivor seems to have an issue with me posting about this. As the moderator I assume you would have told me if it was inappropriate no? Part of surviving cancer is surviving LIFE and all it throws at you. This is something that’s effecting my health. Not sure why this person has a problem with it. I’d much rather it wasn’t happening but it is 🙄
I’m no longer a moderator since the Addario people came on but you’re right. If it was inappropriate I would have let you know privately.
Life doesn’t stop because we have cancer and the psycho/social part of recovery is huge and important. Especially since he’s blaming his infidelity on your cancer. I wish life’s other challenges would take a break. Wouldn’t it be great if instead of breaking down, the car decided that it could work without repairs? The a/c unit said it’s okay I’ll work even though you needed to replace me last month?
Again, it really sucks that this is happening to you.
You are right surviving cancer is part of life and if you are having difficulty in your private life and you choose to share it here I see no problem with it. Please "vent" away - Sometimes just getting things off your chest can make you feel better and I have no problem with that. OH, and for the record I absolutely do believe you and I'm very sorry for all you're going through.
Lisa
Thanks Lisa. I don’t think ANYONE would make this up. It’s humiliating. That’s why I feel better telling YOU guys instead of friends and family here that will judge. The person who said they thought I was “punking” you guys obviously hasn’t been through this.
I'm sorry that happened, it's upsetting to me....
No worries. Everyone has their opinions. Some people just lack empathy. I totally get that this is a cancer support group and of course that should be the main topic of discussion. Unfortunately life goes on even with cancer.
Ynkefan, I agree with the comments already made. Sounds as if you will be better off without him. BUT , and this is absolutely CRITICAL, you MUST retain access to the same or equal HEALTH PLAN you now have, paid solely by him , or company coverage if he is still working and that health coverage be provided to you at least until you are Medicare eligible. I am almost certainly stepping out of bounds here , but so be it. If you do file for divorce, you MUST get a hard-nosed attorney to make sure you get HALF of all assets, pensions, IRA’s, social security et al. My background is investments and insurance, and I know you will need a hard-nosed lawyer to ensure you get all that is due you. Ynkefan you need to concentrate on YOU , your health , and going forward with a positive ‘can do’ attitude as you continue to face down your cancer. All & Only Best Wishes, judg69
Always thinking like your name lol. Judge ☺️ Luckily I am already on Medicare/SS disability. Before my cancer diagnosis I took a pretty hard tumble at work. Down a flight of stairs; damaging my right hip and knee. I underwent a ton of surgeries and ended up with a ton of infections. I had Mrsa for almost a year and the only thing that finally killed it was the chemo I got once diagnosed with the LC. I received a somewhat decent settlement and used that money to replace my lost income and keep the cancer treatment bills under control. I have just under $100,000 left from settlement in an account that has my name only on it. That money has never been co-mingled (sp?) with his. My understanding is that money is mine and mine alone. He has no retirement fund to speak of. He wiped out his 401k before we got back together in 2010. Saving money has never been his strong suit and neither has responsible financial health. When we got together his credit scores were in the 500’s and it’s taken me a lot of time and work to get him in the high 700’s. I don’t think he has any idea how to balance a checkbook so without me, not a bill one would get paid. I’ve actually made him even more “financially dumb” because I do everything. I also think he forgot how to turn on a washing machine and load a dishwasher. I do everything for him down to making his plate at dinner time. Even now, with all that’s happening ...I still do everything for him. The new information I got yesterday is going to change that dynamic for sure though. I sent a text message to the girl from his gym. I just wanted her to know that he had been caught and to let her know that although they made a fool out of me; it was going to be short lived. I also told her that because she’s a CHILD...20 years old...I don’t hold any animosity towards her. HE is the one who betrayed me. I did however let her know that if women weren’t willing to cheat with married men then the cheating would become obsolete. She answered me back and asked if she could call me. She said I needed to hear the truth. I won’t drag this out but I’ll give a shortened version of what happened. She said she didn’t know he was married initially. She works at his gym and he never wore his ring (he bought a rubber wedding band for the purpose of wearing it when he works out...go figure) When she confronted him about being married he said we were nothing more than roommates living together still because of finances. He also told her I had cheated on him and I was the one responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. He told her I was seeing “many guys” and throwing it in his face. She bought that story until she saw his cell phone screensaver and saw the two of us, smiling and embracing on our last cruise. When she asked him about it he said he didn’t know how to change the screensaver. She said she didn’t buy it and that she stopped communicating with him although he kept trying to get together with her. She also told me her father had cheated on her mother and ruined her childhood and that she doesn’t mess with married people. She assured me that she had never come to my house and never did anything physical with him. Not even a kiss but not for his lack of trying. She has no reason to lie to me and truth be told...when him and I reconnected 10 years ago...he was still married but told me the same thing. That he and his wife were roommates and nothing more and hadn’t had sex in years. I told him then to let me know when he was separated and out of the house and then we could talk about it. He left her right away and we proceeded with rekindling our relationship. Apparently this is a pattern for him. Part of his character. I haven’t told him yet that I spoke with her. As far as he knows, I’m waiting to make a decision until he gets a little deeper into therapy and his doctor tells me whether or not his behavior is changeable. Not every character flaw can be fixed. Now that I have this new information I am even more disgusted. It’s bad enough he’s a cheater but now he’s telling random women that I am. I’ve never cheated. Not only am I not the cheating kind...when I make a commitment I take it seriously...but I use all the energy I can muster taking care of his dumb ass. When I asked her if he had really given her MY MEDICATION (medical marijuana edibles) she said yes. He told her that he makes them for all his friends. That’s funny...I don’t think he knows how to turn on the oven. I told her I used them for my cancer and for my hip/knee pain. She had no idea that I even had cancer. She was almost in tears and begged me for forgiveness. She showed more remorse than him. Of course I told her she’s forgiven and that she should take this as a lesson in the future. If a man tells you he’s just roommates with his wife...ask him to call his roommate and have her tell you the same thing. Then call him a loser because he can’t get his own place and walk away as fast as you can. I really have nothing against her. I feel sorry for her. I told her she’s closer in age to our oldest grandson than she is to my husband. 20 years old. Our youngest daughter is 23. Our oldest of four grandsons is 9. My husband will be 55 this year. I am 49.
I’m not worried about being alone. I would have to go back to work and if I have to start treatment again it will be tough. That being said...I could take my $100,000 and for half of that go buy a small condo in Arkansas where my eldest son lives with 3 of the 4 grandkids. I could likely live on my SSD in Arkansas but definitely not in NJ. We were in the process of looking for a new house. We’re scheduled to see two houses this morning. I’m going along with the program for now while deciding what I want to do. I won’t however, get roped into a mortgage with a man who tells people I’m a cheater. I’d rather him find and get excited about a house right before I tell him to go scratch. Part of me wants to try and work it out but the rational part of me keeps saying he’s never gonna change. When I expressed concern for his history he convinced me the reason he had never been faithful before was because he hadn’t found the right woman. I was his soulmate and I made him want to be a better man. Now what?? You have me and you continually sabotage it. Now he’s blaming the fact that he was sexually abused as a child. I get that that effects people. But how come he only brings it up when he gets caught doing something stupid? He did the same thing two years ago. You know the more I tell YOU guys the more I realize I have no choice. He’s never going to change. Now I just need to have all my ducks in a row before I leave. I need to have my September scans to check the progression. I also need to see what my financial options are. I have no shot at alimony because we’ve only been married 8 years. I should have learned my lesson when he cheated on me with my “best friend” in 1989. I broke up with him then but chalked it up to immaturity. Shame on me for being so gullible. Never again. From now on I will consider men a nice distraction for temporary needs but will remain single for the remainder of my life. I’ve met my limit on betrayal and won’t put myself through it again. I will definitely contact an attorney as soon as I get back from my trip. I’m going to enjoy spending his hard earned money onboard and will be leaving MY personal credit cards onshore. Thanks for the advice and support. You guys are the best. Xoxo
That sounds a lot to deal with right now. Be kind to yourself. don't feel guilty about needing time away on your own - enjoy the opportunity to rethink priorities in life. good luck with your treatments/recovery.
Thank you Janette 😊
I may have chatted with you before, (CRS). First off divorce the dude and move to where there is good healthcare and your living arrangements are relatively cheap. I am 70 with nsclc presumably caused by agent orange. Having been on a 2 week cruise before with my wife we thought that it was too long. Trade it in if you can. A riverboat cruise probably would be much better. You are such a pretty woman maybe you would meet somebody. Or contact Dr Phil, sounds like a story for his show. Good luck on the cancer treatment, mine is under control now and enjoying life at the cabin in Longville, MN. Shopping for Hobie sailboats now.
Thanks Elmer. I’m defiantly up for a two weeker lol. I did a one week at the beginning of June and it just wasn’t long enough. If I was with my husband it would have been but I need this alone time. Besides that I got such a good deal I almost couldn’t turn it down. If I could afford 6 months at sea I’d take it right now...just to NOT be in my house.
Sorry but I’m not sure any of this is true. I think we’re being punked. This is a lung cancer group Sorry if I’m wrong but my gut says not
Yes. You’re wrong. I’ve been in this group for a few years now and these people have come to be a good support system for me. I’m still a cancer survivor regardless and these are real issues that effect people...even people with cancer. You’re the only one who has an issue. Feel free to scroll on by next time. If the admins have a problem with my asking for advice I’d think they would have already said so.
I read your response to judg69. Sometimes the best way to make a decision is to put everything in writing, as you did in your response. I think seeing stuff in writing makes it more real, helps us see things more clearly.
I am very sorry that you are having to endure all of this, but you are strong, you will get through it.
I have been keeping my opinion to myself, but at this point I have to say something; from what I am reading he is never going to change. The fact that he's cheated before and that every time he gets caught, he comes up with another "reason/excuse" for his behavior, tells me that he will never change. But that's just my personal peanut (opinion).
I also agree with other comments made here, he is the selfish one, not you. At this point you need to start putting yourself first.
I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful time on your cruise.
Go on that cruise and enjoy it. I would keep a journal, putting down the good and bad things that happen each day. Document those things you enjoy and those things you do not. You need to get out of the situation to sort through your feelings and to discover who you are and what you want. With everything that has been happening in your life you need to step away for a while. When you get back, get your husband out of your home even if it is temporary. See how it feels to be on your own.
From experience I know what it is like to feel that Hell is a long way up from where I was. You might need help to sort things out and counseling is always a good idea. Once you make a decision, if it is to divorce, get a good lawyer so you get everything you are entitled to. Most of all, take care of yourself and keep your support system close.
I wish you the best during a most challenging time. You are a strong woman and will make the right decision for you.
Jean
Taking care of you is crucial!! One of the important things when deciding about a divorce is making sure you are equally or better cared for outside the marriage than in the marriage. Having cancer, an important issue is insurance coverage and financial resources to continue your treatment. It may benefit you to stay in the marriage until you have crossed the magical 10 year mark. Before you do anything you cannot undo, please talk to an attorney and find out what you can expect from a divorce. It is wholly possible to live in exactly the manner your husband described when he cheated - together but separately. Before you move to Arkansas, make sure you would be getting the same or better medical treatment and coverage. Too many states do not offer Medicaid - they say they do, but getting coverage may be too difficult and there may be a long time to establish residency. I don't know about NJ, but where I live there are programs that help. It is entirely possible that the status of being legally married provides you far more, and in that care taking care of you could mean staying married. Don't know about your husband, but my ex-husband wanted to stay legally married even though he no longer lived with me - I am the one who chose to divorce because it put me in a better position all around. Consider every option, including end of life choices. Taking care of you is not always going to get you what you expect, but it does mean making the hard decisions regardless of what others want!
Enjoy your time away and God bless!
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this along with a cancer diagnosis! Every couple has to find their way when a life altering event happens and I hope you find the best path for YOU.
It’s so important to surround yourself with loving and supportive people now. That said, you can be the only one who decides what you can live with and what you can’t when it comes to your relationship.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
~Peg
Thanks Peg. I wish I had the answer...unfortunately I don’t. Not yet anyway.
“Follow your gut and no need to rush.” When the answer is right, you’ll know it💗
I think this two week cruise will help. And before anyone asks...I’m not worried that he will cheat while I’m gone. No sense in it. He cheated while I was here. He cheated while I was up a time my cancer center for three days getting crappy news. He cheated knowing how much I love him. Staying home to babysit him wouldn’t change anything.
I am so mad just reading about your situation. My apologies if I'm being too personal but, IMHO, why are you even thinking is worth staying in this marriage? Why are you still doing everything for him? Seems to me he is an expert on manipulating people, including you. Take that cruise and forget the bas#@%. I wish you all the strength you need to face this situation with an outcome that will be to YOUR benefit. All the best.
Lol. I guess my only answer is he’s succeeding in making me feel sorry for HIM. He’s so pathetic. Walking around like he lost his best friend. He has. In some ways I don’t know if he can ever get me back to being his friend or anything else. The reason I am contemplating what to do is because I have no idea what my cancer status is and won’t until September. Selfish? Yes. I’ve earned that right after what he’s done and maybe I’m just hanging around until I have my next scan. If it’s clear I have no doubt I will walk. If it’s not then I may stay and make him pay for everything including my house and car payments. I’m going to speak to an attorney when I get back from my cruise to see if I’m entitled to anything like alimony. I don’t think so but maybe my health would cause a judge to order it at least temporarily. I don’t want to waste my savings paying for living expenses while I wait to see if I’m gonna be able to go back to work. I keep saying I’m not sure if I can forgive him and not sure what I should do...but I know what I need to do. I’m absolutely 100% dragging my feet for my own selfish reasons. I guess I want him to have to pay for what he did. Since I can’t do anything to him emotionally then I’ll have to settle for financial 🙄. The whole thing just sucks lemons. And my poor Dad. He’s gonna be heartbroken. Him and my husband are so close. Not close enough to keep my husband from doing what he did obviously. This is exactly why i need this trip. I would haven sent him away but somebody has to work around here...
Got it, then indeed squeeze him for all he’s got!
You have so many things happening that are out of your control. But you have the choice to get away from this toxic man and his repeated betrayal. Each time you take him back, do you trust him? Or is it always in the back of your mind to doubt his honesty?
Go to a counselor alone, without your husband. Figure out for yourself if it would be better to move on without him. I say 100% better. I recently found out my boyfriend caregiver is not the man I thought he was and who he wanted me to think he was. I've got my plate full with medical issues. I decided to remove this toxic person from my life.
Good luck to you and enjoy the extended cruise!
I absolutely plan to go back to therapy when I get back from my trip. I started going the last time he did this. Almost two years to the day. And no. I don’t trust him. I haven’t trusted him since the first time. Actually it was the second time because the first time was in 1989 when we were dating. He slept with my best “friend” in the bathroom at a party when I went on a beer run because I was the only sober one. I broke up with him and tossed my so called friend as well. It was much easier to do at 19 when I didn’t love him. The thing with him is he’s cheated on EVERY person he’s ever been with. Every one. What do you think he said to me when I said that to him several years ago? “They weren’t the right people for me. You’re my soul mate. You make me want to be a better man”. Liar. You just want to be better at NOT getting caught. You don’t break promises to someone you claim to love. You don’t GUT the person you claim to love. That’s what he’s done to me. 100% Gutted. I think that’s why I haven’t walked away. Yet. I’m sure it’s coming but as I said...I’m going to take the two weeks at sea to think. Thank you for your input. It means a lot.
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